Joe spends the day in fantasyland, Kail gets serious, and Jessica explains them all.
The show begins and we are reminded that Jen won HOH, nobody is pleased, and that Dick and Daniele are nominated because Jen finds them "negative". Thus begins a full hour of Jen hate (she's the villain, we get it BB!), and Amber crying for no good reason. Eric tries to fulfill his America's Player duties by crawling into bed with Joe. Believe it or not, Joe doesn't find anything odd about a man crawling into bed with him and nuzzling his leg, and Eric fails. (Or Big Brother fails, I suppose its all relative, isn't it?) The veto players are chosen, putting Mike, Joe, and Amber (who cries about it) in the game with Jen, Dick, and Daniele. BB has gone festive again, and creates a winter wonderland reminiscent of Season 2's contest with the kids from Survivor. Its a combination "take the package-curling" competition, and Daniele comes out on top. In the meantime, Joe wins a slop pass, Jen has to wear a unitard for a week (and is thrilled), Dick wins a plasma tv, Amber has to be handcuffed to Kail for 24 hours, and Mike wins a Big Brother date and inexplicably chooses Amber. As Daniele won the veto, there is a good 30 minutes devoted to the BIg Brother tradition of waffling over who to nominate with Joe, Nick, and Jessica being thrown under the proverbial bus. In the end, Joe goes up, and swears revenge (like they do) on Jen should he stay in the house. We get to tell Eric who to vote for again, reminded to keep Gretchen in a job by watching Housecalls, and we're done until Thursday.
Now for the REAL story...
The first stirrings of HG's seem to be Jen and Kail in the HOH. (Do these women ever leave that room!?) The discuss the nominations, and decide that it is critical for Zach to win the next HOH, and for Jen to win it again the following week. Kail doesn't want to win it at all because she doesn't want to create any enemies. Nonetheless, they talk about what Kail would do with HOH (nominate Dick and Jessica who they deem "easy to vote out") and Jen pushes hard for Daniele. Kail says she can't do that.
The "strategy" talk in HOH continues, and Jen suggests that Dick and Daniele have an alliance. Kail suddenly decides that she could put up Daniele given the chance. Kail hopes for an endurance competition this week (has she seen the show?) because she thinks Zach can win (ed. too much kool-aid for you Mrs. Robinson).
Nick and Zach are in the hot tub wondering if an evicted houseguest will return. Zach has a brief moment of clarity and intelligence when he decides that the seaon is too short this year for BB to do so, and then ruins it by explaning at length how Nick is in a really safe spot in the game. They talk about putting up Amber and Dustin together, since they are the most obvious, strong alliance in the house. Zach mentions Eric saying that he doesn't believe he will go far in the game (ed. not with America controlling him, he won't.)
Upstairs, Jen creates a bikini-esque bathing suit out of her unitard. It is really quite creative and elaborate. (Check it out in Media, but remember its Jen we're talking about, and these pictures are likely not suitable for work.)
Zach and Nick go in to make breakfast. Jen comes downstairs covered in a towel which prompts the ever gentlemanly Zach to ask if she is nude beneath the towel. Jen and Jameka head to the Hot Tub and Jen does the big reveal. They all agree it is quite creative, and Dustin points out that once it gets wet it will be completely see-through. Nick calls her "ridiculous" and Zach seems unable to blink for fear of missing the blessed event. Jen, Jameka, and Daniele sun themselves instead, and Dustin ruins Zach's fun by pointing out that Jen's nipple was exposed. She fixes her suit, and Zach wanders away looking like Dustin kicked his puppy. Jen comes inside, and Zach compliments her and BB for "good casting."
Daniele comments on her weight and swears she has not gone below 100 lbs., and that she would be worried if she did. She gives us a word to add to our ever expanding BB dictionary when she tells Kail that she is "small boneded." They all agree that body shape has a lot to do with weight. (ed. mmmkay)
There is a quick bathroom pow-wow with Dick and Daniele in which Daniele tells about Jen apologizing to Zach about not being naked under her towel. Dick tells us (yet again) that Jen is living in her own little world. (ed. Is it too soon for another pot/kettle comment?) Daniele finds Eric and tells him how ridiculous the bathing suit is; Eric takes a peek and says it looks "retarded." Daniele proves how positive she is by saying that Jen makes her want to throw up in her mouth, and Dick calls Jen an "egomaniac".
Outside, Nick contemplates giving himself a mohawk, and then when Dick arrives outside, he complains to him that Zach left a bloody snot rocket on the side of the hot tub. Even Dick is grossed out by this one. Nick says that everyone in the house is too obsessed with their appearance, and that it is a house full of Jase's. (ed. If only...)
Joe does the Tuesday Nominee Vote Freak-Out and begins to obessively count the votes he "knows" he has, and the ones he thinks he needs. He believes he has Mike, Kail, and Eric, and that he needs (and thinks he can get!!!!!!!) Daniele's.
Nick randomly announces that he has seen two of the 7 girls in the house naked. Joe postulates that Daniele's breasts are real, and Nick eloquently responds, "Niiiiiiiiiiiiiice."
Simply idle chit chat that the updaters didn't even feel the need to elaborate on. Jen ran a bit on the treadmill, Dustin and and Amber whisper too quietly to be heard, and BB asks for some mic adjustments.
Dustin tells Amber that he told Joe that he was on the block and going home because of his dishonesty.
Jameka has a birthday coming up, and she asks who remembers how old she'll be.
Joe continues his pre-vote freak-out and asks Daniele where she thinks the votes will go. She (lies) says she doesn't know, that she hasn't counted.
Joe continues his filibuster vote talk to Daniele (who seems to be barely present) and apologizes for her having to chose between him and her dad. He says he thinks he can stay if he has her vote. Nick joins them and talks about his new mustache. Daniele makes a funny and asks, "Do you want me to move over?" Nick replies, "Why?" Daniele: "To make room for your ego."
Nick talks about his ex-girlfriend some more. He had planned to propse to her in Italy, and that he never would have done the show if he was still with her. She dumped him, slept around, and broke his heart. Kail tells him that the key is to marry the right person (gee, thanks for the advice Kail. None of us could have figured that one out) and that the common denominator is God.
Joe plays a prank on Zach and pretends to poop in the shower. (It was just a chocolate protein shake "molded".)
Kail tells Jen she can get Mike, Nick and Zach to vote out Dick, but that Amber wouldn't because of Dustin's hatred for Joe. Jen decides she wants to work on keeping Dick in the house, and goes off in search of the 4 needed votes.
In a storage room pow-wow, Joe tells Kail that he has Jessica "for sure." Kail tells him to come back to her when he has four sure votes to go with that one. (Note: if you aren't keeping score, 5 votes is enough to evict this week. 4 makes it a tie with Jen deciding who leaves.)
Kail and Jen visit with Eric who explains that Joe does NOT have the votes he thinks he does. Joe thinks Amber and Dustin are the only two guaranteed to vote to evict him.
Kail tries (in vain) to get Zach to evict Dick. Zach says he doesn't trust Joe. Zach leaves, and Kail tries to work on Nick telling him that it is necessary to evict Dick because he is going after her and Mike. Nick tells her "it is what it is." (So much for this super strong alliance. I guess Kail never saw the movie.)
Joe says that he is 70% convinced he is staying. He thinks he has Jameka and Kail for sure (he's half right) and that Kail will draw in Zach, and Mike (er, nope).
Kail talks with Mike, who assures her that Nick is still with them. (ed. It's like a trainwreck, isn't it?)
Joe talks with Jameka and Jessica and says that Kail is on the fence. He gets the same answer from them that he got from Kail: no one wants to put themselves out there, and will only agree to being the 5th vote. If he comes back with four other positives, they'll vote for him.
Joe tries to convince Mike to keep him by telling him he promises to talk to him more (yeah, that'll convince him Joe; good one) and that he thought that Mike didn't like him because he was gay. (Joe is the worst vote getter EVER).
Fantasy and reality collide when Joe meets back with Kail. Joe says things are going well for him, and Kail says she doesn't see it. Kail advises Joe to make deals, but not to spread himself too thin.
Jessica tells Eric that she likes him, but hates just about everyone else in the house. She gives her take on everyone (ed. and makes a fan out of me for the first time) saying that Dick and Zach bug her, Jen is ok, but she can't trust her, Kail is awkward, Amber cries too much and is annoying, Dustin is a pansy with Amber, and that people will soon see that she and Eric are close and will try to break them up. (Ed. Who knew that behind that obnoxious voice lay the one person in the house who gets them all? Surprise, surprise!) She outs her alliance to Eric (as a sign of trust, i'm assuming) naming Daniele, Jameka, Nick and Joe. (It would appear that America has effectively screwed with Eric's mind, because he doesn't seem to want to trust Jessica anymore.)
Dani tells us she's starving (I'll be sensitive here) and promises Nick that she hasn't dropped below triple digits.
Daniele paints Nick's nails and says that her dad likes him. He asks if that gives him an edge, and she says no, that she doesn't care what her dad thinks at all.
Dustin and Zach congratulate themselves on getting rid of Joe, and talk about how much they don't trust him. They wonder where Nick stands, and they think he'll vote out Joe, but they aren't sure. (ed. For once it appears that Zach has gotten it right, but please don't tell him. We'll hear about it for the rest of the summer.)
The houseguests note that Jessica is getting extremely dark from being out in the sun so much.
Eric does his Julie Chen impression and has a discussion about hemmorhoids with Dustin. He wants to be entertained tonight and Daniele suggests dressing him in drag. He says he wants to dress HER in drag but she says none of his clothes would fit her. He says, "No, I mean dress you as a woman." (ed. LOL Eric)
Mike, Kail and Jen in HOH (STILL!!) talking game. Kail is still freaking out about needing to get HOH every week to keep them all safe. No one else seems as concerned about it as she does. Mike FINALLY gets a clue and says he doesn't trust Nick entirely. Kail wants Mike to tell Zach not to vote against the alliance. (ed. Ugh, shades of Maggie in that one, isnt' there?)
Jen decides she wants the vote to be a tie so that she has the power to evict who she wants.
Simple idleness... cooking, smoking, staring into space, washing unitards. They finally remember salsa soup and add olives.
Zach tells Nick that he looks like Tom Brady. Joe and Jessica have a moment of pure childish fun (that this cast is SO desperately missing) in the teacup spinning it as fast as it will go and throwing pillows at each other.
Nick gets the bright idea to burn his underarm hair with a lighter. (Don't ask me...)
Dustin's ab class begins, but it looks like only Jen is interested tonight.
Amber and Daniele talk about Kail. Daniele clarifies that she does not have a problem with Kail. Amber says she "NEEDS" HOH on Thursday. They are both voting out Joe.
Jameka mentions her birthday again (It's on Friday) and asks BB if they would like to know what she wants for dinner. No reply is heard. (ed. Poor Jameka! She's so underappreciated in that house!)
Kail is relentless and tries to get Jameka to change her vote to Dick.
Jessica confirms to Eric that she will be voting out Joe since she doesn't want to go against the majority of the house. She is upset that Joe told others that she would be voting for him. Eric doesn't want to be perceived as a floater.
Jameka talks with Kail again and tells her that she needs more than 5 votes because she thinks some will change their minds and/or are lying about voting to keep Joe. She still will not commit to evicting Dick unless she has solid information. Kail pushes, but gets nowhere.
Kail's campaign against Dick is becoming almost hysterical. She pushes Jessica and Jameka, but they refuse to commit. Kail has essentially managed to convince them to do the opposite of what she wants by showing them how important it is to her. Jessica and Jameka are convinced they are safe with Dick because he must be going after Kail.
Eric meets with Jen in HOH, and for some reason she thinks that it will be a majority for Dick to go. (This is what happens when you hide in HOH all day, you don't get quality information!) Eric advises her not to talk game while she's drinking. He tries to (gently) tell her that Dick is not being voted out, but she is adamant that he is. (She seems to be VERY drunk by this point.)
Kail tells Joe that she has lots of connections in the house (ed. uh, she does? She can't even get her own alliance to vote like she wants!) She thinks that Dick is obsessed with her.
Jen continues her drunken strategy session with Eric in HOH. She likes Jessica, she thinks Joe is a liar, but he has to straighten up in order to stay and he knows it, and she spills Mrs. Robinson to Eric and sorta kinda tries to draw him in.
Kail and Jessica go to HOH, and Kail pushes Eric for his vote to go to Dick as well. He brushes her off. (Note: Eric has been completely noncommittal about his vote to everyone. He clearly intends to vote how we tell him.) Kail lies and says she feels safe with Dick and that he owes her a favor. She says that Dick has the numbers in the house, and that he intimdates everyone and there will never be another chance to get him out. She repeats this ad nauseum for another 35 minutes.
Joe tries to sell himself to Zach in the hammock. He says that he doesn't want to bash Dick; he just wants to sell himself. He reminds Zach that Dick is always a vote for Daniele. Zach says that he respects that Joe was truthful about Carol, and he's glad that he turned around when he was vulnerable. Zach tells Joe that before their conversation he was 90% against him, but now he is 60/40.
Dick tells Zach that Kail is campaigning against him. (ed. LOL I'll bet Zach was just STUNNED to find that out!) Dick talks about Daniele's boyfriend, saying that she took him from another girl when he was engaged, and that he's likely stressing out right now.
There is a lot of movement in the Daniele/Nick bed, but the audio stays outside. We'll never know for sure, but it certainly looks suspicious...
Later, Nick shows up on top of the covers fully clothed, but BB tells Nick to turn on his mic if he "is going to talk." (ed. hmmmmm...)
Daniele shows up in the hammock with Dick, and they quickly compare notes. She tells him that Eric is on the fence, and he promises to talk to him. She cries and tells Dick that she wants to go home. It turns out she's afraid to hurt someone and that she wants to talk to her boyfriend (Chris). She doesn't want to do something stupid that she'll regret just because of her situation. (ed. What brought all of this on?) She feels bad about hurting Nick, but Dick thinks he'd understand. She says that Nick is getting annoyed that she won't give him straight answers and it makes her feel horrible. She goes to bed, and Dick says, "I love you, Daniele," but she doesn't respond. (ed. Poor Dick. I think he was really trying here.)
Dustin and Jessica go nuts in the teacup, Dick sits around, smokes, and ponders, Eric thinks that Jessica is a robot because she always has energy.
Joe wrongly interprets Daniele's tears as tears of regret that her Dad is leaving. Joe tells Jessica that he really thinks that he is staying. He says that his code will be "Do you have a meeting at 4?" to ask if people have voted for him or not.
Dick tells Eric that he will not honor his agreement with Kail, and will tell her so. He confides in Eric about Daniele's confusion. Dustin joins. They all agree that Daniele talking to Dick was a big step for them.
Kail is still at it while on her way to sleep saying that she will fight for HOH to keep Dick from having it. She says Joe will owe them big time if he stays.
Daniele rehashes the Nick/Chris dilemma to Jameka who tells her to stop being so beautiful.
Kail thinks that Dick will still honor his promise to her. Jen thinks that Eric will do whatever she wants him to do. They discuss why Daniele was crying and they wonder if it was because Nick said that he would be voting out Dick.
Kail and Jen chit chat about things in the HOH bed. They laugh about sharing a bed with Mike; Jen says she'd only get romantic with Nick.
Dick tells Amber that Kail can "lick his balls" and that he hates her. He plans to call her out on Wednesday and ask her about all of her lies.
All housguests are in bed asleep, dreaming of new strategies, ways to deceive, and recipes to make slop a bit more palatable.