Big Brother Fogie Edition

Chima was a woman in need of intensive mental health care. Lydia is nuts. Freakin crazy nuts. Jesse has serious narcissistic tendencies. Michelle is a schizophrenic. Once again, this season, the cry goes out

I think it’s about time Alison Grodner made a point. I think she needs to do the ole frying pan trick on us viewers. She need to give us a season of well adjusted, rational individuals! And with the economy in a downturn, now’s the BEST time to find some normals who are not unemployable...just unemployed.

Most children do not learn to not touch a hot frying pan from listening to our parents.

Your mother said:

“Don’t touch that pan, it’s hot!”

And we heard :

“Keep away from that Fun Factory, your Father and I want ALL the fun for ourselves and you might steal some, thus taking away our Fun Time We Don’t Want To Share With Kids!”

We only stop touching hot things when we burn our wee hands! And that in turn teaches us that MAYBE, just maybe, our parents aren’t secretly trying to deprive us from all things fun, and MIGHT (channelling Jessie) have our best interests at heart. So what AG should do is find 13 normal folks and show us how frickin dull that would be. Make us pine for the days of psychotic pre-axe murderers and the steroid users they love.

I can see week 1 now. Bob and Dave agree that Doug and CIndy are logical targets due to their slightly elevated cholesterol levels combined with their recent knee surgeries. It’s for their own good, really! Stan and Marcia agree that this is medically sound, and since Marcia is a post-residency physician, informs them of this decision. Doug and Cindy agree, thanking the house for their concern. The other six houseguests emerge from comas to vote Doug out. Cindy leaves of her own accord to try a new protoplasmic lipid enhancer she read about in Reader’s Digest.

Week 2: Bob and Dave have a falling out over whether over or under is the proper way to hand a new toilet paper roll. Sandy intervenes and gets them both to agree that the important thing is that the roll got replaced. Houseguests agree on the HOH’s request to nominate themselves based on credit score. Coma houseguest #4 is voted out.

Week 6: The first big twist....Stan, week 4’s evictee, returns to the house! tell Bob that his wife says he has been receiving positive responses to his resumes at several firms, he needs to start scheduling interviews. The food competition has been eliminated, since most members are now eating slop for its fiber.

Week 8: Alyson insists her husband is the best in the world, prompting Blane to display his “World’s Best Husband” mug prominently for TWO days straight. The first bleep is heard on live feeds from Alyson. Feed watchers argue over whether or not it was Josh’s pacemaker.

Week 10: The big blowout. No longer able to tolerate Marcia’s underuse of fabric softener, Harold (until recently, Coma houseguest #2) instigates a coup. For the first time this season, the houseguest who leaves receives NOT a warm hug, but merely a firm handshake upon eviction from two disgruntled houseguests. The show must be pre-taped.

Season Finale. In a truly unexpected expectation of expectancy, the winner of BBFE is revealed to be......Coma houseguest number 1. Further research shows the “houseguest” is actually a ficus tree, and the losers insist upon an investigation to determine how it won the last five challenges.

Reunion show: The cast members admit they all agreed to split all post-tax winnings, and congratulate one another on their new well-diversified 401k plans. CNN reports a massive drop in IQ across the nation, which is shown to be the viewers of BBFE spontaneously lobotomizing themselves.

Be careful what you wish for, folks. Your parents might let you touch the pan.