Ever heard the expression “got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning?” I think that Jun’s bed is composed of four “wrong sides.” Every single morning this woman gets up to complain, bitch and moan. Every single morning she putters about in the kitchen like a crotchety old woman who has been taking care of careless children for decades upon decades. And yet it is? Day 13 of the Feeds, which means poor, over-worked and under-appreciated Jun has been at this point in the house a grand total two weeks and one day. On this morning her profaneness and querulous whines and snivels are quick in coming and not only is the house disgusting to her, but so are the other HGs. “I don’t really care if I have a ***** target on my back…I am not a ***** den mother…They are the last ones up every ***** day...Leaving dishes in the sink every ***** day…Now get the ***** UP!” It’s a bona fide tirade, all right. While Dana and Robert laugh and look on, Jun stomps around the kitchen and cleans up, interjecting every now and then more complaints directed at the sleeping HGs (many who aren’t really sleeping, but awake and listening to her freak out). Apparently their “***** parents” didn’t raise them “right” because they don’t hop directly out of bed when Jun does; she is also pissed about the PB&J and says that she will throw it all in the middle of the living room so they can fix it there and not mess up her kitchen.

Ahh. The trials and tribulations of a self-created BB den mother—because whether you think you are or not, Jun, that is exactly what you have created yourself into in the Hamster House.

Robert dons some rubber gloves somewhere during Jun’s rant and begins to help her with the dishes. I’m aghast in amazement—a man is actually helping with the housework when it is not specifically delegated to him as a chore! Incredible not only in and of itself, but incredible that it is the Ratbert himself. (And if you think I am kidding about the shocking imbalance of male versus female participation in performing household duties, you haven’t been watching the feeds. As one case in example, Robert points out this morning that Alison does all of Nathan’s laundry.)

Of course, huddled up in their beds, the men are singing a different tune. Nathan swears that he only uses one glass and one knife all day; Justin insists that he always tries to do “some” dishes every day. To these assertions, reported dutifully by Dana, Jun fumes something along the lines of, “***** eh, bitch! You can get blond Raggedy Ann’s ass out here to say it to my face!”

Eventually the offending HGs hesitantly make their ways out into the kitchen. When Nathan overhears the word “blond,” he asks Jun if she is talking about him. She asks, “Are you blond?” And when he says yes, she replies, “Then I’m talking to you, bitch!” Nathan then heads outside where both he and Robert agree that they do their own dishes. It must be the impish pixies that take over the house at night when they are sleeping. Uh-huh. In true male style, Nathan blames Jun’s rampage on “friggin’ PMS-ing.”

Subsequent morning chitchat:

Jack (re: 9/11): “It's every cop's dream to be on a plane with a loaded 9mm when it’s being hijacked. Just cock it and kill every one of them. You could have done it that day, too, because they were really sloppy letting people congregate and talk amongst themselves.”

Dana, Jun and Robert: It takes a salary of 100K at least to be able to live in Manhattan. Dana: “I was halfway there in my early twenties, and it was nothing.”

David: He is unsure whether or not to use the veto, though he is leaning towards not using it. He is also torn between wanting either Erika or Michelle to stay; he whacks the bed with Amanda’s hat in frustration as he muses on these points. He eventually tells Nathan he won’t use the veto, and they both agree that Erika would be more instrumental in helping rid of the Stooges than Michelle would be.

Jee: Though the entire house wants Dana out, he wants to stick to the plan and get rid of Erika, who is a larger threat at the moment.

We listen to these varying topics of conversation as we wait for FOTH, knowing that the veto meeting is imminent, but much to our agreeable surprise, the meeting isn’t fothed! Everyone gathers into the living room as David stands before them and begins to mumble about his little speech. He awkwardly laughs and stumbles over his words, and it is either endearing or annoying to watch (you pick). Erika and Michelle are given an opportunity to speak for themselves, but their opportunities are wasted when they both meekly state that they trust his decision no matter what it is. The big moment comes and while we sit at home and scoff and know what a wuss he is going to be, all of us listening get a momentary spike in our heart rates when David utters, “I choose to use the veto on…” On Erika! On Erika! On Erika, my brain is screaming at him. What a letdown it is to hear, then, the word “nobody.” That’s right, folks, “I choose to use the veto on nobody.”

Wuss. If Erika was off, maybe Nathan would be up, but if they are so secure in their majority of votes it shouldn’t matter, should it? Now there is the possibility that someone will further wuss out and Erika will be a goner. Bah.

Following the meeting, there is much relieved talk about how David had scared everyone with his little verbal trick. Jee looks a little shaken up, which must have been David’s objective, but he only remarks that BB asked him to make it dramatic. He then jokes to Erika, “You’re not going to kill my family now, are you?” (Remember all the times Robert has said this.) Erika replies with a smirk, “Only your dog.”

The afternoon chugs into full BB-gear now as the HGs do what they do best and lounge about dissing each other and talking about mundane things. Of note:

Alison: She says that BB asked her what she thinks changed Dana from the “cool and fun” person she was at first; Alison apparently replied that they let her out of her straight-jacket, which was a big no-no (who wants to bet that that remark makes the TV show pretty soon?).

Alison, Dave and Erika: Alison will not be surprised if she gets out and finds that Jun had an alliance with Jee all along. They say she is just as bad as Dana, only quieter, and if she betrays them, Alison says she will be “gunning for her.” Alison then asserts that she doesn’t want to “go,” and the others assure her it will all work out (shouldn’t Erika be the one worrying?). They talk about perhaps acting surprised on Wednesday when Michelle is evicted and agree that all in all the entire stunt (of duping the Stooges like that) will make great TV. They also joke about how stupid Dana is to believe that she is in 100% with the Stooges.

Robert: “It’s such a waste of my life to hear these people fight over something so stupid. These are kids’ games.” Right-o you are, Robbie. So why don’t you make a voluntary exit? *Fingers crossed.* Robert is having this conversation with Jack, and as asinine as it seems to be listening to Robert say these things, they seem to be bonding over missing their families and outside lives (okay, okay, not fair—Robert probably does miss his daughter; it must be hard to be separated from a child so young).

More Robert: “I mean, does Michelle really think she can come in here and with 500K? I don’t understand it. That’s ***** nuts! She can’t seriously think she had any chance at winning it.” He furthers complains that when she gets nominated “for real,” she is going to go “nuts.” Then, not satisfied with attacking Michelle alone, he remarks, “I don’t deal well with these immature people. My daughter is seven and she is more mature than 90% of the people in this house. I am not bull-shitting you!”

David, Jack, Nathan and Robert: All but Nathan agree that Danielle was the best BB3 player and that Lisa didn’t deserve to win. Nathan, on the other hand, thinks that Roddy was the best player. Go Nathan! You finally said something I agree with. Unfortunately, however, he falls right back down to my rather low opinion of him when he offers up his opinions on homosexuality: “I am big on moral values, and I don’t think God would make you born gay. I think it’s a choice people make.”

Erika (re: Robert): “I just want to let you know that I was a really good girlfriend. I got him jobs and supported him and stuff, and I didn't get much thanks from him for it.” Justin tells her, “I know. I am a pretty good judge of character, and I can see you’re a good person.” Hmm. He said, she said. Robert seems rather vile, in my opinion, but as for what went on between Erika and Robert, a little birdie who knows both of them told me that Erika is not as innocent as she professes to be. In fact, there is argument that Robert’s serious hate-on for Erika has basis in fact. And that is all I am going to say on that subject for now!

Alison and Dana: The two confront each other over supposed hurt feelings between the two. Alison tells Dana that she doesn’t hate her because of her closeness to Justin (“you can have babies, whatever”), they bash Nathan, and they discuss supposed rumors of alliances (in particular, Alison says that she overheard Dana and the Stooges were targeting her and Nathan; Dana denies it). They basically gossip and lie and sharpen their knives in readiness to plunge into a turned back. They do, however, alight upon one issue that is of realistic importance to both of them: the guys are banding together and the women are getting shafted (one evicted, two of them now up for eviction at once). Yet I doubt that either of them can get their heads out of Nathan or Jee’s asses right now to actually do anything about it (sorry for the visual, but c’mon! BB needs to stop infesting the house with such dimwitted, moronic women!).

Jee (various phrases that make us wonder [paraphrased]): “I like girls with firm breasts who can flex them. It’s a big turn on.” And when Jun tells him to go outside, “What, do you think I am a ***** dog or something? I need to go outside for a walk?”

Dinner rolls around and I wish by now something exciting enough were happening that I could actually form into paragraphs, but the point format seems to work best for chatter (PM me if you disagree; I’d like to know what works better). So, to continue:

Alison and Dana: Alison remarks that the original-8’s plan was to vote out the exes; with one ex up, doesn’t that mean they should vote against Michelle? (Smart, Alison. Now I know why you are featured like a ditzy, witless blonde in a bikini on some “hottest coed” site—because you are a ditzy, witless blonde.) Dana replies that she is only waiting for someone to tell her what to do. She then contradicts herself, however, when she states that “everyone knows the original alliance is bull-*****.” Alison lies and agrees and says how she doesn’t want Michelle to go. After their confab, what do you think happens? Surprise, surprise, Alison goes back to report to Erika, while Dana reports to Robert. Oooh, devious manipulations are at play in the BB Hamster House. Not exactly a newsflash, is it?

The Stooges and Dana: They wonder if someone actually told Alison that she and Nathan are targets or if she was bluffing. Their conclusions are contradictory: no one could have told her, and yet she is too stupid to bluff. They then talk about that favorite topic of all BB years much to our listening horror: body hair. Dana normally waxes “down there,” but while in the house she shaves and currently has a “landing strip.” We later find out that so too do Alison and Jun, while Michelle shaves completely. These, my dear readers, are facts I could have gladly lived without knowing.

Alison: Her saddest day might have been when she found out Milli Vanilli were lip-syncing.

Justin: He tells Nathan that he will stick to his word and nominate Dana if he wins HOH this week. Jee later repeats the same thing to Robert: they are all safe for another week as long as they all agree Dana is target Numero Uno.

A bit after ten o’clock in the evening, the HGs decide to play a game outside on the chessboard. They set up some chairs in a round circle facing inwards and the game goes as follows: Someone stands in the middle, asks a question and whomever it applies to must get up and quickly change seats with someone else. The person who asks the question then darts for an open chair as fast as they can and whoever is left without a chair must stand in the middle and ask the next question. I played this as a teen; when someone tallied up three turns in middle, they’d have to sing in front of the group. The HGs, instead, decide to spin a person (who has only lost once) around ten times and make them gesture like an elephant; when this proves too nauseating, they make the person take off a piece of clothing or answer a Truth or Dare question.

Some game questions (!!Warning, adult content!!):

Jun: Has anyone lost their virginity before turning 20? Only Michelle does not move.

Robert: Has anyone masturbated in the house? No one moves.

Robert: Has anyone thought of hooking up with someone in the house? Everyone moves.

Jun: Has anyone taken a ***** today (pooped)? When no one moves, she says, “No one took a ***** today? You ***** liars.”

Other notable tidbits from the game:

Jack, when he loses and is asked a Truth, admits he has wanted to sleep with one of his daughter’s friends (thank goodness his daughter is 26). He later also admits he has been with about two dozen women in his life, that some of the best sex he has had was in a moving automobile, and that he has slept with married women while single.

Michelle loses a round where Erika asks if anyone has gotten a pearl necklace; apparently Michelle took this literally, though it means something else (I would have been as naïve as her; if anyone knows what “pearl necklace” refers to, please PM me and let me know. I am assuming it has to do with, uh, facials). When asked a Truth question, has she ever “swallowed,” Michelle gestures in the affirmative.

Erika loses a round in which someone asked if anyone has kissed someone’s “bunghole.” She then answers a Truth question that her favorite position is woman- on-top.

David lies and tells the group he and Amanda only kissed. He also admits to having sex with a previous girlfriend’s best friend (while they were going out), having had sex with more than one person in one day, having videotaped himself and a partner together, having masturbated in a public place, and a whole host of other things that you can check out in the original post in Updates.

A bit before midnight, the game breaks up. The most interesting occurrence after the game is Nathan, the fool, telling Dana about their plan to evict Michelle instead of Erika (what is it with the blonds in the house? Are they trying their best to live up to every stereotype they know about them?). Admittedly, Nathan is not spilling ALL the beans, only part of them—he’s sort of feeling her out about voting out Michelle, but not coming clean exactly that this is precisely what he, Alison, Dave and Jack plan to do (oh, and hopefully Jun, too!). It doesn’t take Dana too long before she approaches the Stooges with the information (or part of it, depending on how much she actually got from Nathan), but thankfully they mostly laugh it off as paranoia. They’re as positive as positive can be that Erika will be unanimously voted out. Jee, in any case, is unable to believe that such treason could occur. Everyone is simply too scared of him now, he believes. Jee and Robert then take some alone time later to bash the women once again and discuss how they hate having to “flirt” and pretend, as they did in the chair game, that they’ve wanted to hook up with anyone in the house. Jee then remarks how they should come up with an alliance name for the three of them, and Ratbert (hehehe) drolly states that “they” (that’s us internet geeks) have probably already given them names and not nice ones at that. Hmm, you think? C’mon folks, we’re going to have to come up with something better than the Stooges to make him right! Jee also mentions that the unanimous vote against Amanda must mean everyone really likes him. Um-hmm.

Meanwhile, there are some massages going on in one of the bedrooms involving some scantily clad women: Jun and Michelle lie in their underwear while Dave and Nathan administer massages. While Jun undoes her own bra to allow Dave easier access, Nathan has to fumble with Michelle’s on his own—and fumble he does. After the women are satisfied, they redress and the night tumbles into the general quiet chitchat it normally does as HGs get ready for bed. Some things to take note of as everyone winds down: Robert attempts to make a deal with his fellow Stooges to share in the prize money should one of them win; Justin reminds him there are rules against that. Dana admits that Justin was tickling and rubbing her tummy under the covers when they were lying in bed earlier; she rubbed his tummy in return for a few seconds, but it wasn’t what he “deserved,” she says. Soon they all tumble off to their beds, Dana and Justin separate despite joking otherwise, and Jee alone to his HOH.

For today’s summary, I am going to end on a quote by Phantom: “Sleep well, Stooges, in your blissful ignorance. You will lose your innocence soon enough. Jee lies on his stomach to listen to his CD, and all remains quiet.”