Everyone thinks they possess a preternatural ability to read people (see Aaryn Gries.) They read through some amateur text about body language and become convinced they can determine whether someone is lying by analyzing the size of the subject’s pupils. Or perhaps they talk in vague clichés. “I just have a sixth sense for this sort of thing,” they ’ll say. “It’s my natural-born intuition.”
These people are always wrong. You should be incredulous of anyone who issues such proclamations.
I can predict with staggering accuracy the results to Big Brother based solely on 6 minute interviews. And so I have done exactly that.
Note: Each category represents a different phase in the game. Within each category, the housemates are listed in no particular order. This is not based on merit, but rather longevity in the game.
The Curtain Jerkers
Amanda, AKA Verbal Diarrhea Girl: Amanda is “too honest.” She is known to say incendiary things. She otherwise wouldn’t be a threat, but her mouth is going to get her evicted in the early stages of the game.
David Girton, AKA The Big Chill: I love this dude! He will provide much comic relief. He is the consummate surfer dude from California and he is willing to be America‘s gigolo. He will be inexplicably viewed as a threat and evicted not unlike Braden from season 11.
GinaMarie Zimmerman, AKA Army of One: GinaMarie is all about pushing her mind and body to the limit. Her credo is “To be the best, you have to beat the best.” Her interests include “cracking skulls,” taking people down, and zombies.
Howard Overby, AKA Black Southern Gentleman: There are several flags that are raised in Howard’s interview: He loves God, he used to be a bodybuilder, he doesn’t want to compromise his morals, etc. He will be evicted early because the rest of the house will find his physique intimidating.
Aaryn Gries, AKA X-Ray: X-Ray is one of those aforementioned people who claims to be good at reading people. Her personality is very low-key and that will serve her well. However, she will be hamstrung by her reluctance to stab people in the back.
Elissa Slater, AKA Rachel’s Sister. She is Rachel’s sister. Her longevity is contingent on how revealing her laugh is.
Andy Herren, AKA Gay Guy: Yeah, I know it’s lame to define Andy entirely on his sexuality, but let’s face it, Big Brother did. He meets their one homosexual per year quota and I’m sure Andy is happy to be on the show regardless of the circumstances. Andy is a smart and humorous guy who will make it to the latter stages of mid-game.
Candice Stewart, AKA Culturally Diverse Girl. Candice is a former NFL cheerleader and Miss Louisiana. She claims to be “quick to listen and slow to talk,” but her composure will start to crack in the mid-game
Jessie Kowalski, AKA Unemployed Overachiever Girl. Jessie is used to being the center of attention and wears her heart on her sleeve. She says she is a bad liar but we are going to give her bonus points for her willingness to entertain the fans. Her downfall is that she is influenced by Kail from season 8.
Jeremy McGuire, AKA Boat Guy: Boat guy is of the particular subphylum of people who live on a boat. If he wins the money, he has stated that he would like to buy a bigger boat. He is a very cagey individual (he refused to talk about his strategy) and I think this is a smart move. For that reason I am giving him dark horse status.
McCrae Olson, AKA Pizza Guy: McCrae has a crackling personality. As a former pizza deliver boy, I have a soft spot from this pizza delivery boy from Minnesota. He will be the “cool” guy.
Kaitlin Barnaby, AKA The Recruit: Kaitlin is a bartender and is the only person who identified that they were recruited by production in their interview. Her prospects look pretty good, but she says she gets along better with guys than woman. The other women will feel threatened by her and she will be evicted much like Angie from season 10.
The Main Eventers
Judd “The Judd” Daugherty: Judd didn’t give me much of anything in his interview and for that reason I am putting him in the final four.
Helen Kim, AKA Cottonmouth: Helen Kim is a total badass with a “high threshold of pain.” She is willing to shave her head if necessary. As a political consultant, she will be very effective at managing alliances.
Nick Uhas, AKA Spiderman Guy: Sure, Nick fails a lot. He cries a lot too. He’s no “super-genius” and no one is going to confuse him with Captain America. But after eight minutes of hearing him talk, I’m ready to give him the $500,000. He is impossibly charming and has a razor sharp wit. Unfortunately, he will not make it to the final two because his charm is too pronounced.
Spencer Clawson, AKA Beard Guy: You may think that beard guy is just some rube and that’s exactly what he wants you to think. This is a man who grew out his beard (which he compares to Benjamin Franklin’s coonskin hat) because he thought that production would want to capitalize on the growing trend of redneck reality TV. This railroad conductor is going to be a huge social threat, so much so that people won’t even realize how dangerous he is. He will win Big Brother 15.
|Weíre Not in Kansas Anymore|
Am I a bad person for enjoying the utter shock and dismay on those houseguest's faces?
|Joker's Roasts BB Canada - Next Four!|
Here they are, your second group, served on coals as Jokerís scoop.
|BB Canada: Joker's Roasts the First Six|
Itís March! Time for fests - BB Canadaís 1st six house guests. Prepare for Jokerís finest blend, As we roast Canadian friends!
|Big Brother 16 House of Mirrors: Close But No Calzone|
End of the season awards, thoughts on the Big Brother 16 Finale, and out of context quotes
|Big Brother 16 House of Mirrors: Heard Dat|
And Big Brother 16ís MVP is . . .
|BB16: The Real Issue with Frankie Grande: Gay to Gay|
Editorial thoughts on Frankie Grande
|Big Brother 16 House of Mirrors: What is Love?|
Wading through the onslaught of Christine hate, and out of context quotes
|Big Brother 16 House of Mirrors: Lyrical Genius|
Feeling bummed out from another predictable week of gameplay? Enjoy this greatest hits compilation of Caleb's freestyle rap verses.
|Big Brother 16 House of Mirrors: Time to Play the Game|
Caleb's rap game, Donny's social game, and out of context quotes
|Big Brother 16: There's Just Something About This Year's Cast... I know, They are Us...|
The casting this year reminds me of a cross section of AmericaÖ
|Big Brother 16 House of Mirrors: Stay Classy, Internet|
Amber is evicted, and a Washington Post blog questions whether this is the most sexist cast of Big Brother ever
|Big Brother 16 House of Mirrors: What's the Upside, Zachary?|
An appraisal of Zach's gameplay, and the latest developments of Caleb and Amber
|Big Brother 16 House of Mirrors: Bombs Away!|
The many implosions of the Bomb Squad, the many iterations of the Just Friends Lie, and the many names of Devin
|Big Brother 16 House of Mirrors: A New Hope|
Caleb and Amber make amends, and Julie Chen reviews the tape
|Big Brother 16 House of Mirrors: Believe in Yourself|
Joey makes an announcement, Frankie and Zach discuss the weather, and Caleb tells Amber how he feels
|Big Brother 16 House of Mirrors: Scouting Report|
Your guide to the Big Brother 16 cast
|In the Beginning... Part 1|
Iím often asked how I happened to create JokersUpdates.com (a far better question would involve how a model/actress morphed into an author/computer geek...)
|ďI Ainít Good. Iím the Best.Ē|
A film review of Arthur Pennís 1967 classic, Bonnie and Clyde
|Survivor: Blood vs. Water: Score!|
The Sole Survivor of Blood vs. Water is crowned, Monica finds the real Monica, and memorable moments from the reunion
|Survivor: Blood vs. Water: Mixed Bag|
Tyson looks through his bag, Vytas joins the jury, and Ciera ditches the newbies
|Big Brother 15 House of Mirrors: The Drinks are on Andy|
My final thoughts on Big Brother 15, the reunion, and Andy
|Big Brother 15 House of Mirrors: The Amanda Show|
Amanda's arrival at the jury house, end of the season awards, and out of context quotes
|Big Brother 15 House of Mirrors: The Lying Game|
Andy's legacy, conspiracy theories, and out of context quotes
|Big Brother 15 House of Mirrors: John Nash in the House!|
Amanda doesn't listen to music, Elissa smiles, and Andy and Elissa fight over the meaning of "threaten"
|Big Brother 15 House of Mirrors: Fighting the World|
Jessie pisses everybody off, Amanda gets her Axl Rose on, and out of context quotes
|Big Brother 15 House of Mirrors: The Path of Least Resistance|
Double eviction madness, Amanda's conversational skills, and the person I want to come back in the house
|Big Brother 15 - Live Audience Experience|
Sharing my Big Brother studio audience experience, from start to finish!
|Big Brother 15 House of Mirrors: Cause Without a Rebel|
Candice inadvertently invokes a skit from Chappelle's Show, and I go on another diatribe about the MVP twist
|Big Brother 15 House of Mirrors: America's Sweetheart|
Passages from The Fountainhead, the glaring contradictions of Elissa, and one of my favorite houseguests I never get to write about
|Big Brother 15 House of Mirrors: Aliens Exist|
GinaMarie stars in The Fugitive, and is Aaryn a racist?
|Big Brother House of Mirrors: You and Your Phonies|
McCrae pretends to be MVP, Howard unsuccessfully throws a competition, and Aaryn tries to apologize
|Big Brother 15 House of Mirrors: Say Cheese!|
My take on the MVP twist, and Helen's penchant for Nirvana
|Big Brother 15 House of Mirrors: Too Much Too Soon|
A look at the insanely fast pace of the game so far, and the art of the Jeremy apology
|Big Brother 15 House of Mirrors: For Your Love|
An evaluation of the major Big Brother 15 showmances
|Big Brother 15 House of Mirrors: Fight Club|
Amanda displays her acting chops, Jeremy steals some wine, and Aaryn cooks some pizza
|Big Brother 15 House of Mirrors: Pretty in Pink|
Aaryn expresses her disappointment with David, Jeremy and Elissa discuss Gisele Bundchen, and David wears a dress
|Big Brother 15 House of Mirrors: Scouting Report|
Your guide to the Big Brother 15 cast