Mic Check, One Two
Guys, I suck at reading juries. I never know what I’m getting into with this inscrutable lot. In my young and idealistic years, I tended to err on the side of objectivity. I thought the jury would simply award the best player. However, then I became disillusioned to the reality that, much like life itself, these shows aren’t always a meritocracy.
These days, I find myself thinking increasingly about the importance of likability. Sure, being on Big Brother is a dream come true. But you know what else it is? Stressful. How often do we hear people say things like, “Putting you on the Block was the hardest decision of my life”? And when you’re sitting in the jury with your dream crushed, still reeling from the anxiety of the game, you might not want to award someone whom you associate with that anxiety. You might want to award someone whom made the experience easier for you.
Early on, I thought Steve was toast because of this. It wasn’t that Steve strategic skills were lacking. As I said then, Steve has an excellent head for the game. But his social skills were so abysmal. I mean, how could these people who were so annoyed by Steve vote to give him $500,000? It was unthinkable.
And yet here we are. Steve Moses won Big Brother 17. This jury turned out to be objective after all: Steve deserved to win over Liz. The Man played a damn solid game. It wasn’t flashy, but it was well designed. It got him where he needed to be in order to take out Vanessa, the best player of the season.
Is Steve's victory yoked solely to his decision to ax Vanessa? Does the notion of Steve winning suddenly become less distasteful to the jury after he takes out their bête noire? And how would Vanessa have fared in the Final Two? If Vanessa is sitting next to Liz in the Finals, does she win?
I couldn't tell you because, again, I’m an idiot when it comes to juries. Perhaps I’m a little more competent than Big Brother’s sound technicians, but that’s a low bar.
End of the Season Awards
It’s awards season, y’all! Wait, is it awards season? It’s always awards season. Awards are stupid. Except for these awards, the House of Mirrors End of the Season Awards, brought to you by Irish Spring, the zest you can taste—and smell!
Best Houseguest Shout-Out: “Shout-out that bitch from Etsy.”—Jason
Honorable Mention: “Shout-out to the girls who like the ponytail beard.”—Liz
Most Love Shown Towards JokersUpdates: Jason
Champion of the Live Feeds: Austin
Honorable Mention: James
Best Diary Room Sessions: Johnny Mac
Best Speeches: Austin
Best Competitor: Vanessa
Best Gamer: Vanessa
Best Competition: Ready Set Whoa!
Honorable Mention: Bowlerina
Best Showmance: Liztin
Catchphrase of the Season: Brass tacks (Austin)
Mascot of the Season: the General
Best Big Brother Takeover: Rob Gronkowski
Worst Alliance: Dark Moon
Best Alliance Name: the Brass Tacks (Austin, Liz, Julia, James, Meg, Jackie)
Vanessa’s Angels (Liz, Julia, Vanessa, Austin)
Best Conspiracy Theory: Steve is the blue Power Ranger
Best Piece of Apparel: Liz’s kitty cat hat
The Daniele Donato “Awkward” Award: Steve accidentally telling Da’Vonne that he loves her
Now That’s What I Call Out of Context Quotes Volume 7
Johnny Mac: “Bricks are really bad for your teeth. You don’t wanna eat those. Unless it’s gummy bricks. They have all the taste of regular bricks but they’re gummy: They’re easier to chew and digest.”
Austin: “I feel like this is 1350, and the Black Plague has just struck and you just stole, like, the emperor’s clothes and you’re walking around with them ‘cause everyone’s dead and now you’re like, uh, royalty.”
James: "How many erections have you had in your life?"
Becky: “Never have I ever had sex with a blowup giraffe.”
Jace: “They’re usin’ you, brother. They’ve been using you like a piece of tackle on the end of a fishing line. Hook, line, and sinker.”
Julia: “I have Vine just to, like, look at cat videos.”
Johnny Mac: “James, I decided to use the Silver Power of Love to save you.”
Steve: “I’m worried about the legality of riding a zebra around Los Angeles.”
Austin: I was supposed to be Liz’s knight in shining armor, and I’ve become her squire. I guess you could say I’m her first lady. I’m fine with that, though. I’m open-minded.”
Shelli: “I always, always, always, ever since I learned about him in elementary school, I have been—I had this strange obsession and love and extreme curiosity about Abraham Lincoln. I find him fascinating; I find him—I, I believe he was a kind man. I believe in what he did. I believe in, like, his reasonings behind things. I think he—I just have loved him ever since I was a little girl. Like any time you, like, get a question like ‘If you could have, you know—if you could have dinner with one person dead or alive’—it’s always been Abraham Lincoln for me. I just love him.”
Julia: “Well, like, a couple has never made it, like, this far in the game, so hats to them.”
Jonny Mac: “When I get HOH, I’m gonna sit in the bathroom instead of the HoH room, and the people who don’t flip the [occupied] sign over—that’s who I’m nominating.”
Liz: “Beauty is pain.”
Julia: “Would you rather have shrimp for nipples or crayons for teeth?"
Johnny Mac: “Am I weird?”
Vanessa: "[D]o you wanna have a jumping contest?"
Steve: “Piccolo trumpets are cool.”
 When Julie Chen said, “You played an amazing game Vanessa,” I teared up a little. Yup, I’m way too into this game.
 Jeff Probst pretty much always gives the Survivor jury these types of hypotheticals; Julie Chen, for whatever reason, does not.
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