Let Them Drink Booze (Continued)

Why are you doing this to me, Big Brother. Year after year, you foist all of these asinine twists upon me, and you neglect the simple truths: Alcohol breeds drama. Alcohol breeds fights. Alcohol = good live feeds.[1] Looking for a new twist? How about more alcohol! This doesn’t have to be complicated.

The alcohol supply is dwindling every year. This year, it seems like the only time houseguests get alcohol, aside from HoH baskets, is during competitions. And of course Big Brother cuts the live feed during competitions, so we don’t get to see any booze induced silliness. No, we just get to watch people in their post drunk lethargy. Excellent, guys. Just excellent.

And please, don’t give me any of that “it’s a family show” hooey. Your man, Otev, drops f-bombs on the reg; you (thankfully) casted Mike Boogie on three seasons; Liz and Julia are in their lingerie in the opening credits. This isn't Full House.

I know I’ve addressed this every year since the genesis of this column, but I don’t care. We will not give up this fight. In the words of Edmund Burke, "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." 

So just think of me as a houseguest begging for a booze night. Tonight, guys? What about tonight? Can we please get some alcohol tonight?


And the Verdict is . . .

You know what’s the worst? Bitter juries. Bitter juries give me the willies. They can tarnish the legacy of a season in one fell swoop. Yeah, that’s right, I’m looking at you, Big Brother 14. Why don’t you pop a squat in the corner and think about what you did, Big Brother 14 jury.

So far, the current season's jury is looking downright vengeful.                                                    

The anti-Vanessa sentiment is palpable in the jury house. Obviously, Becky is a sworn enemy of Vanessa because, I don’t know, something about the way Vanessa asked for Becky’s word.[2] But even Shelli, one of Vanessa’s closest friends, is stoking this flame: When Jackie arrived at the jury house, Shelli was pissed at Vanessa for planting seeds of doubt in Steve’s head. Shelli wasn’t even aligned with Jackie! Why should she feel offended? And why isn’t Steve catching any heat?

Meg: “I just know that Vanessa is gonna have zero votes in jury.”

James: “Oh my god. She’s not gonna have any.”

Look, I get it: Vanessa has been the most dominant player of the season. She has scads of influence in the house. But that should be the reason to give her your jury vote, right? Objectively, if Vanessa is in the Final Two, she should win over anyone.

But a bitter jury is not objective. A bitter jury feels betrayed. “It’s funny that we kept her,” said Meg referring to Becky’s HoH where they evicted Shelli. But here’s the thing: Keeping Vanessa was not an act of altruism. They kept her because it was in their best interest to keep her. It was the smart move, and it potentially kept them in the game longer. Vanessa doesn’t owe Meg and James anything.

Is Vanessa hypocritical in the way she plays the game? Sure. I think it’s fair to say that there is a gap between how she thinks she is playing the game and how she is actually playing the game. Her loyalty and integrity isn’t exactly Abe Lincoln-grade. It’s more Big Brother contestant-grade. And that isn’t anything to be ashamed about, but her inability to acknowledge this is irking a lot of her cohabitants.

Maybe it irks you. That’s fine.[3] But has her unawareness detracted from her performance? I honestly don't think it has. She’s currently in a decent position. And her Final Two resume is unparalleled this year.

I hope that would matter to the jury.


Now That’s What I Call Out of Context Quotes Volume 3

Johnny Mac: “I had a car that turned into a robot.”

Steve: "Do you know the phrase, 'get da' steppin'?"

Vanessa: “You knew that I didn’t know he knew.”

Julia: “I wouldn’t trust [Austin] with a 10 foot pole.”

Austin: “I wonder if Clay Aiken’s watching right now.”

James: “Meg, get your ass up there right now. You go barf and, you tell her you’re pregnant. Get Jeff’s ass off the block.”

Steve: “I’m not Ken Jennings. I’m Steve Moses.”

Rob Gronkowski: “Party, party, party. It’s midnight—give someone a kiss.”


[1] The most recent evidence would be Vanessa erupting at James for saying that she plays the game too hard. She goes from “That’s your opinion and I respect that,” to “So are you like insulting me right now?”in a matter of seconds. Thank you, Port wine, for your relatively high alcohol content.

[2] Unforgivable? Unforgivable.

[3] I personally think she makes for great TV.