I am not a Big Brother contestant. That is something that is never going to happen. But I have a strategy. OK, so maybe it’s not my real strategy. Maybe this is just the strategy I tell production to lure them into casting me, because, yeah, we all know that going into the house with a predetermined game plan is misbegotten. You have to adapt your approach to the other personalities in the blah blah blah.

That shit is boring. Nobody wants to hear that in an interview. They want whimsy. They want character.

My character would be of the political junkie ilk. Specifically, I would be the guy who is obsessed with All the President’s Men. I would pattern my game after the tactics employed by Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein in linking the break-in at the Democratic National Committee headquarters directly to President Nixon.

The centerpiece of this ideology is a maneuver which we will call “the Woodstein.” Here’s how it works: Let’s say that you are attempting to uncover who floated your allies name as a backdoor candidate. Through leveled reflection, you have reached your conclusion. However, you need to verify this. You need a source.

Here we go: You and your closest ally approach your subject, and your ally begins questioning said subject. “Who floated the idea of backdooring me?” Before the subject can respond, you then quickly interject, “No, we know that was Stacy. How hard was she pushing that? Do you think she casted the hinky vote last week?”

That’s the Woodstein. It’s designed to overwhelm your subject and to get them to give you information without realizing it. Is it a move that translates to the Big Brother house? Would “the Woodstein” work?

Probably not. But that’s not important. What’s important is that it sounds cool in an interview, as does dropping the term “non-denial denial” and saying things like “I’m sorry, Rachel, but that's a real bullshit question. That is a question straight out of Wichita, Kansas.”

This isn’t feasible, is it? Would CBS have the rights to use the term Woodstein? Could they hashtag that? See, I’d probably just get a “Stop that.” “Justin, please stop quoting movies.” Like I said, I will never be a contestant on Big Brother.

I’ll stick to the articles, because this is the new journalism, right here. This right here:


The Curtain Jerkers



Michelle Meyer (23), AKA Superfan Supernova: Michelle has a noble profession (nutritionist) and her Big Brother fandom is admirable, but she's overconfident in her game play. Michelle, ma belle, I’m not buying what you have to sell. My Michelle.




Tiffany Rousso (32), AKA Dark Moon: Much like her sis, Vanessa, Tiffany seems super cool and wickedly intelligent. The cadence in which she talks is also identical to V’s. People will notice this. I’m afraid the cards are stacked against Tiffany, especially if her sister is a returning player/coach . . . .




Victor Arroyo (25), AKA The Narcissist: Victor is a gym manager, and, yes, of course his housemates are going to be intimidated by him. His stated motto is “Get my money, develop my body, and get women.”




Natalie Negrotti (26), AKA, Glitter Bomb: Natalie’s favorite colors are pink and glitter. What’s that, you say glitter isn’t a color? Well, you’re just wrong. Science is wrong too. 



The Midcarders



Corey Brooks (25), AKA, Shortstop: Here he is: The All American Boy. You know him. He gets cast every year. He’ll seem slightly boring at first, but there will be a redeeming sweetness to Corey.




Paulie Calafiore (27), AKA, Stromboli: Much like his brother, Cody, Paulie is a quick-witted, personable guy. Yeah, he’s got the same dreamy looks too. All this would propel him far into the game if he weren’t Cody’s brother, but he is Cody’s brother; people will see him for the threat that he secretly is.




Bronte D'Acquisto (26), AKA, The Voice: Big Brother loves the offbeat voices. I guess this is the new trend in casting. I’m not complaining, because Bronte’s voice is heavenly. It has the midrange honk of Yoga Jones, sans the southern drawl. Pitchwise, she veers at random, occasionally breaking into a chilling falsetto that will stop your heart. I wish computers talked like her. I wish she was the voice of my conscious.

“I can solve an integral likes it’s nobody’s business!” These are the words conveyed by that lovely voice. She talks of statistical analyses and behavioral science and using her ditziness as a smokescreen.

I’m smitten by Bronte if you haven’t gleaned it by now. I just want to type her name again: Bronte. Ah.



Zakiyah Everette (24), AKA Zuh-Zuh-Zuhkia: Look out, Big Brother house, Zakiyah has “flirty ability” and she is not afraid to use it. She also has a will and a determination that is inspired. She stresses that she needs the money, and watching her tap into that urgency will be thrilling to watch.


The Main Eventers



Jozea Flores (25), AKA, Make Me Up Before You Go Go: This celebrity makeup artist cites his ability of “being true to [himself]”, and “knowing [his] strategy to the max” as his prime assets. This is a problem. Yet, here he is the Final Four.




Glenn Garcia (50), AKA, Da Bronx: At the ripe age of 50, Glenn is the oldest houseguest this season. However, Glenn describes himself as a chameleon, and I see what he means. These kids are going to be totally disarmed by Glenn, and no one will want to waste an HOH on the old guy.




Bridgette Dunning (24), AKA, Yay!: Bridgette is adorable but has no head for this game. She will float to the end.





Paul Abrahamian (23), AKA Bearded Buddha: All the smart players talk about laying low in these interviews; only a select few have the constitution to see it through. Paul is the real deal. When he tells Jeff, “I gotta be smooth as ice, dude,” I can’t imagine that being too much of a issue for him. He exudes such calm and easygoingness. But don’t let Paul fool you. He is in it to win it, and win it he shall. He is my pick to win Big Brother 18.


To watch the interviews for yourself, log into the live feeds or go check out the K-FROG interviews.