America's Next Top Model: You Must Be This Tall to Proceed to Finals
By ElvisandMe, November 12, 2009
As the cycle draws to a close, its time to separate the tall from the short.
Previously on America’s Next Top Model: The minis learn to pose in sand and underwater. Sundai is awkward and weird and Tyra finally noticed. Who will be eliminated tonight?
The show opens AGAIN with Erin being sad about her umpteenth bottom 2 appearance, and the rest of the girls chatter about being the final four. It’s as boring as it sounds. They reminisce about that time yesterday when Marisa Miller showed them how to pose. They show a flashback of Ms. Miller saying “Guess what?! I’m only 5’8!” Well, that’s taller than Tyra is allowing on this cycle, Marisa, try again next year. In other news, these poor shorties really think they are going to have a shot at a "top model" career if they are shorter than 5’7”.
I would like to take this opportunity to point the heights of the ladies left in the competition: Erin is 5’6”, Jennifer is 5’5”, Laura is 5’6”, and Nicole is 5’7”. I have a sneaking suspicion that the girl who is 5’7” wins the competition. You’re not fooling us, Tyra, we know the business is what it is and there is a reason people under 5’7” are largely unsuccessful at it.
STOP! Hula time. Today’s challenge involves a cross between hula and hip hop. Each girl will be creating a solo routine combining these two genres to tell their “story.” Erin was able to finish up her story about how she became a snippy little bitch really quickly, so she decides she is going to school the other losers on how to do it “right.” This will not end well for Erin. The editing bay is taking this gal straight to the woodshed. They show so much footage of her talking about how great she is, along with the other minis worried about how bad Erin will kick their ass. Erin is about to go down, y’all. Let’s watch!
The winner of this challenge will win a trip to Hawaii. Hmmm. Seems redundant, but ok. Jennifer is up first, and from the looks of it, her story is about the first time she watched Karate Kid and saw the wax on, wax off move. She said it was about love, but I could totally hear this song playing in the background:
Erin is next – be prepared to have your SOCKS blown off! She says her story is about being sad and lonely, but if I were interpreting it, I’d say she was trying out for the role of George Jefferson in the upcoming musical “Moving On Up to the East Side”:
Laura’s story is clearly about her quest to steal Jay-Z out from under Beyonce:
Nicole was a big ol hot mess, though. I’m pretty her story is “I just pooped my pants” and she stole her moves from the Pepto Bismol commercial.
Hideous. Even Miss Jay had to make a joke of it to snap everyone out of the atrocity. But, all of Tyra’s challenges are merely academic, anyway, and have exactly zero to do with the overall competition, so let’s move on.
The gals got their critiques and everyone did decent except Nicole. Laura wins the challenge, and it is only now that I realize that the “winner” of this challenge has to bring one of the remaining competitors back to Hawaii with her! What the hell kind of prize is that? Congratulations! You've won a vacation for two, but you can't bring who you REALLY want to come with you! The woman has spent several weeks having to compete with these hags, and when the competition is over and she gets a chance to relax and enjoy Hawaii freely, she has to bring one of these bitches? CRIPES. She chooses Jennifer, and at home Laura's grandmother begins to cry into her grits realizing she is never going to get to see Hawaii before she dies. Thanks, Tyra!
When they get back to the house, Erin complains that she should have won because she was very helpful to the other girls. Well that wasn’t the challenge now was it, Erin? The challenge was to tell your story through dance and I guess you didn’t convey your desire to have a deluxe apartment in the sky well enough. Your bad.
Photo shoot time. Jay really tries to dramatize the theme today, but basically they are standing on a rock with the waves around them. But, but, BUT – the good news is TWO of the minis are going home. Yay, now we’re talking!
Jennifer is first and she is kind of a mess. She stayed on her tip toes even though it was making her wobbly, clearly a sign that Tyra’s “acceptance” of short models is working wonders on their confidence levels. The girl would rather fall down than look short.
Nicole had no problems whatsoever.
Laura looks a bunch like Rachel Hunter, but she’s having a really hard time and they don’t appear to like it. Jay tells her she looked drunk, for reasons unknown. The shoot is over, jackass, why crap all over the poor girl?
Erin seems to be doing fine, especially after Jay told her she was looking like she just sucked a sack of lemons. She ended up doing well. If I had to guess, I’d say Erin and Nicole did best, but who knows what Tyra’s crazy ass will say.
At judging, Erin is up first and they LOVE her photo, but Tyra takes the opportunity to slam the rest of her shots, saying she looked sleepy. I blame her newly re-bleached eyebrows. Those are bound to make anyone look like they are giving the stink-eye.
Jennifer does not get good marks, and when she tries to defend herself by saying she did some really good poses at the beginning, Tyra tells her those sucked, too. Oh, snap. You're only 5'5, sister friend, you may as well accept the inevitable.
Tyra doesn’t like Laura’s outfit and makes her roll up the sleeves like she’s Larry the Cable Guy. Tyra thinks it looks better, I think she looks even more hillbilly than usual. WHOA! Tyra just called her Rachel Hunter! I mean, she did look exactly like Ms. Hunter, but I am not sure how I feel about thinking along the same lines of Tyra. It freaks me out a little.
Side note: I always puzzle over why looking like another supermodel is a good thing. Remember Caridee from Cycle whatever? She was always getting told she looks like Rebecca Romijn, which I could definitely see. And there was “litte Tyra” too, even though she got tossed fairly early. The only problem is, Rebecca Romijn and Tyra Banks and Rachel Hunter already exist, so why would it be a good thing to look like one of them? We can just open Sport Illustrated from the 90s to see any of those people, how about something different? These are the things I ponder.
Anyway, now it’s Nicole’s turn. I am sure they will be gushing over her, but let’s go through the rigmarole, anyway…Nigel actually dogs her out a bit, but as usual he’s alone in his stupid opinion. Now it’s time to deliberate.
During the commercial break, we get another one of those vignettes where Nigel tries to convince us that ANTM was responsible for the current success of past contestants. Ah, well. At least they knocked off those insipid “My Life as a Cover Girl” commercials. I guess CG had about enough of them. Can’t say as I blame them. If any of Tyra’s winners actually sold a tube of mascara, I’d be surprised.
At deliberations, it’s pretty obvious that Nicole and Laura are going to stay, even though they throw out a red herring regarding Nicole.
Four beautiful young ladies stand before Tyra, BUT she only holds two photos in her hands. Tyra gives Nicole the first photo and decides to drag out the bequeathing of photo #2 by telling each gal what her problem is. She tells Jennifer that lately she’s been shaky and lost her way. How do you figure, Tyra? As you speak, her photo from last week is being displayed back at the house as digital art. She’s been a consistently strong contender throughout, and you should acknowledge that. She had a bad day TODAY, but don’t make it seem like she’s like ol’ Erin over there who has been the ambassador of suck for several weeks now.
When its Laura’s turn, Tyra basically calls her a homely hayseed and poor Laura looks like she’s about to cry. I get what Tyra’s saying. She does look simply “pretty” when she’s just being herself, but it’s her book of photos that matters, so I wish she would tell Tyra to stick a sock in it.
Erin started off strong. Yeah, we’ve heard this story a million times. Who cares? She’s sucked out loud for weeks now. Jennifer, Nicole and Laura started out strong, too. I don’t get Tyra’s point to keep bringing it up in Erin’s case. Still, Tyra calls today’s photo a comeback, as if Erin actually has a chance to unseat the two other women who have REMAINED strong instead of just STARTING strong.
In a move that shocks exactly no one, Laura receives the 2nd photo.
Tyra tries to cheer up the two losers and they go back to house to pack and go and get their chance to complain. It’s pretty standard, they are bummed they are leaving, they are going to keep on keeping on, but they don’t set the place on fire or anything.
Next week: We likely watch Tyra celebrate “petite” models by crowning the tallest of the bunch America’s Next Top Model.