Numfar shares his thoughts about the 13 Houseguests
It's said that you only get one chance to make a first impression, and if that's correct, the new litter of Hamsters are in for a world of live-feed viewer hurt. Only a couple have made out better than the pre-show speculation would have predicted. Even the recently revealed Ex-factor-5 are a motley crew of pouting, boring, preening, weasely morons.
Putting voices to the original 8 with the first live show was fun. And the X-factor proved more interesting than a who-can-sit-on-their-butt-longest-in-a-nest to win a new Chevy Subdivision SUV contest.
But the striking thing about this group is their homogeneity. With the exception of former G-Man Jack Mulder, this group could have been collected in a net at any mid-western frat party.
White-Folks-Gone-Mild would be a good name for this show. Sure Jun is Asian, but according to Jee -her ex- she doesn't want to be. Amanda is half African American, but has already been caught gay-bashing.
This group of 20-30 something corn-fed, beauty queen/fitness buff/meat headed people has all the diversity of McDonald's menu. Why are the BB casting agents so afraid of minorities and cultural diversity?
Anyway, that big beef out of the way, it's time for the Big Beaver to take a closer look at each hamster.
That's Alison-with-one-L. She cries. A lot. Often. For attention. She gay bashes. Think of her of the Lori of this group, but younger, and less concern about hand- washing. Yeah, bad news. But the BBGods are not totally without compassion - she has lost most of her voice. However, rather than shut her up, it has simply meant that we get a raspy-throated rendition of that country classic "Poor me, why does my life suck so much."
Alison professed deep pain when the Xfactor was revealed, claiming that the true love she had for her current boy friend back home. That was touching. It was deep. It lasted less than 48 hours. Alison was eagerly playing Truth or Dare with her ex - Justin - on night one of the live feeds, and openly labeled Justin "the sweetest guy I ever dated."
Bye-bye current boyfriend. Not that he probably didn't take the opportunity of her leaving for the summer to cut and run long before now, but then, given his choice of mates, he probably ain't so bright.
There's little known about this woman. She's Scott's Ex. She's part African American. She represents not at all. She's targeted to go home soon by one or more of the bigger alliances. She's mostly found on the sidelines of conversations. And we probably won't miss her.
Dana thinks she's in control. Dana is not in control. Dana does Karate. Dana is Miss Piggy. Dana also apparently never dated a fitness instructor, or she'd probably have an ex in the house too. Since Dana is a Karate instructor, however, all the men in the house will likely fear her, given her ability to break wood.
A self-appointed morality cop, Dana has earned the wrath of male viewers everywhere, acting as the in-house censor of rambunctious, sexual interaction. D2D
One of the few HGs who we may like more than in the pre-show hype. But this ex-Ranger didn't have anywhere to go but up, given the moronic meat-headed performance he gave in the commercial spots. A goofball who thinks he's deep but doesn't' think too deep, David seems to be playing the good guy right now.
If that pre-show macho b*llsh*t wasn't all an act, however, look for this guy to get all rooster-fighting with at least one of the other guys in the house before the summer is over. First impressions have him being none-too-bright either. Further confirmation of this is what we can glean from his choice of women - MichelleBot is his ex, and she has all the cranium power of rhubarb. More on MichelleBot in a few minutes.
Erika, Erika, Erika. Bendy, beautiful, Pilates instructor-of-the-rock-hard-abs Erika. Erika has come off well in the early moments. Seemingly more intelligent than most of her Habitrail mates, she sometimes seems bored out of her head, listening to the babble speak.
The strike against Erika so far is her goofy looking pink hat, and the fact that she once dated uber-weasel Robert. Yeah, she eventually ditched him and got him fired, but still....
Anyway, Erika does quite a good impression of BB3's Lisa, and with looks, maturity and some grey-matter on her side, might just be able to duplicate her doppelganger's success.
Let's Do The Time Warp, Yeah! Obviously Jack doesn't belong in this house. First, he's a quarter century older than the next oldest Hamster. Next, having worked for the FBI, he's clearly got at least a triple digit IQ, putting him no less than 50 points above almost everyone else.
Jack is someone we want to cheer for, and he hasn't really let us down yet. There's not really been any hugely intriguing conversations yet, but then that might be explained by the fact that Jack hasn't yet been driven crazy enough by the other HGs to resort to talking to himself.
Like other oldsters on BB, Jack is pretty much a lock to make the midway point. If he doesn't try to contact aliens with his aluminum foil hat (Chicken George) or get into a rooster-fight with one of the young studs (Kent) he might go even further.
Reports of Jee's eviction are, apparently false. Spotted less frequently than the mysterious HG in the red cap from last year, all we really know about Jee is that he's Jun's ex, one-half of the token-minority coupling for this season, and apparently somewhat traditional-Korean when it comes to marriage and family values. Oh, and he has an encyclopedic knowledge of au currant porn stars. I don't think Jee gets out much. Or gets much.
Jun will tell you how sexy and hot she is. Just give her about 10 minutes of live-feed time. A sassy, self-absorbed wanna-be glam girl New York socialite, there is very little to like about Jun.
What is it about the Big Brother franchise and crazy men named Justin!? First a knife-wielding, snaggle-toothed maniac, and now someone who dons a grass skirt, carries a skull-adorned quarterstaff, captures unwary houseguests only to boil them in a pot and eat them!?? What was Arnold thinking putting a Headhunter in the house?? Egad, I know ratings are soft, but this is just sick!
And worse than all that, this crazed maniac is clearly a masochist, having once voluntarily dated Alison. Other house guests would be advised to sleep with one eye open. Oogida-boogida.
Michelle is the vile, pouty, potentially alcoholic princess of the BB house. Her favorite word, is "Like". When brains were being handed out, she undoubtedly was preening at a mirror somewhere else.
To make matters worse, this Carmen Rasmussen double might be able to sing as well, but she hasn't got a tenth of the personality and vibrancy of the American Idol warbler. Almost robotic in her dullness, MichelleBot is, like, almost, like, impossible to care about (never mind, like, listen to).
Clearly Michelle is a spoiled kid used to getting all the attention in every room she is in. She'll do whatever she has to do to keep it. She'll talk continuously about herself for hours, she'll show skin, she'll flirt, she just wants to be the cool kid. If she's not getting the attention, she'll sit back and pout, feeling sorry for her beautiful self. But watch how she talks to Jee. If she thinks another HG is not on her level, she'll treat it like a privileged to talk to her.
She'll hit on almost every man in the house before she gets evicted, or until one of them 'bites.' But we already know the truth - Michelle ain't pretty, she just looks that way.
Corn-fed all American blond boy Nathan looks like he's just stepped out of the Blue Lagoon. Without an ex in the house to worry him, Nathan appears to be a fairly decent guy, and is clearly the most eligible of the HG bachelors. He won the first HOH, and has attracted the attention of Michelle. Nathan lost a lot of points for returning that interest on the bball court on the first night of the feeds. Wake up man!
Rumors have a very badly ended relationship in Nat's past, so don't rule out an ex showing up at some point in the future. Expect the unXpected.
The most pressing early question of the BB season is how the heck did weasel boy Robert ever hook up with Erika? We'll probably find out the answer soon enough, but this runt-of-the-litter Hamster has done nothing to endear himself to the viewing audience. Robert has transcended the Xfactor, and is now in the Yfactor. Y for Yuck.
Yo. Word. F*ck. Balding and in denial about it. Dated Homophobic Amanda. That's the Scott nutshell. A lot of viewers wanted to like this guy, despite the doofy hat, but he lost the goodwill right quick with his foul mouth, lack of substance and porn talk.
So, on first impression, it seems like we've got a bickering group of ultra-bland, but well muscled and flat-abed, self-absorbed ex's for this installment of Big Brother. All the interest will come from gossiping, sniping and back stabbing, and maybe a little-past history.
Unfortunately, there seems to be very little depth to this pool of people. Casting gave us too much of the same, and not enough of 'real' for this reality TV to be interesting on more than one level. But boy-o-boy, will this group give viewers a lot to bash.
Tune in next time to see if Jack goes crazy, Erika passes out from boredom, Jun humps the rubber duck or MichelleBot beds a boy... what a summer we'll have