It may sound peculiar to you, but I never feel as close to humanity as I do watching Big Brother. And though there is usually a houseguest or two that rankle me at first blush, I know I will grow to love them. All of them.

I will come to accept their foibles. I will start appropriating their slang lexicon in my life. I will rip their styles.[1] I will become momentarily obsessed with the songs and movies they discuss.

For these next three months, these people will be my family. It won’t be all roses and lollipops, because what family is? We will have fun and make our jokes. We will promulgate the occasional pointed criticism. But we will love, and we will aim to be fair.

So let’s do this like Judas, shall we? The rules of the game still remain the same: These rankings are not a reflection of the best intrinsic game players, but rather the players who will advance furthest in the game; within the categories, the houseguests are listed in no particular.


The Curtain Jerkers


Jace Agolli, AKA Fedora: Jace is yet another Big Brother incarnation of the surfer dude. However, this dude isn’t interested in lounging around and chilling all summer. Jace is there to compete. He says he’s a leader and “that’s what the house needs.” Usually the surfer dude is evicted for being misconstrued as a threat; Jace will be evicted for openly advertising himself as a threat.




Da’Vonne Rogers, AKA Wheelin’ Dealin’ Momma: Da’vonne is poker dealer who thinks she may get sympathy for being a mother. That never happens. She also describes herself as loud, a direct communicator, and a bit of a lone wolf. It’s going to be a struggle, Da’Vonne.




Liz Nolan, AKA Fierce: Liz has a propensity to sound like she’s lying even when she tells the truth. When asked about her Big Brother fandom, she says she “go[es] on the live feeds all the time.” It sounds preposterous up until the point where she starts referencing obscure Lawon quotes. Nevertheless, people will always think she is lying to them.




John McGuire, AKA Novocain: Novocain plans on playing dumb and engaging other houseguests on the subject of their teeth. He has a solid grasp on the game, but as convincing as his stupid act is (his voice is a mélange of Bobcat Goldthwait and Seth Rogan), I don’t think the house will buy it. Everyone is always uber-paranoid about the presence of secret geniuses and his career as a dentist will bolster their suspicions.



The Midcarders


Meg Maley, AKA the Goof: Meg is so cool. I think I’m in love her. And that’s the problem right there: At least one houseguest will develop a crush on Meg, and it will put a target on her back.






Audrey Middleton, AKA Aubrey: Audrey wants to play the game like Dexter Morgan: organized, detatched, deadly. However, she wants to target big players early, which is a red flag. Subtlety will not be her strong suit.

Audrey is also getting a lot of press for being Big Brother’s first transgender houseguest, so I hope we can all agree that there is nothing remotely wrong with being transgender. We need not treat her any differently than the rest of the cast.


James Huling, AKA Walmart: James is not only a people person, he is a “very people person.” He also points out that he is the “first hillbilly Asian on Big Brother.” He will float his way into jury.





Shelli Poole, AKA the Recruit: Don’t let her status as a recruit fool you: Shelli is a force to be reckoned with. But she will be evicted by some fluke. She will lose the wrong competition during the wrong week and will pay dearly.





Austin Matelson, AKA Judas Devlin: Judas Devlin was Austin’s assumed name as a professional wrestler, and he has chosen to resurrect it the Big Brother house. It is basically a Dan Gheesling-Heisenberg hybrid: He transforms into Judas when he dons his hat, and “when Judas comes out, it’s lie, lie, lie.” Austin will make tons of friends in the Big Brother house, but people will be too intimidated by his physique.




Vanessa Rousso, AKA Lady Maverick: Lady Maverick is a professional poker player and would like to implement some of her poker skills in the Big Brother house. Vanessa seems ludicrously intelligent, and that may very well be her downfall: The house is going to be too aware of her strategic acumen.




The Main Eventers


Jason Roy, AKA The Gay Glue: Every girl alliance needs a gay glue and Jason is the Gay Glue. I’m concerned that Jason may lack the requisite restraint to get to this stage, but what the hell—the real reason I’ve placed him in the Final Four is because he namedropped JokersUpdates in an interview.





Clay Honeycutt, AKA the Honeycutt: If James Bond were a female character (Jane Bond), she would seduce men with names like Clay Honeycutt. But seriously, I think Clay is going far. In his interviews, he embodied a sort of All-American blandness, which is a trait that translates well to the Big Brother house.





Becky Burgess, AKA Rocky Mountain High: Becky is the kind of person who exclaims, “Oh heavens!” without a trace of irony in her voice. It’s possible that other houseguests find her incessant smile and cheery attitude fake, but I’m convinced of the social skills of this international retail manager.





Steve Moses, AKA the Kid: Steve is a live feeder with a nuanced understanding of Big Brother. In the house, he will play up the innocent child angle which is a personal favorite of mine. He wants people to view him as naive, stupidly loyal, and incapable of deception. I think he can swing this. Steve Moses is my pick to win Big Brother 17.



To watch the interviews for yourself, here are a bunch of links for your viewing pleasure.


[1] My wardrobe is compromised of bear shirts, St. Mary's athletic gear, and Jen-based pun apparel.