The Old Switcheroo 

I feel so raw and exposed. I feel so wounded and resigned. I myself am stranded on the the Island of Misfit Toys with Frank and Bridgette. I too am done with the rest of these goons. I too want out.  

Send me home. 

Things have never looked bleaker for us at House of Mirrors. If I lose Frank this week after just losing Tiffany, I will have so little left. There is of course our delightful little Cabbage Patch Kid, but she will be all alone. The poison is overtaking the body. 

I know I’m being a little ridiculous and totally dramatic. Truthfully, I hope I’m wrong. I hope this season finds it’s footing. 

But to be safe, here is what I want from production: an intervention. I am calling for Big Brother to step in and fix this season while it is still salvagableTo put it plainly, I want them to cheat for Frank. I’m sorry, I’ll probably lose my dignified status as a Big Brother purist for saying that, but I need this so desperately. Purity be damned. 

So next time Frank is in DR, perhaps they could say, “Frank, it looks like you dropped your envelope,” as they slide in his direction a crisp new envelope containing the winning ticket.  

I will never be so proud of you for cheating.  


It Ain’t Me, Babe

Bridgette is the sweetest, most adorable person on the planet. She has great stories, keeps the house stocked with delicious baked goods, and has a basil plant named Mr. Jenkins. She is also super smart, and strong both physically and emotionally.  

You’d think that being the sweatheart that she is, she might be oversensitive about certain things. But she’s not. She is occasionally profane in the funniest way.  

“I have a secret: I hate vanilla ice cream. It—I can’t taste anything in it. People usually give me shit about it, and then I tell them to go fuck themselves and get me chocolate.”—Bridgette  

How is it then that so many of her housemates don’t like Bridgette? Am I missing something? Why do Zakiyah and Michelle excoriate Paulie for offering to wrap her ankle? Why does Zakiyah passive aggressively throw out Bridgette’s cookies and subsequently boast about it? Why do Michelle and Zakiyah malevolently mock her voice[1], laugh at her suffering, and call her fake?

When Michelle deduces from DR questions that they may have been bullying Bridgette, Michelle sobs wildly. She wasn't so much concerned with hurting Bridgette’s feelings as she was with being portrayed as a bully on national television. But look out, here come her mean girl spotting partners to avert this crisis of conscious[2]: “That person that started all that shit—she’s gone,” says Zakiyah, somehow blaming Tiffany (the girl that Z laughed at for crying) for this. 

Meanwhile, Paul assures Michelle that Bridgette is the biggest bully in the house. What? This is coming from a guy who habitually talks about about wanting to punch people in the face. “Oh man,” says Paul, “like, I swear to God if Frank goes home and then just walks right back in, I might just punch Bridgette in the face. . . . I wanna make her last week here a living hell. That’s how annoyed I am with her.” 

His cohorts laugh when Paul says things like this, but Paul isn't employing the signifiers of absurdist humor. There isn’t any clever juxtaposition and the tenor of his voice isn’t playful. He says it hatefully and couches it in a hateful context. Paul is also on the record for saying that he thinks Bridgette is “shitty inside and outside of this house,” and that Michelle is a “shitty” nutritionist. “Who comes to you [Michelle] for nutritional advice?” he ponders to Victor.

I could go on and, fuck it, I will. Who can forget the time that Paul felt so threatened and “belittled” by the girls after being barred from Girl Talk, that he goes on this hair-raising tirade: 

"I can’t do this. I cannot deal with women. I’m over it. I’m done. . . . But as I was saying, maybe we put too much responsibility in Bronte’s hands, because remember how we sat Bronte down and said, “You’re in charge of the girls“? . . . . OK, so where’s Bridgette? Unsure. And now where’s Natalie? Um, all over the place. Whose responsibility was that? Cause we clearly can’t ‘cause we’re too masculine. We’re men. We have testosterone. We don’t know how to [articulate our emotions]. So we can’t do it. So we give that responsibility to a woman and she can’t do it.”  

Incidentally, this was the same night that you’re boy seethingly referred to James as a “little Korean man” that was invading people’s brains. Pissed. 

Big Brother edited around all of this which is their prerogative. Whatever, I don’t want the show to underscore every nasty comment the houseguests say. I understand it is a stressful environment that can bring out the worst in people. I’m usually the guy who defends houseguests from public outrage. 

However, when people display such an established pattern of saying hateful, ugly things, we can’t just ignore it and show Paul being a goofball in the Diary Room. That’s deceitful, especially in the era of America’s Favorite.  

And still, for Paul, Zakiyah and Michelle, Bridgette is somehow the bully for, like, that one time she supposedly rolled her eyes at Michelle after Michelle was joking about Bronte’s aptitude for math. This is not to be confused with that time that Zakiyah gave Bridgette a dirty look and bragged about it to Michelle. That’s a different incident that definitely happened.  

So what, is it the eyebrow comment, that old thing about her saying she would shave off one of Michelle’s eyebrows? It all comes back to that, right? Too bad that that never actually happened.  

This happened:  

Paul: “Look at my eyes; I fucking hate that girl [Tiffany] so much. I—if she died right now . . .”  

Bridgette and Jozea urge him to stop that line of thought. Then Bridgette adds, “I would resuscitate her . . .” 

Paul: “See, I knew that; that’s why I said that.”  

Bridgette: . . . and then would shave her eyebrow off! Just kidding!”  

Paul: “I’d shave both . . .” 

Bridgette: “No!” 

Bridgette was on the block and was trying to fit in with Paul and Jozea, so she made a silly insignificant joke that she immediately backed off from. They weren’t even talking about Michelle.  

I get that these girls (and Paul) think they are reacting to Bridgette, that they think Bridgette started this war. But even if Bridge were the instigator (which she most assuredly is not), these girls have gone way overboard. There behavior has been spiteful and hideous.  

Bridgette may be a little naive about this game, but Bridgette is not the problem. Bridgette is not fake. She may seem too good to be true, but she is true. And she is lovely.   


[1] Zakiyah: “'I just want everybody to be happy. I like helping people. Bitch, shut up.” 

[2] Michelle and Z periodically swap roles: “Maybe I’m being a mean person. Am I being mean?” asks Zakiyah after a Bridgette bashfest. “No, you’re not!” replies Michelle.