Want to hear something funny? I never did watch last season's finale. Never did: knew I couldn't handle it. Life itself is bad enough: why watch something sure to make you miserable? Hey, I did read the posts in our Grey's forum: not a single dry eye. Not a one. Nope, not for me. I wasn't ever going to know any specifics about that plane crash.

That is one reason I am loathing tonight's ep: absolutely detesting the damn thing. What has Shonda created to delight us tonight? One crash flashback after the next. And when we're not seeing all of our favorite docs drugged to the eyeballs on stretchers in a cargo plane, Cristina is telling us about it in excruciating, god-awful detail. Right down to where she was reduced to drinking plane fuel, or was it her own piss?

I could have watched that fucking finale and seen far, far less of the crash minutia there: of that there is no doubt.

Somehow I don't think I was the only one who skipped that finale: Shonda damn well knew that, too. Think she doesn't have a team of folks who read boards like ours? Think again. I may be getting paranoid in my old age, but it feels as if she was not only aware that many bypassed that show but determined that those who did so would actually learn far more about that misery on tonight's show. Mind you, this was the second show of the season: some of us went so far as to avoid the first one in case, you guessed it, it started right where the previous one left off! My rising paranoia is indicating that Shonda, if ever she gets tired of surgery, could open her own 1-900-PSYCHIC line as she predicted =that= as well and deliberately lightened most of the horror on that first show, to sucker us into watching tonight's.

It worked. Dammit. Even worse, I'm only partway through it and Mark is alive and well! That leaves me believing that on top of the damn flashbacks and Cristina's tale, something really BAD is going to happen to Mark tonight. All this misery, surely we'll be rewarded with something good, something heart-warming.

And sure enough! Mark is doing really well. He's even flirting. Hell, he can't be about to croak when he's coming on to someone, right? Of course that is when we learn about "the surge." Evidently right before someone gives up on life, they get a burst of energy and happiness before giving information to properly end their lives. I suspect that might be happening when he tells Jackson that if he loves a woman, no matter what, tell her.

Hey, Arizona is looking better! This has to be a good thing. She's not going to lose that leg: Callie even promises her, right before she trots off to fix Derek's 'million-dollar hand' (of course he's as screwed up as everyone else except Meredith who is as nauseatingly chirpy as ever.) Alex enters Arizona's room and we quickly realize that all isn't roses and sunlight for her: she hates Alex's ass. HE should have been on the plane, he doesn't have a wife or a baby. How dare this happen to her and not a shmuck like him? He slinks out of her room.

Later he returns, whilst Callie is performing that miracle hand surgery that, of course, only she can do. I'm beginning to get a bad feeling but no, things are going better now! Yes, they are. Bad stuff behind us now. What else could possibly go wrong?

Only a slight problem occurs next: nothing earth-shaking. Alex is telling Arizona he's out of the hospital for good: this is goodbye. And damned if it isn't as her eyes roll back into her head; Alex flees to where Callie is still performing the Miracle Surgery. Callie snaps this and that at him: has he done it all? He has, he tells her. Arizona is crashing: she's dying. Yes, it's the leg.

"Cut it off!" Callie whips out and returns to that hand.

Dandy. Now Arizona is going to be a peg-leg and 'lose herself' because of it, as Callie openly feared. But wait: all is not lost! Mark is still awake as far as we know; super-good thing when I could swear someone pulled his plug last week. Perhaps I imagined all that? I'm known for my lousy memory: maybe I forgot the part where Mark's eggplant status was only in Derek's feverish dreams whilst he worried about that hand! Of course that was it. Paranoid and major short term memory loss: I'll look up those symptoms later.

Uh-oh: only one symptom, it seems, the paranoia. The scene I'm watching now is the Chief reading Mark's DNR papers to him. Wait: not all bad! If his heart stops, resuscitate him. That sounds positive to moi, but... what else is that I'm hearing? Another of the dreadful songs Grey's so often finds. This one is particularly chipper and bright, perfect for such a moment. "When you've said your last goodbye" is droning mournfully as the Chief reads "life support shall be withdrawn if signs of recovery aren't seen in how long?" Mark mumbles "30 days" and signs it as the song moans on.

Suddenly the shit hits the fan as several situations explode at once! Something good =has= to happen now, right? We're at the end after all. Jackson shows up with the baby wreathed in smiles: JUST as Mark codes and forty loud alarms go off. He gets rid of the now-wailing kid as the next scene flashes by: Jackson is now running a scalpel across Arizona's leg. Somehow I don't think he's giving her a really tight shave.

And then, finally, in the last 20 seconds of this drab, dismal, miserable piece of shit of an episode, Cristina calls and tells Meredith "You were my person. You will always be my person."

THAT is supposed to give me a grin after the entire hour that preceded it? I don't think so. Can't even muster up one of those crinkly smiles a baby does when it's really farting and people are cooing "isn't she darling when she smiles like that!"

In fact, I'm so weak with misery and despair that I couldn't lift a feather or even one of those fine, almost-invisible cat hairs that come from their undercoat. The ones that always float directly into one of your eyes, where it does become invisible because it's now wet.

There is, however, one thing I can lift and I want all of you to imagine me doing it right this second: my middle finger, straight at the TV set.