Yet Another Chima Article
Whenever I hear Bobby Mc Ferrin’s 1988 hit “Don’t Worry, Be Happy”, I am reminded of an insane asylum. It just strikes me that anybody who actually CAN not worry and be happy all the time is A: insane, B: on drugs, C: mentally impaired, or D: Jordan. So when I saw the feeds return from the nomination ceremony last night, and Chima spent the next THREE HOURS covered by a blankie on her bed, I start hearing voices myself.
“Woooo, woo hoo wooo hoo woo hoo wooo hooo woooo (don’t worry......)....Woohhoo woo hoo woo hoo wooo(be happy)”
I could smell the crazy even through the Internet. (I pay extra for the Smell-O-Vision Superpass. It makes the quick cuts to Natalie a real shocker when I’ve been enjoyin me some Jordanian bubble bath, but it pays for itself in glee when I forward Russell’s farts to my ex-girlfriend’s work email) Chima was finally wakened from her intense scrutiny of her blankie by her coven (appropriately named “Bitches of Eastwick”, I have heard) when the sun finally set, allowing her skin to not melt in the sun. Wait, that’s vampires. Well, sucking the blood from a victim’s neck, sucking the life from my television...Six of one, half dozen of the other.
Chima was lured to the Bad Bad Outside to play the new Big Brother game. Snail golf. The object appears to be to hit a giant golf ball using a giant putter, down a fake grass slope, around a giant snail, and.... you know what? It’s yet another mini golf game. Leave it at that.
Natalie FINALLY says what America has been thinking for YEARS about that damn Tiger Woods fraud. Golf has NO SKILL involved folks, it is ALL luck. Thanks you, Natalie, now I can get that ridiculous injunction lifted and continue my Public Awareness campaign to prove to the world that Tiger is in fact merely the World’s Luckiest Man.(It has been editorially suggested that it was Lydia who said this, not Natalie. To which I can only say: I'm rubber and you're glue, poopyhead)
So Chima arrives on scene without her microphone, so a Helpful Disembodied Voice suggests wearing it. She does not comply, possibly due to the fact that she cannot hear through the veil of hate she is sporting. Her coven is looking out for her, though, they send their black cat- err, Kevin to fetch. Kevin fetches, Chima takes and does what all reasonable people do with extremely expensive items that don’t belong to us. She carefully places it in its intended position inside the hot tub.
The next two hours feature the coven proving that the are in fact the “good people”, primarily by scheming to keep the laundry facilities full of half loads, already clean clothes, single items, opponents shoes, and chicken suits until the other side is shamed into acting their age. Natalie plans to occupy the PoV practice device “until 5 AM if I have to”. She “can go on forever” to deprive the other, more immature group of their spot on the practice green. Forever in Natalie’s glazed mind is apparently about an hour. (Note: Natalie also claimed prior that she hoped it was an endurance comp, because she can withstand pain, and even WATER for hours on end! this would be good news on the hygiene front, if it weren’t for the fact that Nat has had this exact opportunity once before, and lasted exactly “not as long as Jordan” minutes.) After forever is up, Russell takes over the practice green while we see the Chimanator perched on the washing machine to protect it from being defiled by the filthy belongings of her Evil Enemies (™ Chima). A good 60 minutes after Chima shows up outside, Production clues in to the fact that her microphone sounds suspiciously like the pump in a hot tub(or severe digestive troubles). Disembodied Voice asks her to “replace her microphone with a new one from the storage room.” Chima gives this advice the consideration it deserves....and while she is doing this, the coven desperately send the cat after a new mic pack.
Upon delivery of the mic pack(Kevin actually has to attach it to her), Chima is again forced to help production do its job (honestly, I don’’t know where they hire these lazy bastards). She sweetly and earnestly tells production to, and I quote, “Eat a dick.” In anticipation of their gratitude, she removes her mic pack again and basks in the glory of her own helpfulness.
After the witches and their cat move indoors to stick play-doh to a chessboard to help plot a timeline, Chima is hungry for her for special HoH Cheetos. Since she cannot immediately find them, a logical and reasoned conclusion is reached: the Evil Enemies have them in their Evil Clutches! Chima pokes her head in the back yard to graciouslty allow the EE to answer her question regarding the Cheetos. Only Russell fails the Test of Gratefulness..he does not answer when she asks! His act of terrrorism cannot go unpunished, of course, so our own little Department of Big Brither Security helps the world be a better place by hiding his hats.(The Cheetos were found this morning by the way.)
We then are permitted to listen in on Chima’s Rant on Russell, Episode 491. It’s the one where Russell is responsible for everything...you know the one right? Occasional chat about production keeps incurring the Wrath of the Fish....and suddenly the fish stop going away. They keep failing to go away for over two hours. When the finally fail to fail to go away, nobody can find Chima! It's like she isn’t there at all! Where is our hero? Her gear is there. Her picture is colorized. But the most amazing thing has happened...she has Won Big Brother! Ok, that probably isn’t true, because the other HGs are still here...but really...what else explains why a pure hearted saint of a woman is no longer appearing on our screens?
I suspect the Evil Enemies.