Meting people is easy, especially when all it requires is a click of the mouse. Ah, the perks of parasocial relationships! Seriously, I no longer have the patience to strike up banal conversations with strangers, struggling to elevate small talk to medium talk. Who needs the tsuris of all that? I demand immediacy. I demand no reciprocity from my end whatsoever. I demand six minute videos that sum up one’s ethos and delve deep into the more significant characteristics of a person, you know, like whether or not they are open to pursuing a showmance on reality TV.

Anyway, those people I conveniently met earlier, they are the 16 new contestants comprising Big Brother 16. And as is customary with all of my friends, I will now rank their performance in the game of Big Brother.

The rules of the game remain the same: These rankings are not a reflection of the best intrinsic game players, but rather the players who will advance furthest in the game; within the categories, the houseguests are listed in no particular.


The Curtain Jerkers

Zach Rance, AKA The Douche: Even though he hasn’t had a girlfriend since preschool, this unemployed college graduate is absolutely certain that the ladies will respond to him. He also fancies himself a conartist on the basis that he can “control everyone’s wants and desires.” As far as I can tell, Zach’s first and only act as a conman is purporting himself as a conman. Maybe some will fall for his grift, but his gameplay will be way too loud and get him tossed out early.


Nicole Franzel, AKA The Neurotic: This Live Feeder seems sweet, but I get the feeling that she may have a hard time relating to other houseguests. Don’t believe me? Well do you know many people who are afraid to sleep by themselves? Yeah, I didn’t think so. She also gets a major red flag when discussing her week 2 game in which she says that she will just count on her alliance to win. If you’re game is contingent upon winning HOH every week, you’re in trouble.



Devin Sheperd, AKA Mr. Integrity: Mr. Integrity is playing to uphold a standard of probity for his daughter watching at home. He similarly seems very rigid on the concept of team, averse to parlay with the other side. On top of everything, the man is has an intimidating build.



Vitoria Rafaeli, AKA Kodak: Kodak is a photographer and, judging from her interview, I’m going to assume that all of her photos are self portraits. She thinks most girls are “mean” and (say it with me) “jealous.” In an innocuous interview with the always charming Jeff Schroeder, she starts to get unreasonably abrasive, which does not bode well for her in the Big Brother house.



The Mid-carders


Paola Shea, AKA Pao Pao: Pauola seems like the kind of person who is more interested in becoming a Big Brother personality than a Big Brother champion. She has admitted to having a “big mouth” and supposedly upset Jeff by calling him “kind of fat.”



Caleb Calafiore, AKA The Bobber: Caleb is an Adventure Hunting Guide. Yeah, I haven’t the foggiest idea what that is. He also has dubbed himself The Bobber. I don’t know what that is either. Anything else you want to add, Caleb?

“I’m just goin’ in with an open mind, open heart, and just ears, eyes, and—uh—myself.”




Cody Reynolds, AKA The Salesman:Cody comes off as bland in his interviews, which means he appears to be a reasonable person. It is however possible that, being too confident of his abilities as a salesman, he may overplay.



Joey Van Pelt, AKA The Ladies’ Lady: Joey is all about the girl alliance. She is an interesting character (she was both the Homecoming Queen of her prom and the school mascot,) but, as a recruit, her knowledge of the game seems limited.


Jocasta Odom, AKA Bowtie: This minister seems refreshingly not hung up on being an avatar of her faith. She will lie. She will subsequently repent, but hey, she will lie! She believes in a balance of winning competitions and throwing them which sounds solid to me. She also gets bonus points by invoking Brian from Big Brother 10 while discussing the perils of overplaying at the get-go.I Oh yeah, Jocasta has been known “jump over women at baby showers.” Did I mention that? She does that too.



Hayden Voss, AKA Marathon Man: Hayden gives off major surfer dude vibes (even though he doesn’t really surf,) but don’t write him off as another David. He’s got the right disposition for the game. “I like to look at it like a vacation,” he says, “but I’m definitely not going to treat it as a vacation.” Hayden is a recruit though, so I imagine his game may be lacking in subtlety and pacing.



Derrick Levasseur, AKA Five-0: Five-0 likes to talk about how being an undercover cop will pay dividends in his Big Brother game. I’m not so sure about that, but he seems like a clever fella. However, he may be too reluctant to sully his reputation as a police officer.



Frankie Grande, AKA The Gay Guy: Frankie has a flamboyant personality which might be too prominent for him to be under the radar. His sister is Ariana Grande. Professionally, Frankie is a YouTube Personality, which is the kind of gig available to you when your sister is Ariana Grande.


The Main Eventers


Amber Borzotra, AKA Vogue; Amber is what The Eagles would have called “terminally pretty,” so don’t bat an eye when I tell you she is a model. She comes off as somewhat obtuse, but, guess what, not everyone in the Final Four is brilliant game player.



Donny Thompson, AKA Beard Guy: Is this a thing now? Has Beard Guy become a staple of Big Brother? Well, count me in. I love these guys.  Like Spencer, he will use his humor to disarm people, and he will go far. Oh yes, Beard Guy will go far.


Brittany, AKA #Musicfrom“The Elder”: In response to Jeff’s question about either winning and being hated or losing and being loved, Brittany chooses the former “only because, every day in life, there’s always somebody that is mad at you for doing good, and it seems like the worse you do, the more they love you.” It’s a confounding statement, and I can’t determine if it is utter nonsense or the words of a stately elder. She seems pretty swell, though. I forgive her for claiming she is good at reading people.



Christine Brecht, AKA Monopoly: This super-fan is positively electric. She wants to form a secret alliance with someone from an opposing alliance à la the Ryan and Sharon arrangement from Big Brother 9. She is gregarious and has honed her strategic acumen from playing board games and watching the Live Feeds. Christine is my pick to win Big Brother 16.


To watch the interviews for yourself, go here and here.