Hell's Kitchen

Episode 1

Apparently Satan wears an apron... and is alive and well and working in Los Angeles in the form of an angry little Scottish man who quite obviously needs to seriously consider switching to decaf. This man is wound so tight that you could bounce quarters off the back of his neck and he wouldn't even notice.

We're told in the opening moments that Chef Ramsay is the King of all chef's but a man of the people. He has been England's best chef for nine years running.

Cut to Los Angeles and we get to see the 12 hopefuls. If they win this competition, they get to own their own restaurant. There are 72 cameras which will be there to catch their every mistake. We're told the restaurant is located in the heart of Hollywood. Good thing since it seems Chef Ramsatan left his heart in England.

As the contestants mingle about meeting each other and sipping champagne, we get our first glimpse of Dewberry as he stumbles down the stairs. Oh boy, you can just tell this is NOT going to be pretty.

Andrew admits he has always hoped to own his own restaurant, well either that or be a senator, so if this contest doesn't work out, there's always politics. Apparently he's attend the GW school of politics.

Jean Phillipe introduces the contests now known as the CW's (chef wannabees) to the professional sous chefs who will be Chef Ramsatan's seconds in command. The sous chefs are Scott and Mary Ann.

The CW's are told Chef Ramsatan will be arriving in 45 minutes and they must prepare a signature dish for him to taste. They panic and all run to the kitchen and start tossing utensils in the air.

They each manage to place a plate on the tasting table as Chef Ramsatan arrives. As Ramsatan taste each dish, the CW who prepared it steps forward to be humiliated for their feeble attempt at culinary arts.

The only ones to not be roasted alive over an open fire are Elsie who manages to make a dish which whilst not visually appealing tastes "not bad" and Carolann who makes chicken parmesan which Ramsatan actually likes. He is surprised to learn she has no cooking experience.

The CW's are then placed on two teams

Red team is Jimmy, Elsie, Blueberry (renamed by Ramsatan), Chris, Jeff and Carolann.

Blue team is Senator Andrew, Mary Ellen, Jessica, Wendy, Ralph and Michael. Just a side note on Michael, he has the letters R E A L C H E F tattooed across his fingers, apparently to remind himself of the job he wants.

The CW's are given minutes to check out the dorm they will live in, just off the kitchens and then it is back to work because the restaurant will be opening that night and they are expected to prepare the meals. Gasp! You mean they actually have to work? OMG!

Another side note here, Chef Ramsatan is apparently unfamiliar with American Censors who tend to beep out all the foul language, so quite a bit of what he says is not heard.

Jeff from the Red team and Ralph from the Blue team are told they are to be waiters for the evening. They are not at all pleased about this since they never imagined that someone owning a restaurant might have to chip in and wait a few tables.

I will save you the details of what happens for the next several minutes of the show, just imagine a montage of every goofy kitchen slap stick comedy routine you have ever seen, now imagine it's our CW's doing it in their little red marked or blue marked jackets.

Ramsatan is just in rare form, throwing plates into the trash, pushing them back into the chest of the CW's presenting them. The customers waiting for food are left just waiting, no food. There is one table of blondes that sends two of their four to talk to the chef and see about their food, the ladies are cursed at by Ramsatan and told to go away.

Ramsatan assures us his whips and candle wax routine brings out the best in people and even though he gets upset, it's not personal at all. Riiiiiight.

Carolann stands by watching as her team is going down in flames, Blueberry is acting far too much like a muffin for Ramsatan's taste and Jimmy has burned himself on lamb fat. It just isn't good at all.

The second two blondes decide to approach the chef and find out what happened to their food. They inform him he hurt their friend's feeling when he told her to "fuck off" and he responds by telling Jean to take the ladies back to plastic surgery. Now this guy knows how to win friends and influence people.

It's at this point that Ramsatan just throws his hands up in frustration and closes the kitchen. He makes Jean handle the dirty work of telling all the customers they have to leave now and go get a burger at the place down the street. Jean is very dutiful and calmly handles all the customers.

Ramsatan decides both teams suck so badly that he has to use the customer comment cards to help him choose the losing team. The customers didn't like Jeff, but they did like the one dessert that made it out of the kitchen. They did like Ralph but they did not like the four desserts the blue team served up.

The losing team is the Red team. The Blue team did not win, they just didn't lose. Ramsatan tells Elsie that she was the least bad of those on her team, so she gets to pick two members of her team to possibly be sent home. Elsie gets a few minutes to think it over. Carolann makes a point of repeatedly telling Elsie how much she kicked ass.

Elsie and Blueberry have a nice chat which Elsie cuts short as she assures Blueberry that he is not going anywhere. Cut to the main dining room where the Blue team gets to watch as Elsie makes her choices. Elsie chooses Carolann and Blueberry.... what?

Ramsatan asks them each why they should stay and they mumble out some feeble excuses. Ramsatan announces that Carolann is to leave, Hell's Kitchen does not need her. She turns in her little jacket which Ramsatan skewers on a hook representing the dashing of her hopes.

The exit statement is given out by the dumpster in the back, rather symbolic I think. Next week apparently Ramsatan decides to make the kitchen more like home by shutting off the Air Conditioning. I can hardly wait.