[Author's note: My apologies to any readers who viewed the original draft of this article, which as it turns out didn't render properly in some browsers. This version is hopefully more browser-friendly.]
The official Houseguest bios are pretty superficial, but with some careful reading between the lines, you can get a little deeper, like to that layer you'd be at if the first layer was exfoliated. To save you the trouble of having to exfoliate the bios yourself, I'm sharing the "secret details" I exposed, in annotated form. As you soak it all in, you'll discover that the secret to gettting cast for "Big Brother 9: Writer's Strike Edition" was to be 20-something, own one or more pet turtles, like football, read magazines but not books, have multiple piercings and/or tattoos, and be best friends with your mom. On that last criteria, being a certified MILF and mom to one of the other HG's was also acceptable.
-- Scart --
Public Relations Manager
Delray Beach, FL via Cherry Hill, NJ
Adam has a master's degree in fashion design/marketing. He studied at Camden County College in New Jersey, Parson's School of Design in New York and Fashion Art Italy in Italy. He currently works as a PR manager where he arranges events, does publicity and is the Sponsorship and Creative Director for a foundation.
Adam is very close to his mother. He sees himself as an "in the moment" kind of guy when it comes to relationships and likes aggressive women who know themselves well. He talks a big game with women and considers himself to be quite the Casanova. He prefers to settle disagreements sooner rather than later and doesn't hold back during an argument. He is not easily intimidated.
He describes himself as stylish, trendsetting and a good person and is very proud to have his own clothing label.
[1.] ...and a girlfriend who lives in Canada.
[2.] She taught him to throw like a girl.
[3.] Like Casanova, he's a big fan of puffy shirts.
[4.] ...preferably with a 'Walk-Off' a la Zoolander.
[5.] Not afraid to turn on the waterworks if it helps him get his way.
[6.] ...unless you raise your voice. He has a phobia about raised voices.
Staten Island, NY
DJ Entertainment Company Owner
Alex was born and raised in Staten Island with his younger brother by his single mom. His father came into his life in high school and he tragically lost him on 9/11 in World Trade Center 2. Alex has dedicated his life to making his dad proud.
He has his bachelor's degree in business, marketing and advertising and is now working on his second master's degree in childhood education at St. John's University.
Alex owns an entertainment company that throws the hottest bar mitzvahs, sweet 16s and other parties in Staten Island. He has appeared on a billboard advertisement for the Vanderbilt Catering Facility and in a music video featuring Gia Bella.
Alex likes dancing, working and hanging out with friends. His favorite sports to watch are hockey and soccer. His pets include five turtles--E, Turo, DT, Squirt and Cookie. Maxim, DJ Times and Sports Illustrated are among the magazines he reads. He enjoys mainstream and vocal house music and his favorite movie is "Wedding Crashers." He is single and claims he is a true romantic looking for the right girl.
[1.] ...and only employee.
[2.] One Master's in childhood education didn't feel like enough.
[3.] Very popular with the 16-and-under crowd.
[4.] To be precise, he climbed the billboard one night on a drunken dare.
[5.] Apparently the other pets were too numerous to include in the list.
[6.] ... which is pretty much any girl in the 18-and-over crowd who would fawm over him like the 16-and-under crowd.
Pharmaceutical Sales Representative
Allison attended Rollins College in Winter Park, Florida and graduated with a bachelor of arts/psychology degree in 2002. She also spent a semester at sea, world travel, in the spring of that year.
She currently works in pharmaceutical sales where she works with specialists in the pulmonology/allergy sector. She is also part owner of a pottery studio and is an accomplished painter. Allison was interested in becoming a professional gambler but failed miserably at it. Now she has a strong aversion to gambling and doesn't do it at all.
She describes herself as confident, agile and sexy. She is a world traveler who committed over 1,000 hours to Mother Teresa's orphanages in India, Vietnam, China and Japan. Her favorite activities are exercising, critiquing movies, reading and painting. She believes that people gravitate toward her and that she commands attention naturally when she enters a room. But, she admits that while guys usually like her, women usually hate her. For the past few years, she has actually juggled more than two men at a time while having relationships.
[1.] Pharm Girl.
[2.] Typo. She spent a semester at Sea World.
[3.] ...thanks to a nifty divorce settlement.
[4.] It turns out playing high stakes Three Card Monte isn't very lucrative.
[5.] Those orphans really sucked at gambling.
[6.] She could only win so much off the orphans, so she had to pay off those gambling debts somehow.
Amanda has a bachelor's degree in paralegal studies/political science. She studied at the Winona State University in Winona, Minnesota.
She currently works as a legal contract specialist for a large health care insurance company. She claims that her mother is her best friend, and she encouraged Amanda to never give up and be a hard worker. She was very close to her father before he died, and considers herself to be the strong one of the family.
She loves to cook, Italian cuisine being her specialty. She's a hopeless romantic and wonders where all the good men are in the world. She sends her friends a daily motivational quote of the day by text message. Her favorite activities include running, shopping, dancing and entertaining. She loves football and played powder puff football in high school. She has two cats, and one, Chloe, thinks she's a dog.
[1.] Her main responsibility is to keep the "Claim Denied!" stamp fully inked at all times.
[2.] She romanticizes hopelessness
[4.] Third string kicker.
[5.] Chloe knows she's a cat - just thinks Amanda is ugly.
Cedar Falls, IA
Chelsia is currently a German major at the University of Northern Iowa. She has lived in Germany and will be studying in Austria for a year beginning this September.
She is a hot party girl who says it like it is. She likes older men and is looking to be loved. She describes herself as wild, sincere, competitive and determined with a big attitude. Chelsia loves motorcycles and wants to sell Harleys. She also loves her pet cat, Pugsley, who she calls her baby.
Her favorite television shows are BIG BROTHER and "Nip/Tuck." Her favorite movies include "American Beauty" and "Running with Scissors," and for music, she is a fan of Tool and Marilyn Manson.
Chelsia says she has had everything pierced and has three tattoos, two of which cover her back. She loves to watch football and her favorite activities include dancing, drinking, going out and watching movies.
[1.] She was granted special leave by the German Army to appear in Big Brother.
[2.] She and her hot friends want to talk to you about what makes them giggle. Just call 976-DUCK.
[3.] She's not as fond of her actual baby, who she refers to as "Thing" .
[4.] ..."everything" is code for "yes, even down there".
[5.] Where's the third? Let's just say...she's tatooed "everywhere".
[6.] She's only been 21 for a few months, but she's taken to that drinking thing like a pro.
Jacob is an ex-Marine now working as an electrician. He has lived all over the world and attended elementary school in San Diego, California and Okinawa, Japan before moving to Maryland, then Jacksonville, North Carolina. He is single and trying to move on from his last relationship, although he still has feelings for the woman who was his childhood sweetheart.
He describes himself as funny, energetic and caring, and the accomplishment he is most proud of is graduating from Marine Corps boot camp.
His hobbies include wakeboarding, soccer and putting together model cars, and his favorite sports to watch are football and soccer. His favorite television show is "Monday Night Football" and his favorite movie is "The Rock."
Jacob has three tattoos. One is a symbol that his ex made and the other two are crosses. He is religious and a regular churchgoer.
[1.] No such thing as an "ex-Marine" - obviously written by a civilian.
[2.] Only a few credits shy of graduating.
[3.] He thunk and thunk, and decided the best way to move on would be to spend several weeks living with his ex on a reality TV show.
[4.] ...who he once followed home in the 8th grade and then stalked for 12 years.
[5.] Where most people see "The Rock" as an Alcatraz action thriller, Jacob sees it as a powerful allegory about modern men feeling incarcerated and ultimately escaping their emotional prisons by embracing their inner woman.
[6.] Typo. The tattoo is a cymbal.
Riding Bicycle around the World
James, a high school graduate, is currently on a mission to ride his bicycle halfway around the world with no money in his pocket. He has also lived in Buenos Aires where he dressed mannequins for a living.
He describes himself as insane and crazy and has a few very different personalities, depending on his mood. He grew up in a broken home and had to learn to be different to get the attention he needed from others. He was the "freak" in high school who wore costumes to school when it wasn't Halloween. He is close with his mom and has one sister, both recently divorced.
His favorite movie is "Fight Club" and his favorite music is by The Clash. James has seven tattoos. He is currently single, but was engaged to an older woman at one point.
[1.] Started in Florida, headed East, got stuck at a little obstacle called the "Atlantic Ocean"
[2.] He has already accomplished the part about his pocket.
[3.] With those symptoms, the DSM IV supports his self-diagnosis.
[4.] A dolphin, a goldfish, a pixie, a portrait of Marilyn Monroe, a rainbow, the purple Teletubby, and the Chinese symbol for "heterosexual"
[5.] When he was 8, he asked his mom to marry him.
Jen is a fun/crazy party girl who has bounced from one relationship to the next. She is outspoken, real, loves attention and loves boys, although she is very loyal to her current boyfriend.
She earned a bachelor's degree in education from Bowling Green State University in Ohio, and is certified in Special Education K-12. Jen was a special education teacher after she graduated and admits it is a tough job that she misses. She would like to go back to teaching in the fall.
Jen describes herself as energetic, adventurous and beautiful, as well as a fighter and competitor. Her pets include her dog, a pug named Oscar, and a box turtle named Shellamar. Her favorite movie is "Blade" and her favorite television show is BIG BROTHER--she says she hasn't missed a season or an episode. Her favorite magazines are In Touch, US Weekly, People and Cosmopolitan.
Her body markings include double pierced ears, a pierced tongue and four tattoos: the Libra sign on the back of her neck, a turtle on the top of her right foot and her name and a tribal design on her lower back. Her favorite activities include shopping, tanning and hanging out with friends. She likes cheerleading and likes to watch football.
[1.] The "very loyal" part was added in case current boyfriend reads the part about loving boys and bouncing from one relationship to the next.
[2.] We may have found Alex's missing pets.
[3.] Note to self: might be a Joker's Updates regular, so be gentle.
[4.] You gotta reach pretty deep into the activity barrel to scrape out "tanning".
[5.] If you're not a professional cheerleader or cheerloading coach, how into cheerleading could a 26 year-old woman be?
Advertising Media Buyer
Joshuah is a gay man currently living in Dallas, Texas. He has a bachelor's degree in advertising, with a business minor, from the University of Texas at Austin.
Joshuah came out when he was 18 years old. He says he was a gay man who played straight growing up, playing football and having long term relationships with women. Things changed when he slept with his sister's cheerleading coach--ruining her cheering career--and claims that his family has never forgiven him. He's a bit of an exhibitionist, currently considers himself to be a bisexual and doesn't care what people think of him.
Football is his favorite sport. He played from the 4th to the 12th grades in school and loves watching college football. His has a huge fear of snakes and thinks they are the spawn of Satan.
[1.] Joshuah is gay.
[2.] Joshuah is gay.
[3.] Joshuah is gay.
[4.] Coach was a man - don't forget, Joshuah is gay.
[5.] Unlike the author of his bio, who considers him to be gay.
[6.] ...except for "trouser snakes", of which he's rather fond, on account of being gay and all.
Matt is an only child who is extremely close with his mom. His dad died when he was only 9 years old.
Matt is the ultimate competitor and feels he has something to prove since he lost on Couples' "Fear Factor" three years ago. He keeps most of his exes around for "booty calls," except his most recent ex who hooks up or flirts with guys to get him angry.
Matt claims he will be successful on BIG BROTHER because he is the "biggest liar/sweet talker you will ever meet. America will love me." He has a true Boston accent and a ripped body, and he makes sure everyone can see it 365 days a year. Matt describes himself as handsome, spontaneous and charming. He has three tattoos on his arm, back and belly, including his initials across his abs. Matt also has a pet turtle named Poppy.
A huge sports fan, his favorite teams are the Boston Red Sox and New England Patriots. He enjoys playing basketball and hockey.
Matt's favorite television show is "Entourage" and favorite movies include "Blow," "Casino" and "Jerry Maguire." Magazines that he reads include Maxim, Forbes and US Weekly and his favorite music is Jay-Z (hip hop), rock, house and R&B--any music that has soul.
[1.] Shamed by his first reality tv experience, he hopes to set things right with more reality tv.
[2.] ...because he considers her a slut for keeping exes around for "booty calls".
[3.] Not like those phonies who go around pretending to be Southies to impress the chicks.
[4.] This season of Big Brother is brought to you by Turtles R Us.
Natalie was a self-described military kid who moved around a lot. Her high school years were spent in Alameda, California, Salem, Oregon and Mililani, Hawaii. She studied at the Chemeketa Community College in Salem as well as the Art Institute of Las Vegas in Nevada.
Natalie is religious and takes her Bible everywhere. She's still very proud of her figure and loves to enter bikini contests. She previously won the title of Miss Hawaiian Tropic Oregon. She claims that she can make any coffee drink imaginable, and in a bikini at that. She is also a painter and dreams of opening a mermaid art store some day.
She describes her perfect romantic partner as someone who is smart, healthy with big strong muscles and he should love football. He should also be adventurous and honest and love God and Jesus. Natalie is also a pet lover and has two cats--Maximillion and Wilson--and a Jack Russell terrier named Samson.
[1.] Doesn't know what "barista" means, but thinks it sounds foreign and sexy.
[2.] The world's first Tele-bikini-vangelist. (And hopefully the last.)
[3.] Even at the advanced age of 28, she can still manage a thong.
[4.] ... and mermaids.
Los Angeles, CA
Neil is a gay man who resides in Los Angeles, California. He studied criminology, criminal justice, political science and business management in college but did not earn a degree. He is currently working as a real estate agent though acknowledges that it is a tough profession to be in right now.
Neil is close to his mother and says no matter what they are talking about they always end up laughing. She is currently in the throes of a divorce and he is definitely there to support her in her time of need.
He came to Los Angeles from Texas to pursue a modeling and acting career but gave it up when he encountered so many people there that he considers phony. He enjoys snow boarding, running, swimming, rollerblading, lifting weights, hiking and going to the beach. He plays dodge ball, kick ball, touch and ding dong ditch, which he plays with his little brother. He likes to watch figure skating, snow boarding and gymnastics.
Neil is currently single and describes himself as loyal, outgoing and energetic.
[1.] Have you met Joshuah? He's gay, y'know.
[2.] Her husband was bothered that she always ended up laughing at him, no matter what he was talking about.
[3.] Disillusioned by all that phoniness, he has turned to Big Brother, where he expects to find a bunch of authentic people "keeping it real".
[4.] Might want to scratch "ding dong ditch" off the ol' resume, Neil.
Parker graduated with a bachelor's degree in radio/television from Southern Illinois University, Carbondale and currently works as a photographer for TMZ. He served in the Air Force from 1999-2002 and received a general discharge. He admits that he couldn't conform to military standards.
Parker, who was raised by his single mom, wears his heart on his sleeve and will always say what he feels. He describes himself as inappropriate, unpredictable and authentic. He can be your best friend or worst enemy and claims to have the power of persuasion. The accomplishment he is most proud of in his life is losing 45 pounds through will power, diet and exercise. His hobbies include socializing, playing his Wii, laughing at other people's expense and doing anything besides working.
He has two pet lizards, Reggie and Simone, and three tattoos: a Zodiac Ram on his arm, a rooster above his ankle and a kanji tattoo he and some of his Air force buddies share that reads "Brothers, Together, Eternally."
Parker's favorite television shows include "Weeds" and "Desperate Housewives" and his favorite movie is "American Beauty."
[1.] He's on assignment in case Britney Spears breaks in to the BB house to get away from all the cameras on the outside.
[2.] For example, he talked a homeless woman into styling his hair for free.
[3.] He likes to go into hobby stores and ask, "Excuse me, where is your 'laughing at other people's expense' section?"
[4.] That's what the artist told them. It really says, "Can't conform to military standards."
[5.] Obvious ploy to suck up to star of "Weeds" and Joker's Updates regular, Tano.
Ryan currently lives in Columbus, Ohio. He's a student at Ohio State University, majoring in economics and business.
He's used to being the center of attention, the popular one in his group and loves it. He has a tendency to be loud, stubborn and opinionated and is sometimes a troublemaker. He admits that his behavior once got him suspended from a class in high school. He has never voted in his life, but is planning to do so this year.
When it comes to relationships, Ryan describes his ideal romantic partner as pretty, intelligent, motivated and aware of what she's doing in life. He sees himself as intelligent, easy-going and thinks he has a good sense of humor. He has one pet, an American Pit Bull terrier named Jada.
He played basketball in high school and really loves the sport. He is very competitive.
[1.] It'll be tricky explaining all those assignments and exams he missed while spending the Spring term in the BB house.
[2.] He tortured the turtles in the science classroom.
[3.] If only he'd started sooner, perhaps Sanjaya would have won.
[4.] ...while most other people tend to fixate on the loud, stubborn, opinionated troublemaker aspects of his personality.
Sharon is a military brat (her dad has served in the Marine Corps for 28 years) who easily adapts to any situation. She is spirited and lively, feisty and dramatic, but she also sees herself as being sweet. Sharon, who is currently single, has been in a 12-year on/off relationship with a guy who followed her home in the 8th grade. She describes herself as loud, dramatic and over the top. She has an associate's degree from Johnson County Community College in Overland Park, Kansas and is currently working as a realtor and restaurant hostess.
Sharon's favorite television shows are "Friends" and BIG BROTHER and her favorite movie is "The Break-Up." Magazines she reads include Vogue, InStyle and People. She has a belly button piercing and a tattoo of a design she made herself. Sharon has two pets, a cat, Willie, and an American Bulldog, Carolina. Her favorite activities include talking, tanning and drama. In addition, she is a Carolina Panthers fan.
[1.] She was 11 in the 8th grade?
[2.] Hostessing is her vocation, but the real estate stuff helps make ends meet.
[3.] It's a picture of another belly button with a piercing.
[4.] Scrapes from the same activity barrel as fellow tanning enthusiast, Jen.
Reseda, CA via Memphis, TN
Sheila is a former model who is now a stay-at-home mom to a 16-year-old boy, Mikhail. She studied acting for 15 years both in New York and Los Angeles. She and her son have a dog named Kitty.
Sheila lived the high life with Bob Guccione in his 35-million-dollar mansion for 10 years. In 1984, she was Penthouse Pet of the Year. She is now writing a book about her life.
Sheila claims that she has a temper and yells and cries when she's angry, then just wants to be left alone. She stands up to those who try to intimidate her and stands her ground even if she's scared on the inside. She recently broke up with her boyfriend.
She describes herself as vibrant, sexy and fun. Becoming a mom is the accomplishment that she is most proud of. Her married sister is her true hero. She's a great mother to her five kids and last year donated a kidney to one of them.
[1.] The only HG over 30, she's gotta be someone's mom in this house full of 'close to mom' people.
[2.] ...and a cat named Birdie and a bird named Pup.
[3.] No wonder she looks familiar.
[4.] Sheila claims to be a woman.
[5.] ...until she goes away so she can be left alone.
[6.] Cleverly ambiguous to make it look like Sheila is the super-mom who donated the kidney, not Sheila's sister.
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