For those of you who have gotten to know me, you know how much I love a good reality show. I love that we live in a world where people willingly sell their souls to be on television and potentially win some money. It is great!! I can unleash my snarky nature and allow the sarcasm to flow freely from my mind like wild horses stampeding across the open plains. All was well in my world as Big Brother played out this summer. A cast of hypocrites and mediocre game players made for a great season and I was having more fun than a pig in mud. Yessir, life was good and lookin only to get better...that is until CBS pulled the dirtiest trick of all! Damn you CBS!!
So by now you are probably wondering what was it that happened Tweedle? How did CBS cripple such an armor-plated verbal bitch-monster like yourself! Well I am glad you asked, now pull up one of those soft cushy hobbit pillows and grab a cup of cocoa while I unfold this tale. As Big Brother came to close and the new fall seasons of both The Amazing Race and Survivor Guatemala began, it happened. Whoooosh! A sucker punch from left field, so devastating, so crippling that I not only never saw it coming, I never saw or understood the source. I tried to write, I even put up a pathetic golden book version of The Amazing Race, but in the end I was in tears and unable to write. What was wrong with me, what had CBS done to me? Damn you CBS!!
Next we faced the unthinkable, one of our own, Unklekevin, passed away. He had moved on to moderate that huge chat room in the sky, no doubt kicking unruly angels and calling them out as dumbass #1, #2, #3 and #4. Somehow I sleep better knowing Unklekevin is up there getting the trolls cleared out before we all arrive. This event just added to my funk and I felt certain that I would never write again. Maybe I had turned soft in my old age... maybe I had sung the "SpongeBob Squarepants" song to much with my grandson, maybe I had just lost it. I was no longer the iron-clad, cold hearted, snarky venom-filled bitch-monster I had grown to love! No, now I was sentimental, moody, overly emotional and generally pathetic. What was it that had brought me to my proverbial knees? Damn you CBS!!
And then, last night it happened. An epiphany, a dream, a vision of why the universe is out of alignment! Unklekevin came to me in a dream. I was so thrilled to see him but I must admit, he looked quite a bit like Charlie Brown. I hugged him tightly and squealed with delight at seeing him. He snorted and told me to grab hold of my panties and get over myself. I said "Unklekevin, what is it, what's wrong with me?" Unklekevin rolled his eyes, which isn't easy for a guy who only has two dots for eyes, but roll them he did. "You're fine dumbass!" he told me. "You are not the problem". He then smacked on the back of the head, jerking my head forward, causing me to bite my tongue which suddenly jolted me from a sound sleep to find my mouth lined in blood but my mind felt clear and strong and I knew what had gone wrong. Damm you CBS!!
It was all THEIR fault. Those money hungry, power greedy, ratings-seeking slime balls at CBS. It was them, they had done this to me with an unfair, unsportsmanlike sucker punch from left field which I could now identify, thanks to the intervention of sweet Unklekevin/Charlie Brown. This was a devious plot, a conniving trap into which not all have fallen, but I had. Like a lioness in the wild, I never saw those cheesy branches and twigs covering that deep pit, and I fell in, left in the bottom helplessly pacing back and forth wondering what had happened to my world. Thankfully Unklekevin/Charlie Brown had given me a ramp out of that pit. I was now the hungry lioness, angry, determined and looking for my prey! Damn you CBS!!
This dark plot? This devious ploy? The sucker punch which had brought me to my proverbial knees? It was those kids, those damned kids on The Amazing Race. As I mentioned I have always felt free to loose my venom on reality show contestant because they are all reality ho's. They signed up for this and deserve everything they get from me and others. But now, there were children. Mom and/or Dad had probably not fully explained the ramifications of this show to them, or maybe had not really given them a choice, or worst had told them this would be fun!! How could I unleash my venom on potentially innocent souls? How could I let loose my wrath on those potentially defenseless short people? I couldn't, I can't it just goes against my very nature. Damn you CBS!!
My dream, my vision of Unklekevin/Charlie Brown had revealed to me the truth. I cannot attack those children, I cannot be venomous with those kids, but I can surely turn it all on the parents for having dragged along those innocents into this world where those who play such shows are often reviled. They are the ones I can turn on now. So for those with children among them, the Schroeder’s, the Weavers, the Gaghans... just you watch out. Your days of relative safety are numbered! The Blacks are pretty much safe because they left in week one when I was still reeling and the Paolo's are worse to each other than I could ever be to them, but the rest are now fair game. Not the kids, just the parents! Yes, I have found the solution and watch out now because the Bitch is back!! Take that CBS!!
P.S. Thanks Unklekevin/Charlie Brown for the helping hand!