The Bachelor - Episode 2
Come on Dover, Move your Bloomin Ass!
Let's go to the horse track with the whor....I mean horses and ladies and bet Brad's money. ABC is saving money here, we by Andy a Ferrari and we don't have to get Brad a dang thing!!! Most of the girls...just like their alcohol...went all in with their money.
In attendance were...
Erin, Kristy, Mallory, Friggin Hillary, Jade, "DeAHnna", McFarten
Our favorite, cutest host, with the most, Chris Harrison lets the girls in on what was going to be happening for the day - he pointed out the date box was to his right. I knew as soon as he left it was going to turn into a Macy's Day Sale on a Egyptian Cotton Sheets and it was going to be a bloodfest as to who could get the box open first...Ok...so who's going to get up and get it, not everyone get up at once...Ok...WHAT THE....
HUGE Humongous hats, little bittie horses and some tickets. Woo Hoo were going to play Pretty Woman!!! I get to wear the tie first!!! Oh wait, no...oh a day at the horse track with all the whor....oops ladies. Sounds like such proper date for proper ladies.
Polish a turd...it's still a turd.
Brad is serious. He gives each of the ladies $20. He states he wants to see who bets big and who bets little and states he can learn alot from a dummy...I mean from their gambling style. Texas Hold Em anyone? Oh wait that's Solisa's bra...anyway..
Hillary gets the first alone time with Brad. Don't remember her? Let me help you out...she's the cute little freckle faced blonde, who is a nurse that would put poison in your IV and turn off your oxygen if she thought it would help her in anyway shape or form. Isn't she sweeeet?
Friggin Hillary and Bradchlor talk with the horses, giggle and canoodle a bit. She makes a comment about him being off the charts on a scale of one to 10 he's like an 11.5. Heck Hill what's the half for? 11 sound to silly? She then looks at the camera and in a moment from the movie "SAW" she states she will not let anyone get in her way and will do whatever it takes. Her eyes roll into the back of her head, she starts speaking in tounges.
To fill time some dude from the San Diego Chargers - Shaun Phillips comes in and gives his ever so important opinion of who he thinks Brad should choose. Yeah okay why does he count? Apparently McFarten is his first choice, oh and he likes DD.
Huh? When did "DeAHnna" go from correcting Brad for her name to the nick name DD? Unless he was talking about Solisa's double DD Texas Hold Ems? Oh wait she wasn't there, so yeah...its DD? So the gals can call her DD but to Bradchlor its "DeAHHHHnna".
So let's get back to the important things...
The old maid of the bunch, with frosted highlights...THEIR GRRRREEEEAT! Has fallen and can't get up. Where is the quick alert response system this old lady needs?
We see that Sheena finds Michelle laying on her back (practicing for an overnight date) and calls 911. Okay, they are putting her in the ambulance and all the gals are so worried. NOT ONE of them got in the ambulance with her.
I wanted to start playing a game of clue...it was Stephy in the bedroom with the pink bucket...
Anyway, Old Maid Michelle has a concusion, Brad finds this out with a phone call.
McFarten: How can she have a concussion and call you from the hospital...
Wow, is she bleeding, is she okay...McFarten demonstrates class without the CL here. She says How in the heck did Michelle get Brad’s number and why did I not get it? So, still reeling from the horror of Michelle falling and possibly being very hurt...she chooses to console herself by taking Brad away for some alone time. Oh it must be breaking her heart...
This very moment, the song "The Crying Game" came into my mind, the kiss, the horrible and terrible moment...or if you like Jim Carrey in Ace Ventura cleaning his face with a plunger...
Farty: Let's make a toast to new beginnings and perfect dates
Brad: Uhhhh ok... That sounds great. You know…
Farty: Or let's just kiss...
AAAAGHGHGHGGH! My eyes, my eyes...it burns!!! Brad is zoning in on the huge zit on her forehead. EWWWWWW If she could swab his tonsils with her tongue I think she would have, but Brad looked like he just smelled the horses downwind...
And now a word from our Bachelor: "We shared a kiss…but I can't lie...it wasn’t that good."
Such honesty...I LOVE IT!
Now back to serious Brad...
DeAHnna (DD to the girls) and Brad are talking, watching the sunset, away from the horses where he shared a moment with Farty and Friggin Hillary. She tells him she was in a relationship for five years. He is so proud of her committment. She tells Brad her old flame cheated on her and that it just TORE HER HEART OUT and I could never be unfaithful. He then commends her honesty.
Okay like a porno there is a cue card for every BACHELOR EPISODE from DAY 1 with these exact words...
Bachelorette: It's hard to vie for your attention, to compete with all these girls.
Bachelor: Promise me you'll stick it out. Okay?
Yeah think about it, Helena, Tessa...huh huh...cue card BOWCHICKABOWWOW!
Okay...so now on to Da Da Da Date 2!
In attendance shaking what their momma gave them in bikinis that had less material than a hanky... let's have a round of applause for:
Betty, Stephy, Sheena, Sarah, Jenni, Lindsey and Texas Hold Em's
Immediately taking off all their clothes except for their colored hankies, the girls start laughing, dancing and prancing on the beach, after a rub it in your face catwalk in front of the date 1 whors(es)
I hope he likes me best, I hope he likes me...hee hee hee...Lift the boobies, tuck em in.
I see that Betty was surfing...WIPEOUT! Yep didn't think she could really surf. Sorry Betty fans, but I ain't seeing it yet.
Brad takes the position that his minimum wage workers assume as they make him millions...behind the bar and makes everyone drinks.
What's this? Here the girls are half naked and Brad is still standing there with his shirt on?
Stephy steps up to the plate, prepares for first base...here's the windup, she swings...IT'S GOOOOOOD. IT'S REALLY GOOOD! At least that is what Stephy says...This is where I pause, ask my husband to join me...I'll be right back
Shirt is off, now let's Party Hardy! Brad is pouring a round of shots, heck he has seen his employees do it a thousand times he can do it too. Jenni gives a chant that young single women all over america are writing down in their notebooks and cell phones... “Here’s to the north…here’s to the south…here’s to finding out what he can do with his mouth!”
ABC...America’s Baptist Channel.
Sarah steals Brad away. They talk, yadda yadda, big whoop ain't feeling it people...don't think it will happen...anyway she gets a rose, she squeels like a pig in heat and back to the party...
When they return, Texas Hold Em asks Brad for a body shot. Salt is sprinkled on her and immediately she screams in pain...Oh wait that's a leech..is there a difference? Alcohol gets sucked off her body, a lime is sucked out of her mouth, Betty just thinks the whole think sucks in general.
It's at this time I am explaining to my daughter why this show has a 14 year old parental warning and why Brad is attempting CPR through her navel.
America's Baptist Channel...Can I get an AMEN!
Texas Hold Em makes sure ABC has some good righteous and wholesome entertainment and states to Brad that she is a woman of faith. A christian woman who is comfortable with her body and there’s nothing to be ashamed of.
Honestly Brad I am a good girl, but if by some freak accident my ankles end up around my ears...
Stephy decides that she will do one up on Booblisa and takes a shot of Brad's washboard abs. I am sure some alcohol ran into the crack of his hiney and he was truly uncomfortable with the whole thing.
If I fart, will she leave me alone????
Can you feel the love people? Let's all grab our hymns and turn to page 69, and sing...
Brad finally gets some time with Jenni. He just loves how when he is with her he just can't help but smile and laugh with her. They kiss, they kiss some more, and a little more. Brad, the gentleman that he is, said we better get back.
Meanwhile, back at the Batch cave, Jaded and Friggin Hillary happen to oops, stumble and find, by digging accidently by unzipping by freak of nature the front pocket of Jenni's suitcase - her scrapbook/modeling book. Wow, how did that get there?
They are just doing the right thing for Brad now, I mean we do have his best interest at heart.
Back to the IV people, if you happen to be in a hospital with this blonde, back away, get out while you can, take your chances with GANGREENE!
HOT TUB ALERT, HOT TUB ALERT!!! Six pack abs and a pound of flesh at 9:00.
Brad asks the gals what the craziest thing they’ve ever done while the 6 of them and he sit in a hot tub together - now for me people...that would probably have been the craziest thing right there...
"Dear Penthouse Forum...."
Now tell me if I missed something here? Why did Lindsey answer the opposite of what he asked? Did I not get it? Is she using reverse reverse psychology on him?
Anyway, she states she has NEVER gone skinny dipping. (Alright ABC Intern gives Lindsey $50 for putting that line in her conversation)
Our most beloved and precious, moral and introverted Solisa takes this opportunity to whip off her top and go running into the ocean. Praise GOD she has come out of her shell! I can only hope GOD sends JAWS to eat her alive. Can I get an AMEN!
No one follows.
BACK AT THE BARBIE MALIBU BEACH PAD...The Rose Ceremony
Michelle? Oh yeah the old maid...she is so freaking out that in her decreped old and fragile state that Brad is going to give her the boot after falling down the stairs. It's okay Michelle, you can always try MATCHMAKER.COM.
Betty and Brad have this weird conversation that sounds like a dropped cell phone conversation. All you get from it is that she wants to have the "divorce" talk with Bradchlor but eats her heart in her throat and just can't do it. Instead she tells him that she can’t imagine anywhere else she’d rather be then on the couch, right then, right now, (naked, with him all alone).
Brad then jumps into another room to talk to "Take your pants off" Mallory. He asks what would her perfect date be? She pulls out the whips and puts this man to work...she wants breakfast in bed and doesn't have the foggiest idea what a job is??? Yeah that's gonna get her a rose...
Jenni hears Friggin Hillary and Jaded tell the other whors(es) about Jennis intentions for being here. They tell the other gals about the modeling book they accidently, stumbled upon, while unzipping and opening her bag. Jenni cries in the bathroom to DD. DD gives her edited advice - don’t trust any one here. Jenni just wants people to like her, she didn't do anything wrong...so she goes off burning sweet grass, making hearts in her I's and singing Kumbaya.
Jaded the classy gal of our bunch (she wants you to know)starts telling Brad about the other evil doers within their midst and how their intentions are not of the pure of heart and he should be weary of them...to which she turns her head 360 degrees and spits up pea soup.
I can only hope Solisa has an inside track with the Lord and has that gal smitten with lighting...right after she puts her top on and cleans the tequilla out of her navel.
So the gals that didn't make it are Michelle, Erin and "Keep your pants on" Mallory.
And that is with accordance to the prophecy...so let it be written, so let it be done...