By: Numfar
Friends, Romans, Updaters! It's that time of year again. Temperatures are rising;
Superheroes are taking over our theatres and a fresh group of wanna-be-cast in next summer's
blockbuster fame-seekers are heading into voluntary confinement for our 24/7ish
viewing diss-pleasure.
That's right! The reality show that started it
all [well, for JokersUpdates.com at least -ed] is back for another season of hilarious,
back-stabbing, morning-workout, backgammon-playing fun.
So before we get
too far along little doggies, it is time to ask yourself a very serious
question. "Are you ready to spend the fourth consecutive summer of new
millennium
[kinda -ed.] with 13 mean, shrill, self-important poseurs - most of whom will
become more reviled and spit upon than Saddam Hussein seat-cushions at the
Superbowl?"
Good! I knew you were.
Strap on that keyboard, and
let out a belt-hole or three. Another ass-expansive summer lies before us.
Surrender all hope ye who eat Cheetos while feed-watching. Yes, it's true, couch
potatoes have nothing on we of the Computer-chair keesters. Call your broker and
have her buy shares in RealOne, Visine and Preparation H, because before the day
is out, we're going to be updating every movement of the lucky 13, vigilantly
recording every word and endlessly diliberating how gross it is to toss a sweaty
shirt in the dryer with fresh laundry.
A Hamster's home is their castle
- which may explain the moat now encircling the BB compound. Changes are not
limited to the outdoor Fothcade, however. With an interior decorated loosely on
an Austin Powers and Hildi Santo-Tomas shop at Target motif, the house has been
revamped, remodeled and completely changed for this year...well, at least as
much as a the $1000 CBS budget would allow.
Of course, the Big News(tm)
this year is that the Hamsters all had to be under 39 years old, and be be able
to find the casting calls in trade newspapers.
The Bigger News(tm) is
that in addition to the current litter of 9 new hamsters (8! Eight new hamsters)
new hamsters, The Prime Evil, Executive Producer Arnold Shapiro, and his
right-winged henchwench Co-Exec Producer Allison "two-L's" Grodner has deigned
to shove into the Habitrail 4 former lovers (5! Five former-lovers - ah-ah-ah!).
The Biggest News(tm) is that retired Agency spook Jack Mulder from
Birmingham AL managed to uncover pictures of Arnold and Allison sacrificing
virgins and drinking the blood of a satyr in unholy ratings rituals, and managed
to leverage an exemption from the Big News(tm) for himself.
Yes, the 13
vile Hardy and Shannon wanna-be's are already snug in their cots, and we on the
right Coast are less than a couple of hours from our first fix of the season.
Yep, it is time to kiss your summer and your waistline goodbye, and wait for the
answers to Reality TV's most important questions: Will we have bars separating
the house into two sides? Will the ex's integrate, invigorate, denigrate or
fornicate? Will the FOTH music be changed to Jane's Addiction's 'Been Caught
Stealin' once the first Hamster mug-shot turns up on The Smoking Gun?
Tune in tonight - and every moment for the rest of the summer and beyond
- to find out.
And tune in to JokersUpdates.com after the season premier
for Part II, when the Big Beaver goes rodento-a-rodento with each HG, dishing
the dirt and slapping out first impressions of each Happy Hampster!
Email
questions/remarks to the Joker's Mailbag
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