The official Houseguest bios are pretty superficial, but with some careful reading between the lines, you can get a little deeper, like to that layer you'd be at if the first layer was exfoliated. To save you the trouble of having to exfoliate the bios yourself, I'm sharing the "secret details" I exposed, in annotated form. [I used the exact same opening to start my pre-season article for BB Season 9, but the HG's don't change much, so why should I?]
-- Scart --
Name: Braden Bacha
Age: 28
DOB: 9/13/80
Home: Santa Monica, Calif.
Status: Single
Occupation: Surfer/Actor/Model[1]
Born and raised in Dana Point, Calif., Braden spends his time surfing and has experience working as an international model and an actor.[2] This bachelor lists his favorite activities as sleeping and talking to girls.[3] He is a cocky surfer[4] who, ironically, is afraid of drowning. He constantly boasts about his self-perceived intelligence, looks, charm and overall desirability.[5]
Braden calls himself a fashion icon and thinks anything creative is totally rad; he even designs his own jewelry[6]. But he hopes that he is not placed in the house with "fashionistas[7] who think they are too cool for school." Braden has a very laid-back, California vibe and is concerned that the stress levels in the house will mess up his mellow personality.[8] His fellow Houseguests may be thrown off by Braden’s vocabulary as he tends to make up his own words.[9]
Aside from winning the cash prize, Braden hopes to have new experiences and gain the virtue of patience. He plans to win BIG BROTHER by being two-faced.[10]
Braden’s favorite color is blue (because, according to him, it compliments his eyes) and his favorite food is sushi.
[1.] No, not Kelly Slater. He's the *other* surfer/actor/model.
[2.] Reviews for his "Hamlet Hangs Ten" in Canada were brutal. Great poster, though.
[3.] Sleeping is when he does most of his talking to girls.
[4.] The "y" is a typo.
[5.] Man, this bio writer really hates Braden.
[6.] Ask him to show you his Cocky Rings™.
[7.] (Thinks "fashionista" means "model from Nicaragua".)
[8.] "Stress levels" = lack of access to pot. (Which he only uses to prevent glaucoma.)
[9.] Words like "supposably", "ironical", and "Bradenated™".
[10.] Nothing teaches patience like three months' practice of being two-faced on a reality tv game show.
Name: Casey Turner
Age: 41
DOB: 2/16/68
Home: St. Petersburg, Fla.
Status: Married
Occupation: 5th Grade Teacher/DJ
Fifth grade teacher by day and DJ by night, Casey will rap for anyone on request.[1] Funny, outgoing and intelligent, this teacher is most proud of having a career where he has taught at schools located in low-income areas for more than 15 years.[2] He takes great joy in knowing that he has the opportunity to work with good kids who are not growing up in ideal situations.
Casey calls his wife "terrific" if for no other reason than she puts up with him.[3] An understanding woman[4], she will miss him during his stay in the house, but she realizes that this is a once-in-a-lifetime experience for Casey. He feels the most difficult part about being in the house will be being away from his family, and he is worried about the milestones he might miss in the lives of his 19-year-old and nine month-old sons.[5]
With the BIG BROTHER cameras surrounding him at all times, he is quite nervous about his nose-picking habit.[6] He's pretty sure that the cameras will eventually catch him. Other than that, he really doesn't have any fears and quips that there are only two things that he is afraid of: his "wife and the IRS."[7] He is looking forward to getting outside of his comfort zone which will end up in self-discovery, adventures and awesome experiences.
One of his life's mottos is, "refuse to lose,"[8] and if he encounters any whiny people in the house, he will simply say, "life isn’t fair. We’ve all had tough times. Suck it up and move on."[9]
[1.] He learned everything he knows about rap by listening to DJ Mike Boogie.
[2.] After 15 years in his class, some of those kids have even made it to the next grade.
[3.] He loves to compliment his wife, if for no other reason than the questionnaire asked about her.
[4.] She puts up with him *and* she's understanding? Wow, this lady must have a great personality.
[5.] Like the first time the little one calls his older brother, "Daddy!"
[6.] Even more nervous about his twice-a-day masturbation habit.
[7.] More sweet talk for the wife.
[8.] Another of his mottos is: "You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose."
[9.] That was also part of his speech when he proposed to his wife.
Name: Chima Simone
Age: 32
DOB:7/28/76
Home: West Hollywood, Calif
Status: Single
Occupation: Freelance Journalist
An exotic beauty, Chima is truly as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside.[1] Educated and independent, this freelance journalist is currently single and looking for a man who is tall, considerate and has a great sense of humor.[2]
Chima is extremely close to her ailing mother and expects she’ll be taking care of her in the future.[3] The fact that her mother’s health is no longer at its best greatly concerns Chima, but she plans to happily provide the same care and love to her mother that her mother has provided to her throughout her lifetime. She is also very close to her stepfather, and fondly recalls him as the man who taught her how to ride a bike, swim and was always ready and willing to help her with her homework.[4]
Adaptation, the ability to not be intimidated and an extremely disarming smile[5] are all tools that may get Chima far in this game. In life she has proven that she is strong and has the will to win. Her plan is to create and break alliances and annihilate her competition.[6] With her keen mind and plan at hand, she hopes to walk away with the cash prize.
Chima is a military brat who has lived all over the country. [7]
[1.] If her headshot is any indication, she must swallow a lot of make-up.
[2.] If you're sweet and funny, but short, just keep moving, please.
[3.] Hear that, tall guys? She comes with an ailing mom you can help her take care of. Hurry while she's still single!
[4.] As long as she wore biker pants or a swimsuit while doing her homework.
[5.] She can grin a dueling pistol out of your hand at fifteen paces.
[6.] Make alliances - break alliances - win. It's amazing it took 11 seasons for someone to finally come up with that plan.
[7.] If the smile doesn't work, she also knows how to disarm you in close-quarter combat.
Name: Jeff Schroeder
Age: 30
DOB: 6/5/78
Home: Norridge, Ill.
Status: Single
Occupation: Advertising Saleman
Jeff. this single advertising salesman,[1] hopes one day to find his perfect mate, and is looking for someone who is fun, beautiful and looks great just hanging around the house.[2] He wouldn't mind a "showmance" with one of his fellow Houseguests if she fits his criteria.[3]
Jeff is a guy's guy[4] who loves to be outdoors and play sports. He especially likes competitive football[5], which he played in college. To date, the accomplishment he is most proud of is playing running back for Benedictine University.[6]
He describes himself as curious, adventurous, spontaneous, witty and outgoing. If he ran for office, he would like to be Mayor so he can be his own boss and, to some degree, get his own way.[7] He lives by the motto "treat others as you'd like to be treated,"[8] and hopes others in the house will live by that too.
Jeff is ecstatic to be selected for BIG BROTHER, but hopes not to do anything on television to embarrass himself or his family.[9] He has a big heart and he wants that to be the thing the audience notices most about him.
[1.] Aparrently. this sentence not proofread for correct grammar.
[2.] He has a sex swing in every room.
[3.] His criteria: no restraining order against him.
[4.] It's like a "man's man", but younger sounding.
[5.] Not to be confused with all those non-competitive types of football that only p*ssies play.
[6.] He was the 'Fightin' Monks' version of Rudy.
[7.] Vote for Jeff - He'll Do What He Damn Well Pleases
[8.] That explains his habit of groping other people's crotches without warning.
[9.] Gonna have to ease off on the groping a bit.
Name: Jordan Lloyd
Age: 22
DOB: 11/21/86
Home: Matthews, N. Carolina
Status: Single
Occupation: Waitress
This small-town girl's motto is to "live life to the fullest, without holding back,"[1] and is certain that competing on BIG BROTHER will have her doing just that. Unfortunately, her naïveté may be her own undoing. Jordan is confident that no matter what happens in the game, she will stay the same sweet person she’s always been.[2]
Easy-going and laid-back, Jordan says she’s game for anything, short of eating an insect,[3] but she's also always up for a challenge and that’s something this game will surely give her.
It will be very hard for her to be apart from her mother and brother for such a long time (she also has one sister)[4], because she is very close to them and describes her mother as an extremely strong person[5] who she considers her hero.
Jordan describes herself as an outgoing friend and party girl who likes to hang out with her female friends -- all tools she’ll use to gain the trust of her fellow Housemates and, if the situation calls for it, she'll flirt with the guys for votes[6]. But she won't have sex on television[7], or as she calls it, "bugger,"[8] because her grandpa will be watching the show.
With nothing in her hometown holding her back, she is ready to play the game and ready to be the last Houseguest standing.[9]
[1.] Except for the stuff the Bible says to hold back on. Definitely hold back on that stuff.
[2.] The same sweet person she's been for all of her 22 years. Unless you count when she was 3. She was a real bitch that year.
[3.] By admitting that one fear, she ensured at least one BB challenge will require her to eat an insect.
[4.] The sister's easy to forget, because they keep her in the basement.
[5.] Took fourth place in 1988 World's Strongest Woman competition.
[6.] Guys are a sucker for a pretty girl who flirts with all the guys to win votes in a competition. The other girls love that, too.
[7.] Guys love a tease.
[8.] "Bugger" can mean lots of things in British slang. Pretty sure "sex on tv" isn't one of those things.
[9.] She's under the impression it's impossible to bugger in a standing position.
Name: Kevin Campbell
Age: 29
DOB: 9/18/79
Home: Chula Vista, Calif.
Status: Single
Occupation: Graphic Designer
Kevin's proudest accomplishment comes from one of the most trying times in his life, growing up a Jehovah's Witness.[1] He was eventually excommunicated at age 21.Cut off from his family and friends, he didn’t let it destroy him. Instead, he found happiness and thrived. He currently works as a graphic designer.
People are sometimes thrown off by his exotic look[2] and cannot determine what nationality he is. He affectionately calls himself "blackanese" as a tribute to his African-American and Japanese heritage.[3] He describes himself as ghetto, fabulous[4] and inappropriate, and warns his fellow Houseguests that, although he doesn't have a temper, he can get bitchy.[5] He knows how to find the slightest flaw in a person and magnify it for all to see.[6]
Kevin believes the most difficult part of the game will be its duration, but he’ll overcome it by setting mini goals and pacing himself. He’s also not too proud to throw a few battles if it means winning the war. After growing up in the closet[7], he knows he has the tools to deceive anyone who gets in his way.
Aside from the money, he has a bigger prize in mind: it's his hope that somewhere the parents with whom he lost touch can smile knowing what their now grown-up son has accomplished.
[1.] Read that sentence five times. Now answer this: what was the accomplishment?
[2.] He calls it, "Blue Steel".
[3.] He tried "japegro" for a while but it kept starting fights.
[4.] Note to interviewer: he probably said "ghetto fabulous", no comma.
[5.] Can you get excommunicated for getting bitchy?
[6.] Mee-ow. He *is* a bitch.
[7.] Wait a second. This guy is gay? Who knew.
Name: Laura Crosby
Age: 21
DOB: 12/21/87
Home: Atlanta, Ga
Status: Single
Occupation: Bikini Model
This 21-year-old bikini model[1] knows how attractive she is and uses it to her every advantage. Laura is very active and enjoys working out, cheerleading, kickboxing, running and gymnastics. She feels that her determination and sassy, outgoing attitude will get her far in the game.
She finds her work as a model rewarding due to the fact that she is able to meet fascinating people, has received crazy gift offers[2] and has been able to travel to amazing places for free.[3] This work has resulted in her appearance in several tanning product advertisements[4] and gave her the opportunity to win the 2008 Planet Beach Title (a pageant) where she also competed in the World Finals.
She enjoys going out at least once a weekend. She doesn't feel that she is extremely temperamental but, once while out and about, she went toe-to-toe with a woman who gave her a nasty attitude[5]. She can’t stand when people attempt to make her feel inferior.[6]
While in the house, she plans to live in her bikini[7] (which will surely show off a lower back tattoo that she refers to as her "Tramp Stamp") and feels that her body will be her secret weapon[8]. For her, the hardest part of being confined in the house will be abstaining from sex.[9]
Unafraid to hurt feelings, lie or manipulate in order to win, she feels that her advantage is that she is a genuine BIG BROTHER fan[10] who truly knows how to play the game -- she can even name the Head of Household winners from every season.[11]
[1.] Would sound more impressive if she were a surfer/actor/bikini model.
[2.] Was once offerred a free bikini for a hand job.
[3.] Got to see Sea World and Legoland with a guy who also gave her a free bikini one time.
[4.] Which she hopes to parlay into modeling for skin cancer awareness campaigns 15-20 years from now.
[5.] They once went head to toe for a pair of free bikinis.
[6.] Fortunately, she usually can't tell when that's happening.
[7.] Jen taught me there's more to "favorite HG" than flaunting one's assets in a bikini, but until broadcast episodes ruin her, this qualifies Laura as my favorite HG.
[8.] Note to 21 year old: a weapon you flaunt is not "secret".
[9.] That's the hardest part about most situations for Laura.
[10.] Runner-up for this season's "Most Likely to be a Joker's Updates Regular".
[11.] Okay, let's hear all the HoH winners from Season 1.
Name: Lydia Tavera
Age: 24
DOB: 3/8/85
Home: Torrance, Calif.
Status: Single
Occupation: Special Effects Make-up Artist
Lydia, this single woman has been up-close-and-personal with fame as she used to be a nanny for a high profile couple, which surprises people given her tattooed body and eccentric personality[1]. Her fellow Houseguests may judge her by her looks, but she says, "don’t judge a book by its cover."
She describes herself as unique, colorful, silly and mellow, but liars and disrespectful people really get under her skin.[2] Thinking of what her mother would tell her to do really helps calm her down.[3]
Lydia has a very close relationship with both of her parents. Her father, a police officer, isn’t fond of her body art, but he loves and supports her no matter what. She refers to her mom as her best friend. She is extremely close to her siblings as well.
Her hobbies include bowling, swimming and yoga. She does not like to watch any sports whatsoever.[4]
Lydia hopes that her stay in the BIG BROTHER house will bring her many new kind-hearted friends. She loves nice people and knows that they will share a lot together, especially during this experience.[5]
[1.] Less surprising to find out she was paid in tattoos.
[2.] Not in that good, inky way, though.
[3.] Quaaludes also help.
[4.] With this season's "cliques" theme, Lydia is shaping up to be a clique of one.
[5.] Kind-hearted nice people sharing a lot together - *that* would be an unexpected BB twist!
Name: Michele Noonan
Age: 27
DOB: 6/16/82
Home: Pasadena, Calif.
Status: Married
Occupation: Neuroscientist
Hardworking, creative and intelligent, Michele is most proud of earning her Ph.D. in Neuroscience. It's a tool that could help her enter the BIG BROTHER house with an edge over the competition.[1] She's a neuroscientist who has extensively studied the mind and is sure she can spot a lie a mile away.[2]
Michele's motto in life is "don’t sweat the small stuff," which is something she needs to continually remind herself.[3] In the past, she’s had a tough time controlling her emotions and was often extremely stressed, but she was able to overcome her issues and get back on track.[4]
She described herself as a news-junkie and is not sure how she’ll cope without the Internet, but is sure her fellow Houseguests will provide hours of entertainment.[5]
Michele is a self-proclaimed nerd and former band geek who is always the smartest person in the room.[6] She used to get beat up in school for being too smart and is now ready to get revenge for all the smart kids.[7]
Michele's strategy going into the game is to try to win challenges without actually dominating the competitions. She figures that will help her stay under the radar[8], while her people skills will her keep her a favorite in the house.
Michele was born and raised in Iselin, New Jersey. She has been married for three years.
[1.] She will kick ass in any competitions that test the HGs' grasp of brain anatomy and how neurotransmitters work.
[2.] As long as the speaker consents to a brain scan which she can analyze in a lab a mile away for tell-tale signs of a lie.
[3.] Because electro-shock therapy damaged her short term memory.
[4.] Thanks to some helpful electro-shock therapy.
[5.] Forgets that if she's there, she can't constantly surf the live feeds to find the most "entertaining" one.
[6.] Has an irrational fear of crowded rooms.
[7.] That's one bad-ass school she attended, if *girls* got repeatedly beat up for being too smart. Possible sex change?
[8.] How hard could it be to win challenges and stay under the radar? It's not like it's brain surgery.
Name: Natalie Martinez
Age: 24
DOB: 3/3/85
Home: Gilbert, Ariz
Status: Single
Occupation: Tae Kwon Do Champion
Natalie wants people to know that nobody can intimidate her! This feisty Latina[1] has no problem lying, cheating and stealing to win the game. She'll do whatever it takes to keep the heat off her and turn it onto others, and believes her petite frame will throw off her opponents.[2]
Natalie is a World Champion bronze medalist in Tae Kwon Do.[3] She knows how to protect herself[4] and she says she can handle anything that comes her way. She's also a big poker player and is confident that her ability to pick up on her opponent's "tells"will serve her well in this competition.[5] One would be foolish to underestimate her and she invites them all to "bring it on."
The rock in Natalie’s life is her father. His unselfish nature is something she’ll never forget and believes that being out of contact with him for such a long time will be the most difficult aspect of this game.
Natalie is a strategist and plans to deal herself a good hand[6] in the house as she is definitely going to be a force to be reckoned with.
[1.] She sometimes calls herself "feistina" as a tribute to both her feisty heritage and her Latina heritage.
[2.] Few would expect such a petite woman to be good at lying, cheating, and stealing.
[3.] If the bronze medalist is a "champion", what's the gold medalist?
[4.] As long as her attackers get in a big circle and attack her one at a time.
[5.] Like if someone's eyebrows go up when she asks who they're voting for, they're probably holding a pair of kings.
[6.] Dealing yourself a good hand isn't really strategy, is it? That's more in the cheating category.
Name: Ronnie Talbott[1]
Age: 30
DOB: 1/15/79
Home: Belpre, Ohio
Status: Married
Occupation: Gamer[2]
Ronnie, a married man of five and a half years, will miss his wife tremendously while he is in the BIG BROTHER house because she puts up with him[3], and he worries that his Housemates may not. He describes his wife as his hero and says she is one of the kindest people he has ever met who embraces everyone in the world.[4]
He is obsessed with video games and often plays more than six hours a day, even to the point of ignoring his wife.[5] Ronnie is a collector of all things sci-fi, especially Star Wars collectibles.[6]
Ronnie is an über BIG BROTHER fan who can recite the order of every person ever evicted from the BIG BROTHER house.[7] This student is most proud of being a national champion in speech and debate[8], as he feels this activity is where he excels.
One of the most interesting things he learned from one of his previous jobs as a travel agent is that you can purchase a personal blessing from the Pope.[9]
[1.] Once took third place in a Ken Jennings look-alike contest.
[2.] More of a preoccupation, really.
[3.] Uh-oh, Casey. Looks like your tolerant wife might have a secret second family on the side.
[4.] Nevermind...different woman.
[5.] Unless she dresses up as the level-74 female druid WoW character he plays.
[6.] For their 5th anniversary, he got his wife a Princess Leia metal bikini.
[7.] This season's Most Likely to be a Joker's Updates Regular.
[8.] His secret debate weapons: his disarming smile and raw sexual energy.
[9.] It was either the Pope or a 15th level cleric in Neverwinter. The line between gaming and travel agent work sometimes blurs.
Name: Russell Kairouz
Age: 24
DOB: 9/1/84
Home: Walnut Creek, Calif.
Status: Single
Occupation: Mixed Martial Arts Fighter/Real-Estate Broker [1]
Known to his friends as "Russell the Lovemuscle,"[2] this commercial real-estate broker is certain to be a favorite in the BIG BROTHER house.[3] Loud and brash, Russell holds nothing back and is always ready for a fight.[4] In fact, his brash personality is probably his biggest asset outside the house, where he is a mixed martial arts fighter.[5] He claims nothing scares him and that includes the game of BIG BROTHER.
Russell's biggest pet peeve is people who don’t think before they act, but only because he's made mistakes while doing just that. In college, he was in a motorcycle accident while trying to impress a group of girls.[6] The crash left him temporarily paralyzed and it took six surgeries to get him back into fighting form.[7]
Now Russell is ready to tackle a new form of competition against his fellow Houseguests. It's a challenge and he'll do with a smile on his face because, according to Russell, "if you’re not smiling, you’re not living."[8]
Russell has previously lived in Southern California and Lebanon.
[1.] He left off "/actor/model" because he didn't want to sound braggy.
[2.] On his BB application, spelled it "Lovemussel".
[3.] Not saying whose favorite, just that he's sure to be at least someone's favorite. (Hint: that someone's name ryhmes with "lovemussel".)
[4.] He loves nothing more than kicking some girl's ass just because she's too smart. Back in school, it was practically a pasttime.
[5.] His own style is a blend of traditional karate with Kabuki theater.
[6.] Never try jumping a shark on a motorcycle. It's much cooler to use waterskis.
[7.] Four surgeries to repair his spine, plus a liposuction and butt implants.
[8.] In his headshot, Russell demonstrates his "mostly dead" look.
???Mystery House Guest???
[1] [2]
[1.] Will be hyped by Chenbot as most shocking, game-changing BB twist evar!
[2.] Won't be.
