Ugg! I did it again. I needed a metal hiatus after Cate left, and now my raven-haired brunette vixen, Pam, said goodbye as well. So I’ve channeled my anger towards the producers for not handling Nicki’s leaving a little better. This caused TC, Nate, and Pam being victims of the red line, to motivate me to pull my act together, one step at a time.

I mentioned in my last article that my boyfriend has only seen me really hungry once. It wasn’t pretty. I almost killed him that night. Yep, keeping me from food makes me angry. Physically, I may be almost at the point of exhaustion, but put hunger on top of it, and I’d take on a bear to get into the potato chip aisle at a 7-11.

My boyfriend manages a heavy metal band. Recently, I met him at his house straight from work. We didn't eat prior to that because the club the band was playing at specializes in the "$3.00 Steak and Potato deal."

Let that sink in for a moment.

I will also say this; I’ve confessed that I am a snob where food has to be the right temperature. During those survivor challenges when someone can buy a cheeseburger, do you really think it’s warm and juicy? I think not! I won’t mention what I would have done if there would have been a bag of potato chips up for auction or how much I’d be willing to pay. It’s sad but true.

Let’s get back to my “$3.00 Steak and Potato” story, not that I could eat that much anyway because of my lap band. The kitchen at the club was shut down for repairs (or a health inspector stepped in) so there was no food. But thankfully, because of my lap band, I'm doing OK even though I know that waiting for dinner will be a little challenging.

Finally the show is over. It was awesome. Now I can eat but because I met my boyfriend at his house and the weather was nice, the “other woman” came with us that night. Yep, Cheri, his Harley, escorted us there. If your guy owns a Harley, you know exactly what I mean.

After an hour of him taking bows in the parking lot because Cheri’s adoring fans were admiring her new chrome this, and her new leather that, I was ready to kill them both (my boyfriend and the guy admiring Cheri because they were preventing me further from eating.) I can only subtly rub my hand on my boyfriend’s back whispering the word "hungry" for so long before I lose it.

One of the many reasons the Biggest Loser is such a hard program for me to watch is because it makes me feel pathetic when I slip, even though I know it is supposed to do the opposite. I pledged to focus on losing an average of a pound a week this year to propel myself to goal.

I know myself, and I know what is normal, so there are months when I’ll lose eight pounds,  months when I’ll stay the same, and months when I’ll gain. However, my goal is for the average weight loss of one pound per week.

This was initially going great. I was 176 lbs. a few weeks ago, hurrah! I was right on track. Then today I woke up at 182 lbs. Ummmm, how did that happen? Maybe I forgot to take my blood pressure meds yesterday. That "time" is looming, and I did go out with the girls for happy hour. I mean happy three hours which was probably not the right time to drink a two dollar Margarita with salt. I admit it, I had two. That makes me up ten pounds since Thanksgiving morning (a weight that was up only three pounds from my weight range at my monthly weigh-in.)

Ask me if I’ve done an official weigh-in since? Nope, nope, nope! Why? Not in range means I pay, and I am too cheap, lazy, stubborn, humiliated to go back. I showed them. Ha, now I’m up 13. Yikes. Needless to say, now is the time to rope in tight. Today is a new day. I typically go a work meeting on Mondays. But I’ve used every excuse in the book to not go, but I am committing to getting my fat ass back next Monday, even if that means I have to pay a fee to go.

Let’s focus on the positive, when I watched the third episode (when Cate left) I followed the rules I set for myself. While watching I reorganized and mopped my pantry floor. I've never mopped my pantry floor and I’ve lived in my house three years.

When Cate was sent home, I cried again. Because, Cate, the person who was sent home lost two pounds! In the real world this is ideal for week three!

Just keep screaming! I mean, just keep swimming.

What the Red Team lost by losing Cate is a “motivator.” What Cate gained is the confidence to do this on her own. In the fast-forward we saw that she's less than 200 lbs. now. Hello wonderland! She's training for a marathon. Good for you Cate!

Cate has renamed “Fat Tuesdays” to “Fit Tuesdays.” Bravo. In the promo for week 4, we see Jillian pushing gorgeous-green eyed Jeff hard. My nickel is still on him. I love the three trainers, but the teams are too small. There is no room and nowhere to hide for the white team.

I think Cate is the most adorable, bubbly blonde I've ever seen. Since the show, she's running marathons. I’m so very proud of her because she knows she can do it at home, and I have no doubt she will. She’s ready, willing and able to do what it takes to do it at home and the best part isn't that we the viewer’s know, it's that she knows it. She’s articulated it. I was disappointed Cate went home. I didn't want Jackson to go either but if Lisa would have left, I would have gone on strike, walked out, held my breath, well maybe not, but you get my drift.

So to summarize the week 4 show briefly (which leaves more time to bore you with my antidotes – lucky you), Pam, the person who wasn't the biggest loser won15k to split with Danni because the white team won another challenge. The challenge was running a 5k marathon which is equivalent to 3 miles.

Wait, before you start screaming, the way I have the last week, let me emphasize that, Danni came in first and Pam came in third.

Practice Zen. Breathe in, and breathe out. I’ll need to schedule a visit with the Dali Lama or return to therapy if I’m going to continue to watch this season.

Seriously? Where is the immunity for these two? I’m so disappointed. And now Danni has to lose a higher percentage of weight than a team of people in order to stay. If I weren’t watching the Biggest Loser, I’d say it is manufactured drama.

Maybe I should rant longer; it’s obvious no one is listening. “Hello! Biggest Loser producers, please stop talking shop with the producers of Survivor. We all know that the person who went to every one of the eliminations won. We get it. Not that I wouldn’t love to see Danni win.

Guess it’s a good thing I’m not holding my breath in solidarity. But in a way, the producers are being very smart. This is what gets desperate, angry fans like me screaming, why did you make us love the white team just to take them all away so quickly (except Danni who’s eyes are looking crystal blue on camera?)

Sniff, sniff, I’m wiping away my tears; I must admit that it’s like a car accident, I can’t look away. I can’t stop thinking about it. I can’t turn it off.

The drama of it all has derailed me from being able to write timely editorials, and for that, I beg forgiveness again. I’d promise to be better, but I can’t make a promise I can’t keep, and this show knocks me out emotionally.

Especially since the White Team has won virtually every challenge put in front of them (and flash forward, next week Danni competes against everyone by herself and still wins the challenge.) So how did they lose Pam with the weigh in? It logically makes no sense. Well, that’s why it’s a game show, but how is this, it’s hard for me to process a team can win challenges but lose weigh-ins.

Don’t fret pet, because I actually do have good news and that is I'm not going to complain on the strange tan edit on Allison's arms during the weigh-in. Hurrah!

The bad news is that during the weigh-in she is wearing a space suit. She is adorable and normally she looks so glam, but the suit is kind of like the ones people wear in saunas. It is grey and shiny. I’m not sure who did her wardrobe this episode, but maybe they are trying to take attention away from her arms.

Goodbye Pam, you rocked it. Welcome to wonderland. Guess who's wearing bright red lipstick after a makeover?

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