The Aloha State braces itself for Hurricane Tyra.
Previously on America’s Next Top Model: Cover Girl commercials are a disaster, even when they get to write the dialog themselves, Erin gets served a big warm cup of get the f*ck over yourself, and Rae is sent home because she just doesn’t bring enough drama at this stage in the production. Official reason for her going home: they don’t see “model” when they look at her.
We begin tonight’s episode with Erin waxing philosophical about her hideous performance last week and her status as one of the bottom two – she says she's only 18, but she still needs to work on not blubbering like a moron every time something goes awry. She may not have used those exact words, but something similar. No Personality Brittany gives us her take on Erin's situation. Since she (NPB) is 21, she “knows herself” and she realizes that some of the other girls may not have the confidence and insight that she does at this stage in their careers. Excuse me while I go laugh my ass off…21 yr olds are hilarious, aren't they? She should work out a comedy skit based on that line of thought because really, I’m still busting up.
The ladies come back to the house and they see a bunch of red tape everywhere and signs that say “DANGER” and “CONDEMNED.” There are people walking around in hazmat suits and of course Tyra is there to chew some scenery. You know that self-awareness you were talking ‘bout, Brittany? Yeah, Tyra is like 48 and she still has none, so put that in your 21 year old pie hole and chew on it.
It turns out the girls that live there are filthy pigs and Tyra has put the house in quarantine because it’s so gross. Why did you hire people to clean it, Tyra? Make those sloppy dwarfs do it! As a matter of fact, get Nigel in there and have him take photos of them “modeling” while they scrub the house clean! Two birds, you know. I’m all about efficiency. Tyra takes them around to show them their own filth, and these women just giggle and coo as Tyra shows them various levels of their grossness.
Does she get firm? Does she tell them it’s unacceptable to treat someone else’s house that way? Does she remind them that normal people do not live like that? Um, no. She takes them to the backyard and tells them they are not allowed to stay in the house anymore because they are ALL GOING TO HAWAII! And the crowd goes wild, of course. Way to guide, Tyra. Hey, by the way, isn’t Hawaii a bit of a rip off compared to the other exotic locales this show has been? Poor short stacks – they get the cast off modeling agency, they get criticized for being short all the time AND they get robbed on the foreign locale front.
They drive up to their NEW house on Maui and after just being told what a bunch of pigs they are, I wonder how long it will take them to trash this place. But, they walk around in awe and Jen notices that her commercial is playing in every room in the house. She got best commercial last week, so her work gets displayed for the week in the house as digital art. She seems a bit freaked out that her face is in EVERY ROOM. Guess she hasn’t studied Tyra enough. Take a cue, girl. Normally every wall is covered with photos of Tyra, holding a photo of Tyra, holding a photo of Tyra, so if I were you I’d be flattered she was willing to yield the space for a bit. How on earth are you going to grow into a ridiculously self-centered model who loves herself so much that she can’t even have a relationship with anyone else because no one is as great as she is if you don’t enjoy seeing your own face plastered all over the place? Work on that, girl.
Oh, I was just reminded that Teyonne won last season. WTF was that all about, anyway?
Ok so now the minis are on the beach getting surfing lessons from a grown man who calls himself Buzzy. We are treated to various footage of the women learning to surf and then some “random” guys walk up to the ladies and ask them if they’d like to go surfing. Literally 2 seconds later, Mr. Jay appears and faux chastises them for acting like they are on vacation. Those 2 random guys are actually going to be with them during the shoot today. They're going to have to pose on top of a surfboard (while its in the water) with one of the randoms and still look fierce. Good luck, ladies, cuz I don't see it happening.
After the shoot, Mr. Jay kind of gives them a rundown on how they did in relation to all the lessons they have learned throughout the last few weeks. I’m not trying to tell him his job, but they WERE up on a surfboard. I don’t think it’s really fair to say they haven’t learned anything based on trying to balance yourself on a board in the ocean with another person on it with you. I’ve tried surfing many times. NOT EASY. But, he gives his worthless opinion anyway and it went something like this: Sundai, Jen and Laura were no good, Nicole was a’ight, and Brittany and Erin kicked ass. And Erin won the challenge and got a helicopter ride as a prize. Which seemed pretty cool to me, but she bitched about it because she couldn’t fold it up into her suitcase and take it home. Then Brittany bitched about Erin’s bitching. Show of hands – who thinks either Erin or Brittany are going home tonight? Yeah, me too.
After the helicopter ride, she goes back to the house and continues to complain about it and how it’s not something she can take home like jewelry or dinner. Yep, she said dinner. She would rather shove steak dinner into her suitcase than ride in a helicopter over some of the most beautiful scenery in the country. Mmkay. The other ladies are appropriately appalled and Erin tells us AGAIN that she’d rather have jewelry. Well guess what, Erin? I’d rather be watching someone who acts a little bit humble when given a gift, but we can’t always get what we want. Ask Mick Jagger, he’ll tell ya.
Laura is SUNBURNED. Ouchie. She said she was wearing 80 SPF at the photo shoot, but maybe she didn’t realize you have to put it on ALL OVER because she looks like a ham with a big blonde wig on. She manages to get it together and the ladies are off to meet Jay at the next shoot location. And what a treat he has in store for them! TYRA is going to be their photographer again! For the 2nd time this season! We are watching history here, folks, for this is the first time in ANTM history that Tyra has done TWO photos shoots in one season. Well, I am speechless. How does this woman find the capacity to just give and give and give?
The theme of this shoot is “celebrating” all the different cultures that came to Hawaii to work in the sugar cane fields. To do this, all the women are going to be dressed as two different races (Tyra calls them races, but I believe she means nationalities) because it’s fun to perpetrate stereotypes! Let me guess, Tyra – the Greek woman will be dressed like a gypsy, the Native American will be wearing lots of feathers and perhaps holding a tomahawk and the Russian gal will have a sarafan and a kokoshnik. I’m sure that’s exactly what they all wore when they were chopping sugar cane, too. Tyra is just so international!
They all do pretty well except Erin and NPB. Of course. To drive that point home, we get a little segment of Erin complaining about everything interspersed with NPB complaining about Erin complaining about everything. Judging ought to be no sweat.
Tyra gives her spiel about the prizes and introduces the judges and the guest judge, Kirsty Hume. She’s been on the covers of lots of magazines and I’m guessing Kirsty is tall, or else Tyra would have pointed out otherwise.
Jennifer is up first and right off the bat, Nigel tells her she looks like one of those National Geographic ladies. Like that’s her fault. She's wearing brush on her head and a rather ornate necklace. Oh yeah, and she's in black face. So I think her National Geographic look has less to do with her and more to do with the fact that she's decked out like Nefertiti on a hayride. Kirsty has no problem piping in with her opinion that Jen’s angles are weird and Tyra tells her she started off sucky but ended up being fine.
Nigel was the first to weigh in on Laura’s photo, too. Who hit his buzzer? Is he in some sort of opinion race? STFU for a minute, dude. Besides, all he ever says is “it’s good, but I don’t know if it’s MODEL.” Whatever, Nigel. You’re still hot, though. Laura gets a similar critique to Jennifer's -- the judges seem surprised that it doesn't even look like her. Really? You think it might have something to do with the fact that you painted her up with brown makeup and gave her a black wig? Cuz that'll happen.
Erin gets nailed pretty good. No one really likes her photo, and they all gang up on her over the fact that she didn’t try to learn more about Tibet (because all the other women knew SO MUCH about the countries they were representing), and I laughed out loud when Tyra said, “oh you should have asked me, I could have told you more.” Oh really, Tyra? Do share what it is you know about Tibet other than the Dalai Lama is from there. I would just love to hear your thoughts on the Seventeen Point Agreement. Man, I wish Erin would have rolled her eyes at Tyra. That would have been good TV.
During Erin’s critique, they cut to NPB looking kinda pleased at Erin’s beatdown. I wouldn’t get so smug, sweetheart, you’re about to get nailed, too. When it's her turn, NPB is told she has no energy and looks "catalog." Look who just caught up! Brittany has ALWAYS has the energy of a dead slug. I don’t know why they are just now clueing into that fact. Being called "catalog" is usually the kiss of death on this show, I'm not sure if NPB can save herself from this one.
Sundai, on the other hand, gets raves. Except that she’s short. That criticism just gets me.
Nicole knocks it out of the park and its fairly clear she’s going to be the best of the week.
Time for the judges to deliberate! They love Jen and Laura, hate Erin and Brittany, they think Sundai is kind of repetitive but looks good, Nicole is stellar and they’ve reached a decision! Six beautiful women stand before her, blah blah blah.
The first name she is going to call is…Nicole. Then Jennifer, Laura, and Sundai. And what do you know about that! NPB and Erin are the final two. BUT Tyra only has one photo in her hands! The girl whose photo she does not have must immediately pack her belongings and go home.
Tyra gives her normal spiel and sends No Personality Brittany home. She tells Erin to imagine her (Tyra) in her underwear next time she's nervous and THAT, ladies and germs, is my Tyra limit for the week. I can’t take no more, so I don’t even bother with the scenes for next week, so let me take a wild guess:
Next week on America’s Next Top Model: The girls are short, they go to a photo shoot, and Tyra tries to wedge herself into the episode as much as possible.