Homeboys, You Feel Me?

Did you know that Caleb freestyle raps? No kidding, home skillet just dropped this gem on us a few weeks ago like it was afflatus. Well, for the sake of posterity, I have transcribed his magnum opus. And let me tell you: It’s a great honor to bring this to the masses. If this is what I am eternally remembered for, I shall die a happy man.



They call me Beast Mode

I’m here from the country

I got my boots on

Homeboys, you feel me

I got a onesie on and a turban on my head

But I am not from Bagdad

But listen to me

I am from the US

They call me Caleb Reynolds

I make toys at Toys “R” Us

But I don’t know about it

I work in the garden center

I work at Lowes

I help people with their splinters

Because they pick up wood

They come to the lumber aisle

I don’t even know

But Caleb is in denial

I got the boots on and I got a onesie on

It’s zipped up to the front to the top of my dome


OK, I know what you’re thinking: Justin, this is way too good to be impromptu. Believe it, y’all. Home fry spits truth like I ain’t never heard. Shit, my man is on higher plane. For reals. Yeah, I know: I don’t expect everyone to understand the profundity of his artistry. Haters gonna hate, you dig? Ain’t not a God damn thing you can do ‘bout that. You just gotta roll with that shit. Put the boots on and help the common folk with their splinters.


Time to Play the Game

Do you realize that there are eight houseguests left in the house? That’s right, eight! We’re halfway through the season, and it doesn’t even feel like it’s started yet. Why is that? Well, I would ascribe most of that to the dynamic engendered by the Battle of the Block twist.

But there’s something else at work too. Just like any other season of Big Brother, there is a segment of the cast that either (a) isn’t really interested in winning, (b) is too timid to make a move, or (c) doesn’t have the requisite knowledge of the game to make moves. It’s hard to say whether this cast has a higher concentration of these players than usual, but, due to the staid trajectory of this season, it certainly seems that way.

Look, I like Donny. He seems like a pleasant dude. But he has come to represent the monotony of this season: Every morning I turn on the feeds and see him lounging in a room by his lonesome. He will do this for hours.

No, Donny has not entered the Twilight Zone. Nor is it a punitive Solitary Dance Party. He is just on a different sleep schedule than the rest of the house, the senior citizen sleep schedule to be specific. He does this voluntarily.

I understand the impulse to escape. I can’t imagine how taxing it is to be in the Big Brother house. The thing that impresses me most about the great players is their commitment to the game. Any sleep they chance upon is fitful, for their mind is forever vigilant, constantly prowling for new avenues of strategic tack.

Yet it is still frustrating to see such passivity. Donny shows no interest in making strategic moves.[1] If he did, he would stay up at night with the kids. Instead, he seems to just enjoy the experience in the Big Brother house: When he sees a good confrontation, he’ll say something like, “That’ll make for a good episode.”

Donny isn’t so much a Big Brother player as he is a Big Brother fan. And he doesn’t have the luxury of turning off the television anymore.


Now That's what I Call Out of Context Quotes Volume 1

Caleb: “I think today is a boot jean kind of day.”

Zach: “I don’t need friends, because all I care about is myself.”

Joey: “You know that sweet smell of urine?”

Victoria: “I want someone to be obsessed with me.”

Caleb: “’You know, Frankie, our situation is kind like a hogdoggin’ situation.’”

Hayden: “I’ve always envisioned myself as, like, the drunk uncle with no kids and no wife.”

Paola: “[Devin] eats a lot of food, and that intimidates me.”

Devin: “I don’t look fat do I?”

Derrick: “. . . I can tell you right now, none of you are jerkin’ me off. It’s not happening, bra.”

Devin: “. . . I wish we could throw Frisbees and each other all the time.”

Christine: “I just want to punch [Devin’s] balls so hard!”

Caleb: “. . . I want my next relationship to be my last one. And I want it to be Christ-like.”

Cody: “Yeah, I actually had a really cool dream. . . . The girl of my dreams was in it.”


[1] Donny has performed exceedingly well in competitions. I’ll give him that. But he is disregarding the most important aspect of Big Brother.