Warning: Sons of Anarchy contains mature subject matter and adults in adult situations, including but not limited to: violence, sex, toting guns, taking drugs, drug trafficking, employing strippers, owning escort services, death, destruction, double crossing, motorcycle gangs and dead people.

An even bigger warning is that good writers write about what they know. And lucky you, I am literally a Disney character! I know nothing about any of that -- so if you're an innocent who doesn't know a heroine needed from your mom's knitting needles, you've come to the right place. Hurrah!

One last warning. Actually, the biggest warning I can offer. My post-Thanksgiving day has been spent watching dvr'd episodes of Sons of Anarchy. Woot. While I watched, my boyfriend attempted to explain what I had missed (never seen an episode before) in previous episodes. His recap is as follows:

"See him, he was married to her, and they owned a bike, and they went into business with them but they wanted to go straight. Then they crossed them and someone was murdered. They then ended up running an escort service, but they really want to go straight, but when they got with them, they got gradually deeper stuff (pretend I just used a 4 letter word that started with the letter "s" and ended with a "t".)"

Gun running, drugs, escort services, little stuff (huh?...did he just say little stuff?) and then that guy was crossed, and she is a doctor, and then they started killing people."

Ummm....ok. He's explained everything, you're ready to watch. For those of you who need more that that, I shall try to assist with this disclaimer: cut me some slack, please. I'm going to attempt to shed a little light on one of the hottest shows out there right now.

Jax- Jax is the President of the Sons of Anarchy, a motorcycle gang. He looks a lot like my cousin Chuck, but since you've never met my cousin Chuck, you'll have to take my word for it. For the lady readers, if you can picture Leonardo De Caprio looking a little rougher, that's Jax. He is married to a girl he met years and years and years ago. So sweet for a tough guy.

Gemma - Jax's Mom. She's easy to spot because she played Peggy Bundy in the sitcom,  "Married... with Children." She is a stunning 40-something-year old, who everyone in the club appears to have dated (if I understand correctly.) Her husband looks like a cross of Will Farrel and an ape. Seriously, I'm not trying to be mean, that's just what he looks like, but there is a sexiness about him if you can get past imagining him wearing Will Farrel's costume from the movie "Elf." Her boyfriend, yea you read correctly, she's married but has a boyfriend, is played by Jimmy Smits. The best way to explain her character kind of went like this:

"And he (her boyfriend) knows she's married?" I asked my boyfriend.

"Right." He replied.

"Does she know she's married?"


"Oooooohhhhhhhhh," I said. "And her husband, knows she has a boyfriend?"


Jax's Stepfather - Former President of the gang. His wife Gemma has a boyfriend, and he's aware of it. He's not happy about it, but he's absolutely aware. His biker leather jacket says "First" in the upper left hand side. I believe this is a title, kind of like wearing a name badge of "Manager" so everyone knows who you are, just in case they didn't. He'd like to get his job back, but that would mean his stepson no longer being President. Getting kind of interesting.

Jax's Wife - She was in her son's hospital room (her two young male sons were in a car accident with Gemma driving. Gemma was high as she drove and she was ratted out by her boyfriend, to her son Jax. Seriously, her boyfriend thought he was helping, creating empathy, sympathy...I honestly don't know.) As her oldest son (5ish) was lying in a hospital bed, and her youngest son (8 mos maybe) was in the arms of her husband, she slugged her mother-in-law Gemma, after learning she was high when the accident occurred.

Don't worry, her husband turned the infant son away so he didn't see the "slug." Jax's wife is a doctor. From what I can gather, because another doctor at the hospital noticed she was listed as "single" on her insurance, she changed it to "married". This apparently caused trouble down the line because she's "married" to a felon.

Really? Jax is a felon. Even a Sons of Anarchy newbie like myself could figure out that much. Why her doctor friend can't get that this tattooed guy who wears a biker jacket with the words "Sons of Anarchy" and "California" on the back AND a label on the front that says "President" might be a felon?

Okay, let's not judge...ummm but really? You don't even suspect? At all? And wouldn't her insurance as a "doctor" be better than his anyway? I haven't even seen the guy go to "work" yet and I've watched 5 or 6 back to back episodes at this point. I seriously doubt he's the President of IBM. Maybe she thinks Sons of Anarchy is a theme restaurant chain, like the Hard Rock or Planet Hollywood.

I'm proud of myself, I just answered my own question.

Gemma's Boyfriend - The last "date" I saw Gemma on with her boyfriend ,they were walking hand in hand in a cemetery. They were disposing the ashes of one of her boyfriend's relatives (mother, sister, haven't figured that out yet.) As they walk hand in hand, carrying the small black/chrome box, he conveniently finds a floral bouquet laying by a tree. Thankfully he didn't offer the flowers to Gemma. Instead he held the flowers in one hand with the box,  Gemma's hand in the other.

When they arrived at a mausoleum, he broke in because that's where she wanted to be buried. Not in that mausoleum, just a mausoleum in general. He removed some dead flowers from a vase affixed to the marble wall interior.

He was recently held with a beautiful blond stripper, (I mean employee,) and he offered the buy holding the gun over $100,000 and a "few watches." Which the gun holder happily accepted, then shot the stripper anyway. Oh don't worry, it's just in the leg.

I am pretty sure someone called a doctor. Guy in Prison Hospital - I went back and fourth with this one because I think I know what I saw, but I'm not really sure and I was too embarrassed to ask. Well that's a lie, I did ask my boyfriend but he ignored the question.

Jax's wife went to a private examination room at the prison hospital and asked him to recant something he told the police? God -- his priest? I'm not sure, and although I don't know for sure if he really intends to, their barter seemed to include her stroking his hair (unwillingly) while he masturbated. So do you feel caught up? I'm definitely intrigued enough to see more are you?

-- Robbyn