Ah, there it is now!
They opened the gate
Where’s Seabisquit
Now that would be great

They give the commentary
Like this is a WWE knockdown
All these lovely grannies
Wearing an understated gown

I have a stomachache
Watching all this waste
Even Charles and Diana
Had a modicum of taste!

The rosebuds were flung
Down the aisle with great care
In hopes that a SWAT team
Would pull Ryan outta there!

They say this wedding is
Every young girls dream
But it looks like a nightmare
Wake me up I want to scream!

The camera shots were cued
By some guy in a gray van
Is it to late to switch the
Groom with the best man

The groomsmen walk out
And this gig is underway
The helicopters hovering
Waiting for their ABC pay

The groom had to be pulled
Down the aisle by his dad
His mother smiled woodenly
But Trista’s family was so glad

Finally her room would be changed
The color they hated could be painted
We hear that when she heard that
Poor Trista almost fainted.

And what’s this in the middle
Just before we see the bride?
A Commercial is taken?
My god have they got no pride?

They are calling this fiasco
The wedding of the decade
Pardon me if I barf at this
Presumptuous accolade!

And now they return to the scene
Nervously waiting for the bride
All the bridesmaids toddle down
the aisle (named in a quiet aside)

The flower girls are adorable
They give no cause for complaint
They look very much at home
In a scene that’s sweet and quaint

The firetruck kid
stole the whole show
It was the cutest thing
It’ll be copied now you know!

And now another commercial?
Before the wedding of the decade?
Oh god this is so sickening
Someone pass me a Rolaid!

The moment we’ve all waited for
Here comes the bride I guess
By now we’ve seen her so much
In this anticlimactic mess

The trumpets blared as
The copters circled above
My God is this all done
In the name of wedded love?

Dear Trista was so thrilled
With the copters over head
Perhaps she should be in Iraq
With Blackhawks instead!

The minister spoke up loudly
Like a Broadway thespian
As I watch this farce I think
I just may become a lesbian!

As the vows were spoken
It struck me as being so fake
Like a reality show gone bad
Let’s get on with it for heaven’s sake

Who had the stupid idea
To pour three colors of sand?
Please give us a commercial
Someone! Strike up the band.

T-Mobile’s commercial satire
Was better than the wedding
I’m glad I’m they’ll stop filming
Before the nuptial bedding!

We’re back he said softly
As Trista and Ryan take a vow
Oh I thought it was over!
Please someone shoot me now!

I think they wanted us to cry
But for once no tears I shed
They needed a speechwriter
I couldn’t understand what they said!

Then the traditional vows spoken
It took us long enough to get there!
He spoke so quiet and woodenly
As I thought “Ryan comb your hair!”

Trista smiled through her vows
Like a simpleton marionette
As the copters drown out the rest
They were paid for by ABC, I bet!

Where is the emotion they should feel?
I don’t see any on either one’s face
Perhaps they saw this script in advance
And plotted each word in proper place

Then after they kissed each other
We were transported to a sports event
Everyone waved pink flags!
This is the stupidest thing yet!

And so we’re off to the reception
I’m afraid I won’t attend
I’ve really had enough so
The Pepto Bismol wedding comes to an end.