Even though BB7 is months away, Scart gives (makes up, actually) the inside scoop on next season's revolutionary new twist!
Warning: none of what follows is true, but it may or may not have some truthiness to it.
While most reality TV fans are settling for American Idol, Shedding Pounds With the D-Listers, and Toe Pick With The Stars, the producers of everybody's favorite - Big Brother - have been hard at work prepping for next summer's edition. Not counting BB1 and BB3, Big Brother has a reputation for excellence and interesting twists that viewers have come to expect, and producers know that. Just look how they spiced things up in seasons past by throwing in fascinating and unpredictable new elements like Power of Veto! And Golden Power of Veto! Such twists keep dozens of paying customers glued to the feeds, and hundreds more glued to the regular broadcasts, all in complete suspense about what could possibly happen next. I couldn't wait, so I recently sat down with Arnold Shapiro to ask the question on everyone's mind: In Big Brother 7, what will happen next?
Me: What will happen next?
Arnold Shapiro: I thought I'd sit with you and answer a few questions...maybe offer you a cup of coffee while you're here.
Me: Allow me to clarify. Mr. Shapiro, what will happen next in Big Brother 7? Also, I'll take a grande mocha frappucino, please.
AS: We couldn't be more excited about next summer's Big Brother. We're sure viewers will agree. We've added five new cameras, seven microphones - including the new BubbleMic in the hot tub - one undisclosed NSA wire-tap, and an extensive Habitrail.
Me: Habitrail? You mean instead of chickens or fish, you're going to have a hamster cam this summer?
AS: Don't be silly - hamsters are filthy rodents and require more care than our busy houseguests would have time to give, on acccount of how busy they'll be keeping up with our fascinating and unpredictable twists. The Habitrail is for the houseguests themselves. Pretty much the entire house will be one big Habitrail. We think it will be interesting to see how several adults will adjust to living in a complex series of interconnected tubes, with only one exercise wheel for the whole house to share.
Me: Wow, that sounds like quite a twist!
AS: No, that's not a twist, that's just an update to the design of the house to keep it contemporary, like we always do. You know how the BB house always has a distinctive, trend-setting look to it - well, we think Habitrails are the next big thing in hip interior design, so we're just getting there first. Which reminds me, I'd like to thank our very generous sponsor IKEA for their excellent suggestion and for helping to make the Habitrail dream a reality. Don't worry, though, if you want twists, we're cooking up some good ones.
Me: Ooh! Like what?
AS: Remember Head of Household?
Me: Remember it? I love it! All the power trips, all the intrigue, all the backbiting, all the secret scheming...
AS: Gone. No more Head of Household. We thought--
Me: Sorry to interrupt, but that sounds like a very disappointing twist.
AS: That's because you don't understand it yet. We had our reasons. We received many complaints that Head of Household was too polarizing, and leading to many hard feelings between houseguests. Those hard feelings often spread even to other rooms, like the kitchen, excercise room, or backyard, which technically isn't a room, but even there, it spread. My personal assistant (who I couldn't live without, by the way) is very Internet savvy, and he even told me about a blog he read that said some people run chat rooms they call "bulletin boards", where complete strangers have arguments over what's going on in the Head of Household. Obviously, BBs Head of Household has had a powerful and divisive effect on houseguests and non-houseguests alike. For the good of our houseguests and fans, it felt like the healthiest thing for all concerned was to get rid of it.
Me: Still, that doesn't seem like much of a twist - taking away a part of BB that most fans found very interesting.
AS: But that's not the whole twist. You see, we're introducing something better in its place - HOH!
Me: But you just said...
AS: Gotcha! Head of Household is history, but in it's place is something completely different and sure to revolutionize the way houseguests play the game: Head of Habitrail. We just know fans will lov-- excuse me, I can't help but notice you still look a little disappointed?
Me: I'm all right. It's just that my mocha frap has too much whipped cream, and I got tall instead of grande.
AS: That personal assistant never was good at anything. Consider him fired. Where was I...Head of Habitrail. Once a week, one houseguest will be entitled to use the human-sized exercise sphere in the backyard, and it's up to them whether to use that sphere for some private time away from the other houseguests, or to let them share it or even invite them in at the same time to exercise or relax together.
Me: How will we see and hear houseguests if they're in the sphere?
AS: First off, the sphere is transparent. That's not only so we can see them, but because we know people would hurt themselves if they just went rolling around willy nilly bumping into things. As for hearing them, don't forget about those new microphones. Not all of them went on the hot tub.
Me: So, you're replacing the old HOH with a new HOH?
AS: Yes, but it's completely different, as anyone who takes a close look at that second "H" can see for themselves. I mean, really, it's a whole different word. "House". "Habitrail". They don't even rhyme.
Me: How do you think the new HOH will affect the game?
AS: Well that will be the interesting part, won't it? Not much of a twist if you can predict what's going to happen. Even though no one will know for sure until we see it in action, we have a few hunches. Personally, I think it will stop the spread of hard feelings that leaked from the Head of Household to not only other rooms, but out into the world, and allow for a more contained, limited kind of hard feelings that only give viewers the kind of drama they enjoy watching, but not being a direct participant in. In fact, we almost called our new twist the "Completely Transparent But Not So Involving Sphere Of Drama" but CTBNSISOD didn't roll off the tongue like HOH, and nobody but that worthless assitant I just fired was able to type it fast without making mistakes all the time. Call it a nod to our Internet Fans. Anything for the 'Net fans. LOL.
Me: Well, there were skeptics who though Power of Veto would be a flop, but you showed them, so I'm sure fans will come to love and hate HOH just like they used to love and hate HOH. What about Chenbot 7.0? Any surprises there?
AS: Several. I don't want to name names, but let's just say a certain reality tv show host (hint: it's not Anderson Coooper) has caught on to the fact that viewers like to see celebrities shed those extra pounds, so she has been working out and expects this to be the year she finally stops looking fat and won't have to stand half-sideways to hide it. Just a few more pounds, and she'll have that gap between her legs almost as wide as she wants it.
Me: [choking on my frap:] That gap?
AS: You know, the Chengap. When she stands with her feet together, there's that empty space you can see right through her thighs to the other side of the set. She's always thought that the less set you can see through her legs, the more fat she must be, so this year she's increasing the gap.
Me: Whew. I though you meant another kind of gap. I mean, it's a little weird, but still a relief.
AS: What else could I possibly--? Oh, I see. Well, if you can't keep your mind out of the gutter, then this interview is over. You can settle up the tab for your frappucino at the Starbucks in the lobby. Good day, sir.
Me: But I thought the coffee was your--
AS: I said, good day!
So there you have it, straight from the AS's mouth. Next time you're feeling down about having to watch the current crop of crap that passes for reality television, take solace in the knowledge that summer and and a new round of twists are on their way. Big Brother 7 - this time it'll be different.