My Bachleor Recap via pain killers and my husband
Imagine if you will one man, one gorgeous man... and 9 women living all together, yet they were...oh wait...honey can you come in here and help me please...
Hubby says, the host guy (I say Chris), starts by telling the gals that they are going on some split up dates. I say what??? He says, well some are going on a group date, some are doing a threesome and the other one gets some one on one time.
I look at him at say threesome???? Hey says, You watch it your way, I will watch it mine. (At this point I pop pain pill #1)
Who gets the one on one date honey?
This Jenni girl is really excited to get alone time with Brad. (To which I tell my husband, what girl WOULDN'T be excited to get some alone time with that man.) Hubby gives me evil look that threatens him not telling me what is going on...so I shut up...(just for now)
The rest of the girls are all excited too as the helicopter is making a landing at Malibu Barbie Bachelorette Pad. It's close to Halloween people, why couldn't some bachelorette get her head chopped off by the whirling blades of the helicopter...
Oh look, is that Hillary's head blowing across the lawn with the rose petals and lawnery?
Whoa those are some heaving pain pills...
Jenni runs into Brad's arms, she is hanging on for dear life because her little 100 lb frame will be sucked into the abyss if she doesn't and there would be more bachelorette booby cutlets everywhere. (This image invokes Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom into my mind and I see the other bachelorettes on a feeding frenzy)
Brad tells Jenni how beautiful she is. She flashes her trademark smile buries her head in his neck and Brad, the gentleman that he is, says good bye to the other gals as Jenni is still holding on for dear life. Brad then pushes her hair out of her face - SCORE! as they enter the wonderful pale blue sky of romance the girls all wave back and say, “BYE” in enthusiastic unison. All but DeAHnna and McFarty that is...I can't for the life of me imagine why????
Jade tells the camera that the physical attraction between Brad and Jenni is so obvious. All the touchy feely stuff...not a good sign. Hillary running after her head on the front lawn, thinks that Jenni and Brad have sexual chemistry and it makes her want to throw up. (Hard to do without a head Hil) Jade sits beside her and like a little puppy strokes her hair for comfort. Hillary says her boyfriend has just left with the hottest girl ever and then between sniffles, snorts and snot blowing drops the f-word.
We all know she goes next week...so someone has to take our psycho's place. The drama just isn't there without Headless Hillary. So who becomes the psycho...
I ask my husband at this time a million questions about Jenni and what he thinks of her. He says she's cute, he loves her smile. He doesn't think her laugh is that annoying....silence...I start to see drool come out of his mouth...
I look up at the screen, our big 60" screen and what do I see...a crotch shot up Jenni’s short green dress. Yep, Brad and my husband are both happy men at this time. (Pain pill #2)
Brad and Jenni are looking at all the buildings out the helicopter, holding hands, laughing and having a great time on a great day, meanwhile my husband is laying down on his side trying to still catch a view.
They land on a roof to have dinner on a garage sale find metal table. Jenni can’t stop smiling, my husband is still smiling... she tells Brad that she is nervous. Brad says not to worry, because since the beginning he’s been waiting for this moment. He is very happy that he is with her and has wanted this...so badly. So badly....(sigh) and since the beginning...(sigh sigh)
My husband laughs, who says those things. Then he looks at me realizing my pain pills haven't quite kicked in and tells me...I guess I did...I wanted you too and I got you. He kisses my forehead...smiles at me and then lays back down on the couch to catch another view...(what a romantic)
Brad then brings up their kiss. Jenni says that she can’t stop thinking about it. The two of them move to a couch, complete with handy cashmere throw.
It's at this point I tell my husband, do you see how she covers him up with the blanket, she did it on an earlier episode with their first kiss, she took his hand and kissed it, she took his hand and held it and he reciprocated, but how cool is it that girl is showing HIM some affection. My hubby agrees it's pretty cool that the guy isn't having to do everything here...
Anyway, back on the roof top, Jenni says that she wants to see him tomorrow. She says she is selfish and wants him all to herself. She then gets a little smirk on her face and tells Brad that the rose is sitting all by its lonesome and needs a friend. She wants to be it's Best Friend.
Okay admit it, how many of you didn't smile from ear to ear here, that was like the cutest thing...
Brad hands her the rose, touches her face and says that he’s been waiting to do that all night. She inhales the fragrance and tells him that she’s saved every rose he’s given her. This pleases our Brad and he growls in a low gruff voice, “Come here to me...please.”
It's at this point I am fanning myself, thanking the lord for giving me that one brief moment to counter the crotch shot...my husband and I are now even.
At the Malibu Barbie house, the other girls are trying to make small talk. Jade says it sucks when DeAhhnna and McFarty talk about other people and the way they treat the other girls. Stephy wishes they would talk to them in a nicer way. McFarty says it would be boring if they didn’t, trying to justify her bitchiness. Jade is tired of them attacking everyone in the house. Dee interrupts her and Jade so frustrated by everything sends another f word into the night.
My husband makes a comment about how if you were to put a bunch of women, no phones and no tv's etc in a house and this all they have to do, yeah it's going to turn ugly.
7 women - 1 man
The date box card made me squeel, sit up and no sooner sit back down in pain...I told my husband that is the thing that attracts him to Jenni...
“There’s nothing sexier than a woman’s laugh. Come show me yours.”
He gives me some silly look...
Anyway the 7 women that go are...McFarty, our resident psycho Hillary, Bettina,
Kristy and Stephy
Brad says he likes to kick back and laugh (another point for JENNI) He wants to see who can just have fun. He doesn’t want anybody who is shy and reserved. They travel to a comedy club in a double decker bus (images of Harry Potter come to my mind) and when they get there, our Brad tells the gals all of them will be performing today - you are the show.
Hillary embraces the spotlight her chance to shine! I'm your number one fan Brad. Anyone else see Fatal Attraction, Misery etc. here???
The teachers begin with a prop improv. The rules are: use the prop in any way that it is not meant to be used.
1st prop: A pink party hat
Hillary holds the cone and says, “Things are bigger in Texas.” To which I laugh and say you will never know...NEXT!
Bettina holds the cone like a megaphone and yells, “I love you Brad!”
Hillary (not to be outdone) puts cone up to boob and sings, “Vogue, vogue, vogue.”
That is the only time that Brad will have looked in that direction on her body from here on out.
2nd prop: Pink boa (not the snake, the feathery kind)
Bettina walks up, chickens out, Brad encourages her...she then returns to the front, holds the boa in front of herself and says, “I forgot to shave.”
My husband spits his drink across the room and says What the???? that's just gross. You don't even pretend that you are the last of the Mohicans...GROSS!
(I pop pain pill #3) I think? Lost track by now...
Kristy’s turn! Wait. Nope.
Improv challenge 1: Beg for a rose as if you were a dog.
At what point did the ABC powers that be decide, we have degraded these women enough, let's do it some more and make them beg like a dog???
I won't even go into details...It was so bad, Hillary did something stupid. Sheena asked for a belly rub.
Do I have enough pain pills for this...
Improv challenge 2: Dating show
Hillary is dressed up like a cheerleader and she says “You are so hot you make my pom poms sweat.” She then spells out Brad's name...hooray...big whoop...She's so SMART - S-M-R-T.
Kristy is dressed like a cowgirl and says “My name is sugar and I’m looking for a little spice.”
Insert crickets chiriping here...
Kristy bawls, Brad assures her it's okay...but Brad prefers potty humor to waterworks and gives the rose to Bettina and her unshaved boa.
DeAhhna and Jade - the two girls who HATE each other are going on this date. Jenni gets to read the date box rhyme constructed by Brad.
“Tonight there is just one rose. One stays…one goes.”
Jade is not going to let DeAhhnna get the rose. He thinks Brad will see through her fakeness. DeAhhna thinks she is more compatible and if they aren't she will pretend to be the kind of girl Brad likes so she can win this game...OOPS I mean Brad.
Second verse same as the first..Rooftop date...cashmere blanket, but this time a hot tub?
The girls and Brad exchange some conversation that is like a bad episode of Name that tune...
Brad: I want to find that one special person I can be with in my life and I would like to know what do you think about moving to Austin?
Jade: I don't mind...I’ve lived in other places before.
D: Me either Bradley, I packed myself and moved to Tennessee all by lonesome.
Jade: Yeah well, I have lived in over 30 of the US states including Puerto Rico and it's subsidaries and I started work at 16.
D: So big deal, I started work at 14 and plan on traveling to the Bermuda Triangle and living to tell about it.
My husband whispers, "What a bitch"
Eventually Brad says goodbye to Jade and gives the rose to the playa of the bunch DeAhhna. He talks about it being a horrible thing he had to do.
I was wondering did he mean giving the rose to D was bad or saying good bye to Jade? I just really couldn't tell...
Back with the Barbies:
One bachelorette pipes up: How does everyone feel about getting engaged?
The girls are squeel...Yes, Yes, Yes, (like an organic shampoo commercial)
Bettina and her unshaved boa are shocked, Do you know what marriage is? You can’t be on this show and commit to a relationship after six weeks. I know. I’ve been married before.
Holy Crap! I hear crickets again. No one can believe it.
Hillary has to break the tension: If you know…you know. People give up too easily. I personally wouldn’t want to date someone who’s been married. You’d have to kick the tires every once in a while to see if she’s still running.
My husband chimes in: idiot.
Hillary is concerned...AGAIN! McFarty is crying because she knows she didn't get the tv time that Jenni and D got and knows it's her time to go.
Kristy and those BIG lips of hers steal some alone time with Brad. She rambles on about being guarded and her and Shrek have a lot in common...they both are like onions and have layers. Brad then says you are not an onion. You are more like a choice cut of meat, primed to perfection. He then says he isn't sure if he wants that choice cut of meat because some times he may want a corn dog? Can she be a corn dog?
Sheena overhearing that crying gets you a rose, quickly grabs a water bottle and lightly mists her eyes before Brad comes to visit her...she tells him she is there for all the right reasons and doesn’t want to go home. Brad being Brad, pulls her into his shoulder so she can cry it out. To which at one point I swear I saw her peek out from under his shoulder and give a big thumbs up to the camera man.
After Sheen, Brad wanders over to Kristy, Bettina, D and Farty. The girls for some odd reason feel like there is safety in numbers or maybe Hillary told them it was a good idea, take turns at asking Brad a question one word at a time.
Brad lets them know it was Jenni and then for some reason, all hell breaks loose. Bettina calls her a slut and a liar.
I sit up again squeeling with delight...it's a first, it's a first...my husband asks me to lie down and tells me he will give me a cool rag for my head...I say, don't you get it...the beginning to believe the ending...it's another beginning...
He is worried about me...
The group immediately goes Nancy Drew all over Jenni:
Did you kiss him or did he kiss you?
Jenni: He kissed me.
D (staying on task with the questions): Did you think Jade was coming back?
J: I felt you were someone he would be attracted to, so I prayed for her to come back.
Bettina and her unshaved boa: What about him? Don’t you want him to find someone to be happy with?
Boainna: So why would you pray for him to not find happiness?
J: Duh blondie, because I want it to be me he ends up with.
Boainna: I’m surprised that you are treating this like a game.
Bettina? Yeah, ummm can I have a word with you (without your unshaved boa) thanks...okay...this little “trip” you are on. It’s a reality show. It umm sort of is a game...did we not explain to you the rules of this show before you signed up to “win” the heart of the man of your dreams? Oooh wait, you lost that part of the contract in with your divorce papers....okay...gotcha.
Brad and Jenni get some alone time after all this, they kiss, they kiss some more...I miss you, I miss you too. They kiss some more.
My husband has given up laying on the couch sideways now. He asks me if I recorded this episode...I threw a pillow at him.
My OMG moment (popping another pain pill)
Farty: I wonder who is going home tonight?
D: NOT ME! Waving her rose in the air so hard it sent petals flying everywhere...
Husband whispers again..."bitch"
Farty and Stephy were sent home along with Jade.
Our resident psycho, Hillary is here to bestow her kicking the tires attitude for one more week. We know she goes home next week
(insert happy dance here)
After that, there has to be someone else that helps with the drama...I am just going to go out on a limb here and say it's a toss up between Bettina and her unshaved boa???