Previously on America’s Next Top Model: Fourteen short finalists were chosen and Tyra acted a fool. After the “Ty-overs,” the girls copied their baby photos and Lisa, who was brought into the house only after crazy religious Amber quit, was turned right back out, but not before Tyra reminded her that she never really made the cut, anyway.

We open tonight with Tyra Mail.“Your career will be short if you don’t measure up.” HAHA! omgtyrayouresofunny! I so hope that she keeps up all if these hilarious short puns all season! That would be so fun.

The minis load up into the limo and they get taken to Wilhelmina Models. Hot piece of ass Nigel comes in and lets the minis know that the PRESIDENT of Wilhelmina, Sean Patterson, has flown all the way from New York to meet them! I’m always fascinated by how unmodely model agents usually are. You’d think the profession would be populated with ex-models, the same way sportcasters are generally ex-players. Sean Patterson looks like the bastard son of Fred Armisen and Rosario from Will and Grace, so I’m not sure I’d take his word about what looks good, but I digress.

Sean is there to interview all the models and Lulu is up first. Rosario Armisen says “where are you from honey,” which means I hate him from here on out. I get that you got a face only a mother could love, Rosie, but there is no need to be condescending. He asks the kid who her favorite photographer is, as if that has ANYTHING to do with modeling. It doesn’t, and we all know it. Models are hired to look pretty, and that’s it. All the go-sees we’ve seen these dips go to and NOT ONE has asked them who their favorite photographer is. So get that look of disapproval off your gorgeous face, Nigel.

Broken Foot Courtney intends to use her gimpy leg to her advantage. Interesting strategy for someone who just last week told us that she is going to show that her bum leg has NOTHING to do with her ability as a model. But, it works for her so whatevs.

Jennifer (Bland Asian) has a lazy eye, and Nigel and Rosario are all fired up about it. Hey Rosario, I thought Wilhelmina was open to all kinds of models? Yet now you judge because of a wonky eye? Don’t fret, Jennifer, maybe Tyra will have a jacked eye cycle next year and you’ll be accepted again!

Bambi Eyes comes in and Nigel asks her to sing a song. Gah. I wish she had the balls to bust out with “F*ck You Very Much” by Lily Allen, but she basically stood there like a deer in the headlights (ha! I really didn’t think I’d get to use that one!) and looks a fool. Nigel claims that “in this industry” you must always be ready for this type of thing. Whatever, Nigel. You were hotter when you were mostly silent.

Speaking of silence, President Sean Patterson has pretty much stayed mute this whole time. Who’s interviewing them, him or Nigel? During the cutaways, Nigel talks his ass off about how bad each of them suck while Rosario Armisen sits there looking like he isn’t sure where he’s at.

A montage of the other women flashes before us, and Mutey finally perks up and gets some digs in, all in the name of the “real world” of modeling. And then its Bianca’s turn. Rosario seems bummed that she’s bald, I guess he’s never heard of a wig before. But, he basically tells her to give it up, she is both bald AND short, so she might as well just go home, close all the windows and turn on the gas. Maybe Bianca could become a model AGENT, eh Rosario?

After the interviews, Sean and Nigel tell the minis that one of them just isn’t going to cut it. They are leaving right this minute. Whoa. This is a pretty big shock to the minis. Nigel is practically glowing with power, it’s almost as if he wants us to believe Tyra didn’t choose the loser herself.

Bambi Eyes was chosen to go. Is this because she couldn’t bust out a song on demand? I bet she wishes she sang that Lily Allen song now.

F*ck you
F*ck you very, very much
‘Cause we hate what you do
And we hate your whole crew
So please don’t stay in touch…

Back at the house, there’s more Tyra Mail! It’s time to separate the “supermodels” from the “mere” models, apparently. The minis show up in a room where a photographer is waiting. Right off the bat, he’s surly and bossy, so only an idiot wouldn’t be able to figure out that this is a fake photographer. Then Tyra walks in and the guy pretends like he doesn’t recognize her. This is awesome, Tyra. Really. You should totally start a Punk’d kind of show because you are so totally creative and unique. The girls barely react to Tyra’s entrance and the subsequent Clark Kent-esque stripdown (crossed with the Hulk) into her new superhero persona “Super Smize.” She’s got on a unitard, a cape and Gene Simmons boots. The photographer is spitting out all of the lame lines: “oh, Super Smize, you have the power to turn any runway to dust, blah blah blah.” I am so not kidding.

Kind of like “Ty-over” from last week, Tyra has a new made up word. “Smize”. I guess it means “smile with your eyes.” From what I can gather , if you suck in your cheeks a bit a narrow your eyes, you’re in. Tyra teaches everyone to Smize and then everyone has to put on these really stupid outfits and masks over their faces (except eyes). Then they do some sort of smize-off and of course it’s really nonsensical. The winner women get to wear fancy clothes and go to dinner with Rosario Armisen. The losers have to work in the kitchen.

After that’s all done, the models go back to the house, get their Tyra Mail, and settle in for the night. We haven’t had any Bianca drama for awhile, so I guess we need to get some excitement going! Bianca comes in and opens the dishwasher and puts the dirty dishes in with the just cleaned ones. Uh, who cares? Jennifer, that’s who. I can’t believe this is what passes for drama in the house. COME ON, surely there are people talking smack about other people. Maybe an insufferable pig is making everyone’s life a living hell. No, we have to watch DISH GATE ’09. Snore.

I recognize this place! My gambling addiction and I are here ALL the time! It’s the Santa Anita Racetrack in beautiful Arcadia, CA. Mr. Jay tells them they will be posing on a horse with a “real live” jockey (as opposed to the marble ones you have on your lawn, I guess), and that’s NOT ALL. They will be nude. And everyone seems very excited about it. Obviously, the goal of the day is to “smize,” but let’s be honest, here. They are on a horse naked, do you really think anyone gives an airborne fornication about their eyes?

Since I am very well-versed in the horse racing world, I am more excited about which jockeys are going to pose with them than I am their nudiness, but apparently they are only topless, and then they have these long wigs that cover their girly parts. See, Rosario? The bald-headed thing is easily rectified.

Rae is the first mini to pose and the jockey is a dude named Norm. I’m not familiar. He’s not on the jockey list for Santa Anita, but he is a “real live jockey,” so let’s move on. Anyway, Norm is 5’0 and he’s going to be the only jockey for the day. So much for my fun. Rats. Rae is excited that she is posing with someone shorter than her. But he’s up on the horse, so it’s not like it’s really that apparent. Rae does well, and smizes her small ass off. I would like to point out that the photographer and Mr. Jay both make liberal use of the word “smize,” as if it’s just a normal thing to say. So yeah.

Jennifer and her wonky eye are next and Jay practically calls her cross eyed before the shoot starts. No one said ANYTHING about this last week. All I’m saying is, they knew she was cock-eyed before she was cast and they cast her anyway, so from where I sit that’s approval. I think it’s rude to call her out for it now. During Jennifer’s shoot, the horse was squirrely, so she didn’t do terribly well. I’m sure Tyra will find a way to blame the eye.

No Personality Brittany continues to force me to wait for her chyron to get a clue as to who she is. She is just a non-entity to me. But, she does really well, in spite of the fact that she has a HUGE brown flower atop her head. I’m not sure she was smizing as much as she was trying to work through a headache.

Bloody Eyeball is of course complaining, only this time I kinda get it because she does seem to have a dead quail on her melon. Still, if the woman ever said anything halfway positive, I’d promise not to make fun of Tyra for a whole paragraph, maybe even two. Of course that’s not going to happen. Moving on…

Ashley is mediocre, Linebacker Erin gets high marks, but if you ask me, she misheard the instruction and thought they were supposed to be “Fizing,” which of course is saying “F*ck you” with your eyes. I wouldn’t want to meet her in a dark alley. Mr. Jay proves he doesn’t listen to a single word these idiots say when Laura the farm girl walks up and he asks her if she’s scared of horses. Dude, she chops bulls balls for sport, you think she’s going to let a horse freak her out?

And let me say that during all of this smizing and fizing, Senor Norm has been getting a whole lotta boobie rubbed on him. I bet his pictures are chock full of smizing.

Lulu decided to do her entire shoot holding her breath, and then its Courtney’s turn. Ok, I’m over the gimpy girl. Yeah, we got it, you’re a trouper. Thing is, I don’t watch this show to see idiots struggling to walk unless they can actually walk. She sucks the fun out of watching these does grow into strong deer. I hope Tyra is over her “I accept all people” act long enough to cut this dead weight. I may get my wish, because Jay thinks she sucks. She cries and asks us if she really sucks this bad. Yeah, ya do.

Bianca’s getup is hilarious. Of course she gets a wig because everyone else also has a wig, but the give the child a platinum blond wig that looks like it was just snatched off of Barbie’s drag queen brother. So you kinda wish she just got to go bald. It’s like they purposely want to make a fool of her. I approve. She looks a little like the Wesley Snipes character in Too Wong Foo, so I can’t imagine that this will go well. And it doesn’t. Kara (remember last week she got told her face was all honked up) does fair, and Sundai finishes us off with an ok showing.

After the long day, they go home to MORE TYRA MAIL! One of them is going home tomorrow. To celebrate, Courtney channeled Bloody Eyeball and pissed and moaned about it to the group. Hey, I thought you smiled through adversity, Gimpy? Not so easy to smile when your pity act doesn’t work for ya anymore, is it? No Personality Brittany tries to school Courtney on the ways of reality, and Courtney takes it well. Hahaha, of course she does not. The good news is, this edit means certain doom for Miss Courtney.

At judging, Tyra goes through her spiel with no theatrics. Good, I just wasn’t up for anymore Super Smize bullsh*t. The fun part is when she introduces the judges. I’m certain that Rosario Armisen will be the guest judge because he not only hosted their first challenge, but he went out to dinner with a few of them. But no, it’s some dork from The Hills. Laura Conrad. Or maybe it was Lauren. Is she the one married to the idiot with the blonde beard? In any case, if I were these ladies, I wouldn’t really give a flip about what she thinks of anything, so in a way it eases the pressure on them a bit.

After a few seconds of practice smizing, the judging begins. Well, first Miss Jay has to pretend that he has never heard the term “smize” and sets up Tyra with the question so she can once again spout off about it. Then Kanye West walks in and says “Yo Tyra, I’m really happy for you and Imma let you finish, but that Bambi Eye girl has the smiziest eyes of all time.”

Jacked Face Kara didn’t smize. Lauren says there is no expression in her face. Well, Lauren oughta know. She’s about as expressive as the Secretariat statue at Santa Anita. Ashley got poor marks, too. When its Jennifer’s turn, Lauren busts right out with “your eyes look uneven.” Yeah, well your eyes look like they have no soul. Tyra trys to tell her makeup will cure it. Really? How’d makeup redeem that fivehead, Tyra? Lulu gets a thumbs up and so does No Personality Brittany. Poor Bianca and her ugly wig get dogged. Lauren likes Laura’s photo, not that it means anything. Sundai gets lectured about smizing and Tyra actually refers to the character of Super Smize in third person. “Remember what Super Smize said!” Groan. Rae was a borderline hoochie, but pulled it off, Bloody Eyeball is Lauren’s favorite, and Erin and her fizing get raves.

Last is Gimpy Courtney. I think she’ s about to get the smackdown because of the music change. She limps down to the front of the panel. Her picture appears and right away the judges are not happy. So even after she watched Bianca get nailed last week for being a complaining little bitch, she starts in on how sucky the entire day was for her and now I am certain she’s outta here. She’s not a big enough bizzatch to stay in the game long term (hi Bianca!), and she’s definitely not one of the “faces” to beat, so she’s probably out.

During deliberations, they seem underwhelmed by most of the shots, but there are some standouts. Tyra takes a few moments to smize for Nigel and then the girls get their photos in this order:

Bloody Eyeball (it smiles!)
Jennifer (but not before a crack about her eyes)

Bianca and Courtney are in the bottom two. I don’t think they should hold Bianca responsible for that RuPaul wig she had to wear, but her picture wasn’t that great. However, Courtney is average looking on a good day plus she’s got a gimpy foot.

When Tyra calls them out on why they are up there, it turns out Bianca is there for saying “well, I want to see how that blonde hair looks.” Um, seriously, Tyra? I think you’re reaching a bit, there. She gives Courtney the “you sabotaged yourself” speech. I have a hard time feeling sorry for Gimpy, probably because I have been in her (orthopedic) shoes. I fell on my ass on Beale Street in Memphis this spring and my foot is STILL not healed 100%.

So who stays in this competition? The girl who Tyra thinks looks fierce even though she acts like a bitch or the gimpy average looking one? Take a wild guess.

Correct. Bianca is in and Gimpy is out.

Next time on America’s Next Top Model: Oops. Tivo cut me off. I did catch a glimpse of Bianca with big ol’ bug eyes, so I suppose we’re going to be treated to more of her winning personality. Can’t wait.