After Chima's exit, the Internet thundered with the sound of BB fans yelling
(The fact that the Internet, lacking sound-producing abilities, cannot thunder, is deemed irrelevant, silly and possibly jeopardizing to my point.) The conventional wisdom is that since the show's motto is “Expect the Unexpected”, then she should have been prepared for it. And I happen to agree. I just don't think it's a very good motto. I think in order to capture the true essence of Big Brother, they need to be real about what they want out of the show.(Money) Hence, my new BB Motto:

“Expect Things That You Have Seen Before On Big Brother Or For That Matter Any Reality Show And Also Anything That Will Disrupt The Balance Of Power, Potentially Cause Tension In The House, Alternately Arouse, Amuse, and Outrage Viewers, And Thus Guarantee Us CBS Execs Big Fat Bonus Checks HAHAHAHAHAHA .” The exact number of HA's is a trade secret.

A little unwieldy, I know, so I'm willing to break it down to

“Expect Ratings Boosters.”

I mean, they can't expect the unexpected, because then it would be expected, and thus not something they should expect, correct? Really, the “twists” we get are nothing earth shattering at all. They are things which will boost ratings, bringing in more ad revenue, and thus prolong the show's run. A real unexpected event may not be that interesting. If, for example, we put a herd of goats in the back yard for the next week, it won't help us overhear conversations, it will definitely make the shoes dirtier, and Natalie will smell great by comparison, but really, what good does it do? None. TRULY unexpected events might not help at all in the ole ratings arena, so I have taken it upon myself to help out production with things that are genuinely unexpected and also ratings boosters. (I'm just a helpful kinda guy.)

1.During the next PoV(a standard game-show style Q&A), large quantities of fish guts are dropped on contestants, size and frequency as well as target determined by America's Choice voting. Even after they are out of the competition. One is showered with a substance resembling squirrel vomit the week following the competition. Will Kirby is doused with lime Jell-O while shopping for a necktie in Florida, despite the fact that he is nine years past his BB2 victory. Natalie still doesn't bathe. (Advertising is sold to umbrella companies and Johnson & Johnson.)

2.After casting votes to evict, houseguests are told that their votes are invalid. Their REAL votes were cast based on the number of times they used the phrases “I swear” or “To be honest with you” to each nominee. (New supercomputers are devised to calculate the massive numbers. Political ads dominate this segment.)

3.After achieving HoH, the happy houseguest discovers that they will not be nominating anyone. A simple counter will determine the nominees based on flatulence, and loudness IS a factor. Corks are cheating are thumbs. Several houseguests explode. (Beano and Glade are given the franchise option in this show.)

4.Have or Have Not competition: The house is awakened at dawn and blindfolded, then taken to random freeway entrances and given a shopping basket, a square of cardboard, and a Sharpie. Top four based on money mooched by noon are safe, the rest have 10 minutes to spend what they made at the nearest liquor store on beef jerky and booze. Those houseguests who discover that their earning potential was better on the freeway ramp are replaced with the homeless person whose spot they took. (This airtime is marketed to Jack Links and the makers of Olde English 800.)

5.At Final Three, the remaining houseguests are told that the winner of the next HoH gets to take their choice of HGs to the F2, but that if that person wins, then they will be dropped in boiling oil on live television. Big Brother is kidding, but the stress induced by the decision causes boils the size of a turkey on our unsuspecting hero's forehead. (I'm thinking a skin care company buys the spots for this segment.)

So you see, it isn't REALLY unexpected what we see. G(r)od(ner) is quite lenient with these pampered cast members. When you think of what she COULD do to them, I think they oughta count their blessings. And maybe their farts, I hear AG likes my ideas....