"It's definitely what happens when you put a big chunk of cheese in a maze and let the mice go at it. See who eats whom, who scrambles on top of whom..." - Colleen Haskell

I hate this game...all these players suck...

Christa sucked because she transparently was out for herself. Sold Sandra out. It made her look untrustworthy, and that combined with her physical strength added up to her being booted from the game. I have to give her props though...yes, it would seem that the "bitch" tag is probably pretty suited to her (she cited Kelly Goldsmith, the other snarky bitch, as her biggest inspiration going into the game) but she was competitor par excellance. True, she didn't win any challenges, but she was right up there in just about every one of them. Hell, she outlasted Shawn in the sandbag challenge in Episode Six, and came within a hairsbreadth of winning Immunity this episode. She's a good competitor...but clearly rubbed people the wrong way from very early on (when she got votes from Burton and Michelle) and that's just bad playing, any way you slice it.

Sandra sucks because she trusted Jon...and I tried to rationalize it in last week's column, but I see now voting out Tijuana was just stupid. It gained her nothing. She seems to just get more shrill and bitchy with each passing three days, and doesn't seem capable of inspiring trust in anyone left.

Lil sucks because she's too wrapped up in emotions and what everyone thinks of her. She seems incapable of reading people and what their motivations and strategies are, preferring to have it spoon-fed to her from others in the tribe. And she's way, way too sensitive - when Jon made the comment about her kissing ass in the camp, she threw a hissy fit and went to bed. Hey Lil - he's telling you honestly how you are being perceived. Be adult about it and deal with it! If she turned around and said to Jon everyone thinks you're a jerk, he wouldn't even flinch - he KNOWS it, and is secure enough with himself to hear it said.

Burton sucks because he's over thinking the game. Can't make a firm agreement with anyone, even though that would naturally be in his nature. He's wavering on Lil, when he shouldn't be, and that's probably going to cost him. And man oh MAN is he dull - sure, he's eye candy, but would it kill him to say, like, ONE interesting thing???

Darrah sucks because she was part of the Morgan tribe...and they all sucked, as far as I'm concerned. The single worst tribe in Survivor history. She's lying back, letting people come to her for strategizing, and that's smart but...she sucks.

And...Jon sucks, for obvious reasons. The grandmother thing is just...evil, despicable, a pathetic grab for attention in the middle of his 15 minutes. I don't think it really advances his trustworthiness in the game, and it's just downright bad karma. This is evil to think of, but could you imagine if his grandma dropped dead for REAL this week? It would be hard to resist a cackle at that, as horrible as that sounds.

So who the hell DO you root for among this band of losers??????

Well...I've come to the conclusion that the answer is...none of them. I think Jon is the smartest player out there, but how do I cheer on the biggest scumbag to ever play the game? Nah...they all suck. Please let it be over.

A viewer shouldn't make the mistake that one of these players, by virtue of getting to the end, is a more skilled player than the other. On every other Survivor I would have said this, but this time? It seems to me more a matter of the fact that somehow, some way, two warm bodies will scramble their way to the top, with none really in complete control. They will do their Monday Morning Quarterbacking to say that "No! I played the game the best!" but...it's all crap. Really.

It was an interesting dynamic to have three players leave the game. Unexpectedly you had two groups of three with about 24 hours of alone time, and it left Burton scrambling as far as what to tell the two women left on the beach. Of course he hadn't been briefed on what to say by Jon...because he sucks. So he did his best to be non-committal, an act that should have clued the women into thinking he was all set to vote them out. It might have, but...who knows if it did? Why? Because the women suck.

Oh, and Jon called it "the coolest reward ever in the history of the game." Well...don't kid yourself pal. In Africa, Big Tom and Lex went on Safari, saw a ton of wildlife ate meals, took a morning balloon ride, and witnessed two lions hunting a water buffalo. Somehow I think that beats a night at a hotel.

Funniest Moment: Much as I dislike him, I have to say the evil cackle that Jon engaged in after describing swearing on his grandmother. It's...a bizarre strategy, I have to admire it, it's great TV, and I laughed with him. But I still think he's a scumbag!

So next week...the penultimate episode. Day 36 is the first day of a four day process of one player going each day. This is hardcore...and more hardcore given that no one has any real rapport with anyone else out there. I read spoiler sites, I think I know what's going to happen...watch the previews, use your head from there.

But ALL STAR!!!! It will end by all accounts the night the 12th person is shown voted out of the Pearl Islands. As I've said before, this entire series has been like an opening band on a bill where you are just waiting for the 18 to appear on stage. That's all I care about...these people (say it with me!) suck.