I watched the premiere, and it looked like the same old shit. A bunch of people separated into tribes, men vs. women yet again; the only difference was that they were to live at the same beach.
It just didn't resonate with me, and I figured I'd take a pass on this one.
Then I heard what happened in Episode 4, and realized I had missed Survivor History in the making. (Think, WORSE than Marcellas on BB.) Wonder how many of you did the same? This article is for those of you who did (and those of you who want to see things from my (distorted, admittedly) point of view.
By all means comment, as I'd love to know what all of you think!
Sabrina found the Manono immunity idol and gave it to gay Colton to pull a coup on Matt. Kourtney broke her wrist, men chose women to go to TC instead of finishing the comp. Bastards!
Matt/Bill/Jay in an alliance: Matt says they're "Sittin pretty."
Chelsea snagged the chickens, and did NOT share with the men. This, after the men stole from them at the boat.
Katt farted on one of the women. Sabrina called a meeting (not about the fart,) Chelsea said they needed a leader. Sabrina was elected and passed out chores. Alicia and Katt were to get food and survey - Katt didn't want to look for anything, just wade in the water with Alicia while others worked. Probst missed hosting the Do It Yourself Challenge; his absence made it boring. Suddenly one tribe won (untying knots was the real game, which the men won, netting themselves a tarp. Pun intended, btw.) Mike revealed he knew about Colton having the idol, while Jonas somehow had gotten it in his head that Colton was some sort of mastermind. That Jonas might just be one sandwhich short of a picnic, can you dig it?
Meanwhile the girls: Sabrina thought Colton was a virus (and he gave her the idol!) The witches kicked him out of camp: he returned, begging to stay. Worried he was ratting them out to the men, they refused. The men welcomed him back by Tarzan thrusting his pecker in his face while leaping around the fire with his make-shift spear.
The one where people stand on a thin rail over the ocean and have to move around each other, one at a time. Fun watch. You'd think the ladies would win - but Katt, idiot that she was, jumped in the water, yelling, TWICE. Not once but twice.
The women trotted off to vote... and OFF went Probst. Basically he told the women they were useless, and Kim was voted out.
You can't tell me they didn't cast these women on purpose. Over the years, there have been marvelous women in Survivor. Women who could whup the men and do it with a grin. This pack couldn't whup a pile of whipped cream in a bowl. A storm blew up; Colton and Jonas came to offer the women their shelter. Alicia of course wanted to stick it out: Sabrina thought their pile of crap was going to come crashing down. I'm with Sabrina: one of Katt's lesser farts would have done it in. The men also invited the women to share their fire. Matt was pissed: the mooching had to stop. And then we came to the RC.
With Salani in the shape it was in, the producers decided to make the challenge the memory one. The reward was a must for Salani: a canoe and complete fishing gear. You'd think the women had no chance: and if they did, the first one out would be Katt. Hold on to your seats, campers. Katt and Troyzan went through seven rounds: she whipped him finally. Salani, by gawd, got the goodies.
But was life good for them? All this time, and still they had no way of making fire, which brings on my yearly rant.
If you knew you were selected for Survivor, what's the first thing you'd do (after belting yourself in the face for utter insanity?) Learn to make fire, for gawd's sake. Not only for camp: for ties at TC. Instant popularity, too, is the person who makes fire that first day. But do most of them do it? Hell no, they don't. Pity for the women? Not bloody likely. Idiots.
Once more they begged an ember from the men, who generously offered them their shelter, too. Against Jonas's will: he actually said, " Even though they look like zombies, they should tough it out." That gives you a small idea of the shape the women were in at this point.
A problem arose (no surprise.) Yes, the women had an ember: it went out. No fire. Time for some wheeling and dealing, Matt said. He wanted use of the canoe. Believe it or not, the women pass. Back at their pile of crap, Kat said "We are girls and not made to be beaten down this way." This, amidst lousy weather and no fire. Oh, but they have the canoe. Right. Amazingly they put it to good use the next day, catching fish, impressing the men.
The IC was the one where the caller guides a pair through an obstacle course to retrieve puzzle pieces. The men started out with a huge seven minute lead, but the women fought back and won.
Finally it was time for the men to decide who should go. The odd group of Colton, both Tarzans, Jonas and Leif talked about booting Matt or Bill, but Jay spotted the meeting and joined them, promising to join the alliance. Then Matt found them, but met with Troyzan later in private. Troyzan simply yessed Matt to death, even when he portrayed the rest of the tribe as chickens and themselves as roosters.
Tarzan outted the alliance, Colton defended himself for being with the women, and then in a weird move, revealed he had the Immunity Idol. No, he didn't use it. Probably felt he didn't need to. And he didn't: Matt was, finally, gone.
As they return from TC, Tarzan and Troyzan were already discussing who's gone next. Bill is smart, a threat: Mike can float a while longer.
The women were, finally, functioning as a tribe and doing well: cooked up a breakfast of snails. The dudes of course sniffed it out and moseyed over with an offer: loan us your net, we know how to use it, we'll give you half the catch. Nope, didn't fly. Jonas was a 'Rude dude' Kim said to the cameras, for how he tried to connive that net out of the women. Troyzan, who saw it all, said "You just made a bitch move."
Sling shot tile-breaking challenge. First reward was comfort: pillows, blankets, and even a mattress. Next was a tarp, which the women desperately needed but the men already had. Last was a true reward, a giant plate of donuts, coffee, sugar, and creamer: breakfast.
On a roll, the women won. Tarzan was conspicuously stupid, first calling Jonas "Jason" and then saying 'it was only luck' that the women had won the last three challenges. Sabrina was upset at Tarzan's words, with a weak come-back " His crusty ass, calling it luck. Luck these!" The women took their new tarp back to camp with glee.
The height of the episode came after this challenge, when Leif and Bill were on the beach first just chatting, then talking strategy. Leif actually shared with Bill that he'd almost been voted out, not Matt! Bill was blown away (to say the least) and said '"This changes everything.' Indeed it led to Survivor history being made: something never seen before, and I guarantee, will never be seen again.
And it all started with a simple walk on the beach.
Meanwhile, somehow Colton had risen to power: I never saw that one coming. Mike went right to him and said he'd seen Leif and Bill on the beach, and Colton said "that little munchkin [Leif] is about to get knocked back to Oz." He then ordered Mike to fetch Leif. The confrontation was classic: he lit into Leif straight-up. He demanded to know if Leif had told Bill he was next to go; Leif mumbled around but finally admitted he had done just that. Colton told him "You've just sealed your fate," to zero reaction from Leif!
This was pairs walking over a teeter-totter to solve a puzzle and get a key. 3 keys won IC.
The women were totally blown away in this challenge. One more woman would exit, right? Strangely enough, we saw only a brief scene of the women: Sabrina talked to Kim, saying Alicia might be too much of a problem to keep around. And that was all. No scheming, no plotting of who was going, not even a suggestion of events to come at the upcoming TC. This I found beyond bizarre.
Suddenly we saw the men's camp, and why should that be when the women are headed to TC? Got me confused for sure. Bill tried to chill out Colton, who told him "You're going home, it doesn't matter anyway." Bill was unfazed: after all, the women were going to TC: he had a few days to fix things.
Colton then told Bill clearly that he doesn't like to associate at all with people he doesn't like, and "Bill was one of these people." Bill showed some guts and said, "Listen, you little stuck up brat..." Colton was now so very pissed that he mentioned to Jonas and Troyzan an idea that would indeed make Survivor history: trading immunity with the women. The men would go to TC instead. My mouth dropped when I heard that. Shades of Marcellas on Big Brother, with the veto in his hands... remember?
The men laugh, but Jonas started to think that maybe it wasn't such a whacked idea to vote off Bill right then. They were going to spread that Leif's betrayal was the cause, and everyone was to vote HIM out.
It was then that a Survivor rule check was called for. Could a tribe give up immunity to another one? Yes, as it turns out, IF it was unanimous. "They have lost their marbles," said Kat, for once making perfect sense.
Don't forget that Bill had been told he was next out. "You're going home..." Colton had told him, right to his face. According to Survivor rules, the men had to agree to this notion - all of them. Including Bill, of course. God knows why, but he actually agreed.
The women's reaction to the offer was priceless, as you would imagine. Would they accept?
When the usual scene of torches approaching TC appeared, for once it was filled with tension. Who was carrying those torches?
If you guessed the men, ding ding ding you win the weird prize of the night. A dumb-struck Probst said "24 seasons, some 400 Tribal Councils. Never had a tribe arrive at Tribal Council after winning Immunity." Troyzan explained that Leif had committed the 'cardinal sin' against his alliance and had to go. Repeatedly Probst said that "this could be the dumbest move in the history of Survivor."
Discussion continued, Colton told Bill, a stand-up comic, to 'get a real job.' Bill, in an attempt to smooth the waters, said they came from different walks of life.
Then the race card popped up, and we learned that Colton came from a town of 3000 in Alabama and attended (what else?) an all-white school. But he had black folks in his life: when asked, he admitted he had his housekeeper. Colton said that Bill "can't continue to live off the kindness of others," and Bill finally lost it. Tarzan broke in, roaring "It's time to quit talking about God damned racists!" As they headed to vote, Colton told Bill to "take his broke ass home."
Bill, who had agreed to go to this TC even though Leif had told him he was on the block, was voted out 7 to 1; having just made the most foolish decision in the history of the game.
Colton's reign continues. But then things changed for him with three simple words: "Drop your buffs." The switching of the tribes was at hand, randomly done. Oh, it was due, alrighty. Kat, Jay, Kim, Chelsea, Troyzan, Michael and Sabrina are the new Salani, leaving Tarzan, Leif, Colton, Christina, Alicia, Monica and Jonas to be the new Manono. Did Salani get all of the strength and none of the nuts? We pity Jonas and Monica, who seem to be the only normal people on their tribe.
For peanut butter, jam, sugar, creamer and, most importantly, the right to stay at the One World beach: losing tribe had to start all over again at a new beach! The comp entailed buckets with holes filled with water. As we said before, with Salani sporting the muscles, of course they won. Manono at least got a bunch of new supplies, and Colton wasn't happy with his new tribe, who 'suck.' He instantly ran around making new alliances. Could this explode later in his face?
Salani worked hard at catching serious protein: chickens and crabs. The men there realized they were outnumbered, but hoped to last to the merge. Doesn't everybody?
Alicia didn't exactly see Colton as a man, but she did consider him nuts; when asked to vote off Christina, she figured better a woman stay than a nut.
Back at Salani, Kim was determined to find that damned idol. Amazingly, she did so. They too caught a chicken; but folks, you need a decent trap. Of course it escaped.
Water basketball, where Jay started off by shoving Colton into the water, which made it hard for him to run. He played hard, though. Salani won 3-1.
Manono needed to rethink getting rid of Monica, who was the only one of any use at that challenge. Vote off your best player? Not my idea of a good strategy, no matter how hard she was to live with. Everyone told Monica and Christina that Tarzan is a goner.
Jeff did his damndest to catch someone in a lie and admit it's Monica's ticket home. Blindsided, Monica was indeed gone, which briought on a Probst rebuke about voting off the strongest person in the tribe. Jeez, you'd think they would have figured that out for themselves -- but no, she's gone.
Colton's power trip continues, to his detriment, and another Survivor bites the dust in an accident. Should be a goodie!
But the real question is... will Jokerette wait another five eps before writing another op ed piece?
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