Oh boy, it’s that time again! Monday night eye candy a la the Bachelorette! I thought it would be fun to highlight (rather than recap) some tongue-in-cheek memories and "tips" from DeAhhhna’s whirlwind fairytale as it unfolds with a couple of Dreamer's Caps.

If you just happen to be competing for an AMAZING woman with 24 other AMAZING guys, you might find these things come in handy:

Choice Words for the Lovely Lady:

Don’t stutter. Impress her with your vocabulary skills when meeting her! If you’re stumped, remember these: Amazing! Beautiful! Sparkly! A Vision! Bling Bling!

How to Impress a Woman:

Give her a twirl! Better yet, let her give you a twirl! Because there’s nothing more manly than a girl giving a guy a twirl!

Button your jacket awkwardly–while saving face with a big cute smile!

Offer to share campfire stories!

Speak Greek. (Works best with Greek women)

Dress Freaky–it’s the thought that counts!

Reveal your imaginary friend’s name...er...your nickname, for a little added spice!

When she’s overwhelmed, offer to rescue her with a spiffy wink and hug signal.

Telling her a secret in a language she doesn’t know will lend an air of mystery to oneself.

Show off your swanky dance moves.

Don’t let a couch get between you and your woman, climb that mountain!

Know when to be man enough to put down your kazoo!

How Not to Impress a Woman:

Eerie dark glasses that make you look like a serial squinter.

Spend an hour adjusting your suit in slow motion before introducing yourself.

When invited to twirl her, twirl yourself and then scamper off quickly.

Offer to teach her math!

When asked to tell her something funny, say with a straight face, “You look great!”

Attempt an awkward salsa maneuver.

Strike a pose, dart a brooding yet suspicious glance off into the distance before first approaching her. (You can always claim later that you spotted a duck in the foliage and wanted to whip out your handy duck calling kazoo!)

Tell her she looks like she’s been working out!

Ask her friend to sit on your lap!

Rip her arm out of its socket while forcing her to grope your sweaty “abs of steel!”

Ask her to give your kazoo a whirl...

Hog a blanket when it’s chilly outside.

Admit you’re a cheater.

Play with another man’s kazoo.

Stunts That Grab Her Attention:

Give her crabs! A crab cocktail you’ve just expertly whipped up, that is, you master of seduction you!

Perform the “Robinhood” and annihilate a lemon off your buddy’s head. Weird, yes, but it will get you noticed!

Pool Stripping and Booty Name Bling!

Stunts That Just Plain Stink:

Duck calling. Period.

Dress For Success:

Speedo with your soon-to-be woman’s name on the back
Stand out from the crowd by going jacketless.
Match your tie to your eye color!
Show her you’re not afraid to wear pastels!

Dress Mess:

A kazoo is not a smart accessory in any setting
Disturbingly Dorky glasses
Ill-fitting suits
A “whoa that’s one too many hits from the bedazzler” sparkly jacket
Donald Trump is calling, he wants his hair back!

Act Appreciative:

If she gives you a rose, a simple yes just doesn’t cut it. Give her a rousing “Heck yeah!”

Some Lovely Parting Words:

And last but not least, parting wisdom from Greg for all the guys out there. If you get the boot, get fired up! When the chips are down, never frown, let your mind be sound. Rise from the ashes and dust yourself off. Be one with the fire, don’t expire! Or something like that. And if that isn’t the cherry on top, you can always rip your shirt off and release your inner wolfman while displaying your glorious bevy of chest acne and tats. Woohoo! You might just attract a coyote or two!