Everyone thinks they possess a preternatural ability to read people (see Aaryn Gries.) They read through some amateur text about body language and become convinced they can determine whether someone is lying by analyzing the size of the subject’s pupils. Or perhaps they talk in vague clichés. “I just have a sixth sense for this sort of thing,” they ’ll say. “It’s my natural-born intuition.”
These people are always wrong. You should be incredulous of anyone who issues such proclamations.
I can predict with staggering accuracy the results to Big Brother based solely on 6 minute interviews. And so I have done exactly that.
Note: Each category represents a different phase in the game. Within each category, the housemates are listed in no particular order. This is not based on merit, but rather longevity in the game.
The Curtain Jerkers
Amanda, AKA Verbal Diarrhea Girl: Amanda is “too honest.” She is known to say incendiary things. She otherwise wouldn’t be a threat, but her mouth is going to get her evicted in the early stages of the game.
David Girton, AKA The Big Chill: I love this dude! He will provide much comic relief. He is the consummate surfer dude from California and he is willing to be America‘s gigolo. He will be inexplicably viewed as a threat and evicted not unlike Braden from season 11.
GinaMarie Zimmerman, AKA Army of One: GinaMarie is all about pushing her mind and body to the limit. Her credo is “To be the best, you have to beat the best.” Her interests include “cracking skulls,” taking people down, and zombies.
Howard Overby, AKA Black Southern Gentleman: There are several flags that are raised in Howard’s interview: He loves God, he used to be a bodybuilder, he doesn’t want to compromise his morals, etc. He will be evicted early because the rest of the house will find his physique intimidating.
Aaryn Gries, AKA X-Ray: X-Ray is one of those aforementioned people who claims to be good at reading people. Her personality is very low-key and that will serve her well. However, she will be hamstrung by her reluctance to stab people in the back.
Elissa Slater, AKA Rachel’s Sister. She is Rachel’s sister. Her longevity is contingent on how revealing her laugh is.
Andy Herren, AKA Gay Guy: Yeah, I know it’s lame to define Andy entirely on his sexuality, but let’s face it, Big Brother did. He meets their one homosexual per year quota and I’m sure Andy is happy to be on the show regardless of the circumstances. Andy is a smart and humorous guy who will make it to the latter stages of mid-game.
Candice Stewart, AKA Culturally Diverse Girl. Candice is a former NFL cheerleader and Miss Louisiana. She claims to be “quick to listen and slow to talk,” but her composure will start to crack in the mid-game
Jessie Kowalski, AKA Unemployed Overachiever Girl. Jessie is used to being the center of attention and wears her heart on her sleeve. She says she is a bad liar but we are going to give her bonus points for her willingness to entertain the fans. Her downfall is that she is influenced by Kail from season 8.
Jeremy McGuire, AKA Boat Guy: Boat guy is of the particular subphylum of people who live on a boat. If he wins the money, he has stated that he would like to buy a bigger boat. He is a very cagey individual (he refused to talk about his strategy) and I think this is a smart move. For that reason I am giving him dark horse status.
McCrae Olson, AKA Pizza Guy: McCrae has a crackling personality. As a former pizza deliver boy, I have a soft spot from this pizza delivery boy from Minnesota. He will be the “cool” guy.
Kaitlin Barnaby, AKA The Recruit: Kaitlin is a bartender and is the only person who identified that they were recruited by production in their interview. Her prospects look pretty good, but she says she gets along better with guys than woman. The other women will feel threatened by her and she will be evicted much like Angie from season 10.
The Main Eventers
Judd “The Judd” Daugherty: Judd didn’t give me much of anything in his interview and for that reason I am putting him in the final four.
Helen Kim, AKA Cottonmouth: Helen Kim is a total badass with a “high threshold of pain.” She is willing to shave her head if necessary. As a political consultant, she will be very effective at managing alliances.
Nick Uhas, AKA Spiderman Guy: Sure, Nick fails a lot. He cries a lot too. He’s no “super-genius” and no one is going to confuse him with Captain America. But after eight minutes of hearing him talk, I’m ready to give him the $500,000. He is impossibly charming and has a razor sharp wit. Unfortunately, he will not make it to the final two because his charm is too pronounced.
Spencer Clawson, AKA Beard Guy: You may think that beard guy is just some rube and that’s exactly what he wants you to think. This is a man who grew out his beard (which he compares to Benjamin Franklin’s coonskin hat) because he thought that production would want to capitalize on the growing trend of redneck reality TV. This railroad conductor is going to be a huge social threat, so much so that people won’t even realize how dangerous he is. He will win Big Brother 15.
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Amanda's arrival at the jury house, end of the season awards, and out of context quotes
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Andy's legacy, conspiracy theories, and out of context quotes
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Candice inadvertently invokes a skit from Chappelle's Show, and I go on another diatribe about the MVP twist
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